


Never Let Me Go

by starsdontdisappear



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: M/M, Oblivious Couple, Toruka - Freeform, break up story, letting go, oneokrock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2019-10-28 19:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17793725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsdontdisappear/pseuds/starsdontdisappear
Summary: It wasn’t easy, but Taka had to let go.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m pretty sure you’ve all heard Letting Go. So here’s something that’s been inspired by that song. I’m heartbroken by its beauty.
> 
> I literally am going far and beyond for this fanfic as I've prepared a playlist.  
> Click here: [NEVER LET ME GO PLAYLIST](https://playmoss.com/en/starsdontdisappear/playlist/never-let-me-go)  
> When you read this, maybe listen to the songs? It's diverse, one of which is in Korean but please PLEASE PLEASE READ ITS ENGLISH TRANSLATION BECAUSE IT REALLY DOES FIT TO THIS STORY. Thank you! xx

Taka fumbled through his work table for papers and books he can dispose and ones that he can keep. He was flying to LA again in a few days to work on their new album, and he wishes to clean up his place before leaving it for a good few months. There’s quite a lot there. English books that were almost untouched since he doesn’t really learn the language that much in that way anyway. A lot of papers with lyrics that didn’t see the light of day. Some of them, he wrote with Toru. 

Toru. How is he? He wondered. 

It’s been a month or so since they saw each other on the set of their shoot for Change MV. A month since their last conversation. 

He was sporting his long hair back then. Planning to bring back that bouncy, wavy hair he had in 2013. The lead guitarist loved that look on him, and the fans did, too. Honestly, Toru wanted him to keep that look. It fit him so well. But the vocalist felt like it was Toru’s own way of dictating him on what he needed and not needed to do. 

There were so much stuff on their plate. Making the new album. Tours being planned here and there. Going on a summer festival. Chapter two. Taka felt so suffocated, and Toru wanted to be there for him. 

“I’ll help you out. It shouldn’t be you who’s doing all the job,” Toru told him while he was sulking on his chair in the dressing room. The shoot had just ended and they were planning to head home. 

“I’m tired,” the vocalist sighed.

“Babe…”it was a very soft whisper from the guitarist. “Don’t be stressed out. The new album will be awesome. You will do great. We will.” 

“You don’t know that yet,” Taka replied. 

Toru started massaging his shoulders to relax him. It was the little things that Toru did for him that made him fall even more deeper in love for the guitarist. But there’s still too much in their plate, and having a secret affair with the leader was also taking a toll on him. 

“You’re really growing your hair back. I love it,” the guitarist told him. 

He sighed and looked at both their reflection on the huge mirror in front of them. 

“Toru, I think I need a break,” he said, looking down on his palms which were starting to sweat from being anxious about what he was going to do. 

“We will have a break now. Let’s go,” Toru invited him to stand up.

“No. I need a break,” he paused, urging himself not to whimper. “From us. I need a break from you.”

It was the hardest thing he needed to do. He loved Toru so much; loves him still until now. Doesn’t think he ever will stop loving him. He saved him from his downfall after all. Always has called himself trash before ONE OK ROCK. But Toru brought out the light in him, and he has been glowing since then. 

But it has to end. It’s not gonna foster anyway, he believed. 

He held the paper on his chest. Toru’s messy handwriting on the paper with coffee stains— a product of their late night songwriting session and Taka accidentally kicking the cup of coffee on the papers because Toru was hovering above him on the couch, forcing him to give a peck on his lips. 

His chest started to ache so much at the stinging pain in his heart. He was sure the walls of his chest were gonna burst in pieces at the image of Toru’s back turned against him when he broke the heart of his beloved lead guitarist. It was like ice pressed deeply on his bare chest— hot and cold at the same time. Numbing and aching and suffocating. He didn’t know what to do now that he had let go of a part of him that gave him so much happiness. 

He’s leaving Tokyo for a while. Move to LA to write songs. Isolate himself in his house and think. Think hard about his life decisions.

—-

The flight to LA was torture for Taka. Whenever he closed his eyes to try to sleep, he could see Toru’s face scared shit of flying. He remembered how most of the time he would feel worried about his ex-boyfriend feeling sick and nauseous during their long plane rides to different countries for tours, but he couldn’t really do much about it. And now he was flying alone, he still thought of him.

—-

Then the gossip broke out.

Taka was in the middle of writing a song for their new album when he heard his phone ring constantly. When he opened the notifications, he was dumbfounded. 

He never thought he’d see that smile again. He never thought he’d see the day Toru would smile like that again, but not for him. 

There were plenty of photos of Toru with the girl all over instagram and twitter. Taka wished he could delete all of those. Wished they weren’t real. Wished he wasn’t so stupid enough to stare at them some more. 

It was his choice, he knew it. If anything, he deserved this heart wrenching state he was in. He wanted to call him to hear his voice. He’s not gonna talk; he just wanted to hear his voice now. It’s not like he won’t be hearing his voice in the coming days. They’re bandmates after all. But he’s heart was breaking now, and his voice was the only remedy he could think of. 

He stared some more at Toru’s photos. A gleam can be seen on the photo— the earrings he was wearing. Taka had the same pair. Other couples had couple rings, they didn’t want to conform and be exposed so they wore a couple earrings. And Toru was still wearing it, and so Taka couldn’t take it anymore and sobbed until he couldn’t cry some more. 

“I will never take these off, Taka,” he remembered Toru telling him that. “The only time I will take these off is when I fall out of love for you. Which is never.” 

Nobody knows the two of them more than they know each other. 

The media was probably feasting on this scoop now. Amidst all that, although his heart was shattered, he had little faith in him and Toru. 

He dialed Toru’s number, knowing that with the time difference, he couldn’t possibly answer his call. The beating of his heart was racing with each other with every ring he’d hear. Then it ended. 

“Hello? Taka?”


	2. Chapter 2

Toru was awakened by the loud knocks on his front door. He looked up at his digital clock and found out that it’s only 2 in the morning and it was too early for visitors. Although annoyed by who it could be behind the front door, he still rushed to check who it was and if it was an emergency. He didn’t bother fixing his bedroom hair; he just immediately went and opened the door. 

“Toru, I can’t sleep.”

He didn’t know what reaction to give to the small man standing right in front of his door. The small man probably had to call a taxi just to get to Toru’s house.

Toru stopped himself from laughing at the man across him.

“Let me in please.”

The small man looked like he was going to cry. He, too, still had his bedroom hair. The longer Toru looked at the small man, the more he realized he was wearing his black sweater. 

“You stole my clothes?” Toru asked him. 

“What?!” the small man couldn’t understand why Toru was still not letting him in. 

He looked so small, Toru thought. He brushed the small man’s bed hair with his fingers and felt his own cheeks warm up at that contact. Then he took his hand and let him inside his embrace. 

Toru sniffed the back of the small man’s ear as he hugged him. 

“Taka…” he whispered. 

Taka placed his arm around Toru’s waist and gripped his shirt a little too strong. He pressed his head deeper on Toru’s chest. 

They had a fight earlier that day. Toru was lounging freely on Taka’s couch in his house when he accidentally saw photos on the internet of him and his friend, Rola, being linked to each other. It said both of them were in a relationship. Jealousy got the best of Toru and then they ended up fighting, which resulted to Toru going back to his house and completely ruining their plan to chill at Taka’s home with a few drinks and movies to watch. 

But it was 2 in the morning now and Taka was in his embrace. 

“I’m sorry I got mad at you,” Toru spoke and he felt Taka nod. 

Taka looked up at him with wet eyes and bed hair. 

“It’s sleep paralysis again, Toru-san,” he looked so scared. 

The lead guitarist took him to the kitchen for some hot tea to relax him. 

Even before they got together, every time Taka would experience sleep paralysis especially on tours, the only way he could sleep again was when he’s sure Toru was nearby. It even pained Toru when, one time, he saw with his own two eyes how bad Taka’s nightmares were. He saw how Taka would sweat and shake like he was fighting to wake up but he couldn’t. That was when Toru realized how much care and affection he had for the vocalist. He knew he needed to be there for him all of the time, no matter what. 

“Aaahh Taka, you look so adorable in my clothes,” the lead guitarist grinned at him as he felt his heart flutter at the sight of his boyfriend wearing his sweater. 

“I’m still mad at you, but I couldn’t sleep. You’re such a dumbass for leaving me alone at home!” Taka exclaimed and glared at him. 

“I’m sorry I was so jealous because the two of you looked so good together and the whole world probably agrees,” he replied and sulked on his seat. 

“My heart ached so much,” Taka looked at Toru with his puppy eyes. “I dreamt that you left me and I saw creatures beside my bed and started breathing uncontrollably.” 

Toru saw that his boyfriend’s breathing became unsteady so he quickly got up from his seat and went to Taka. 

He placed his hand on Taka’s shoulders and said, “it was only a bad dream ok? I will always be here.” 

“I know. But you left me this afternoon. I seriously want to punch your annoying face,” Taka grumpily answered. 

Toru cupped Taka’s face within his hands. The vocalist wanted the warmth of his lover’s hand to linger a bit more. Just a little bit. His breathing became stable. 

“I love you,” Toru told him straight through his eyes. 

After a moment, Taka felt his warm lips on him in an assuring kiss. He kissed Toru back, with his lips shaking slightly like the first time they kissed. It was gentle and soft and careful. Then Taka pulled away to say it back. 

“I love you, too.”

Then Taka stared to feel his chest slowly sinking like it was being pulled down off of him from somewhere unknown. His breath became unsteady once again and his grip on Toru’s wrist tightened as time passed by. The walls all over the house started spinning around him and he could see Toru slowly drifting apart. He lost his voice then and couldn’t cry or scream. He was starting to choke and maybe it was the tea? There was no way Toru put something in their. He’d never harm him in any way possible. 

He reached out for Toru, but he was fading out into the background. The house began feeling a bit too cramped for his liking. Then he heard a loud, disturbing siren from somewhere. He felt his body shaking, and somewhere from the outside he heard someone tell him to wake up. But why would he wake up? Was he asleep? 

He was completely losing it and started panicking. He pinched himself and felt nothing but confusion and nausea. The screaming and siren got louder and he closed his eyes tighter to avoid the noise. 

“Toru-san!!” He kept calling his name again and again. 

Then he was awaken. 

By no one. 

No one else was there. Right. He wasn’t in Tokyo anymore. He was in LA. In isolation. He was alone. 

Taka slowly stood up and walked to the kitchen. His eyes were still wet from crying. How could he hurt this way when it was what he wanted? He should at least feel happy, right? Grateful, even. 

This must have been caused by the phone call he risked making a few hours ago. Hearing his ex’s voice from the other line was like torture. As if he was a child being offered candies, but his throat was sore. He couldn’t have it. He remembered exactly how Toru spoke his name again after days and weeks. He never felt even more broken his entire life than that moment Toru spoke his name like it meant nothing at all. Like he didn’t use to speak it in a singsong manner when he would try to convince him to make something for dinner or to watch horror movies with him. Like he didn’t scream it whenever they made love in his bedroom. Like he didn’t whisper it so lovingly right in his ear whenever he’d apologize for anything. 

Now it was only a name spoken by the band leader to his vocalist and nothing more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment! I welcome suggestions, too.

The entrance door of Toru’s house seemed to drift further from him as his wobbly legs walked towards his home. He had too much to drink that evening. A little too much for his head to take and his body to control. But what can he do? He thought he had everything. He thought he had his life planned. 

But he couldn’t keep everything in the end. Toru wasn’t willing to sacrifice anything. He was gonna take it all, keep the good things that’s been happening to him, let it thrive and last until he’d die a happy death. But that was too much to dream about. In the end, no matter how strong he wanted to keep it, he was the one who was left behind. 

Taka left him. 

It was all too real again now that it came back to his poor, poor mind. Right. Taka had just left him. 

As soon as he came inside his house, he closed the door quickly and leaned back on the wall. All his life he thought it couldn’t be possible in real life. Leaning back on the wall and falling slowly downwards as tears flow down like unstoppable waterfall because of too much despair. That only happens in the movies. But there he was, screaming his lungs out; too loud he might wake the neighbours up. There was an immense pain in his chest that he couldn’t quite grasp. He wished he could tear his heart off his body to stop the pain. Not even alcohol could help ease the nagging feeling of misery and heartbreak. Instead, it just kept reminding him of Taka dumping him on the spot and him being left dumbfounded. 

It was worst when he walked away from that dressing room after Taka told him they had to break up, and the vocalist did not even follow him afterwards. That only meant he really wanted the break up so much. But since when?

He was losing his mind thinking where he went wrong, what he did that caused Taka to do this to him. Why? Why would Taka abandon him like trash? Five years of their relationship down the drain just like that. He pulled his hair so hard trying to squeeze some sense into him. 

True he wasn’t perfect and all that. At times, he’s cold towards Taka, but it’s only because he’s an attention seeker who wanted to be pampered by his lover. Sometimes he’s impatient, but only because he missed him so bad that he loses his mind. And sometimes he’s jealous, but only because he loved Taka very much. 

The situation was driving him crazy, and he knew if he wouldn’t talk about it with someone, he’ll end up in a mental institution.

“Ryota, come over please. I need you,” he was in between tears when he spoke through his mobile phone. 

An hour later, Ryota was already panting at Toru’s doorway. When the door was opened, he finally saw how disheveled his best friend was and immediately grabbed him by his shoulders. He dragged the lead guitarist to his living room to cool down. The guitarist’s eyes were puffy and red from sobbing. 

“What happened to you?” Ryota asked as he patted his best friend’s back to comfort him. 

“It’s Taka,” the guitarist answered and then sobbed again at the mention of his ex-lover’s name. 

Ryota panicked at his answer. He thought maybe something dangerous and bad had happened to their vocalist. 

“What?! Oh my God, Toru! What happened to Mori-chan?” he panicked so much that he stood up from his seat and started walking around, not knowing what to do. 

“He broke up with me.” 

The bassist paused and stared at the lead guitarist with a blank face. 

“What are you talking about?” Ryota laughed in confusion.   
“What break up?”

There was a brief silence that surrounded the both of them, and the lead guitarist facepalmed himself. Toru wished he hadn’t drunk so much and talked so much. He forgot that nobody knows about him and Taka. 

He started laughing hysterically at his utter stupidity. Laughed and laughed and laughed until he remembered why he was sobbing, and then his laughter turned to loud whimpers. 

“You? And Mori-chan?” the bassist got back to his seat in obvious disbelief.

“Yes. For five years, Ryota. But it’s over now,” he whined. “It hurts so much and I wish I would die right now.” 

“Does anybody else know?” the bassist asked. 

The guitarist shook his head sideways. 

“He broke up with me today. I don’t know what I did wrong or what I’m lacking. I just,” he paused to breathe deeply. “I just want to stop hurting.” 

“Well, I’m not an expert on this, man. But let me just tell you that it’s not going to stop hurting now or tomorrow or the next week. It’s going to keep hurting some more,” the bassist was clearly trying his best to ease his best friend’s suffering. 

“You’re not helping me.”

“No, really. I mean, it’s going to hurt so much, almost unbearable that one day you’ll realize you’re gonna want to love yourself some more. So just let it linger til you’re ready to let it go.”

The bassist crossed his arms feeling proud of himself. 

“I can’t believe you and Mori-chan were dating. Geez, and you kept it a secret from us for five goddamn years,” Ryota spoke and leaned back. 

“Don’t tell anyone please?” The guitarist pleaded. Ryota could see the pain in his friend’s eyes. He hasn’t seen this before, and he felt absolute pity for their guitarist. Never was a time before that he saw his best friend fall apart like this. And it was all because of Taka. If only he could scream and punch the vocalist in his face, he would. But there must be a reason he did this to Toru. Otherwise, it’s just plain stupidity to put Toru in this state in the middle of their album making and tour schedules. 

That night, Ryota stayed at Toru’s house to make sure the guitarist would be alright all throughout the night. He wasn’t so sure if it was a good idea staying over. Toru wouldn’t stop crying in his sleep, and Ryota could hear it from the living room. He wanted to so bad to send Taka a message, but interfering was a bad idea. Probably would only anger the vocalist that Toru told another person about them when it was supposed to only be a secret. 

He waited til his best friend’s cry stopped, then he, too, fell asleep.

—————

Taka got a message from Jamil that Toru was coming over that day to his house at LA to record some demos and check out some songs they’ve written. The night before, he couldn’t put himself to sleep thinking about finally seeing his ex-lover again after weeks. 

He knew his hair was black again; he saw from the photos online. But what else could have changed with Toru? The vocalist was pondering at that thought while standing by his kitchen counter. 

What would he say tho? It’s not like he had not experienced break-ups before not to know what to do. This is different though. It would be difficult ignoring the band leader or escaping from him altogether. He felt his stomach churn at the thought of Toru and him alone in his house. 

“I’m a professional. I can handle this,” he murmured to himself. 

The hot water in his tea cup felt warmer in his hands. A few seconds later, he heard the doorbell ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Please leave a comment or any suggestions. Also, if there are any mistakes, please let me know as well so I can fix them somehow. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

The moment Toru stepped on the vocalist’s house, he already smelled the scent of lavender in the air. The smell he loved so much. And was it mint? In the living room? Or was that Taka’s shampoo that he accidentally whiffed because the short man stood a bit too close by the doorway when he opened it? Either way, there’s no denying he loved both scents; both were remembrances of home for him. He frowned at the strong smell of lavender and mint.

Judging by his looks, Toru was jet lagged and the vocalist couldn’t help but worry about how bad his flight must have been. But there was no point in asking at all. Whatever Toru’s business was outside ONE OK ROCK, he didn’t have anything to do with it anymore.

“If you want to have lunch, I have some pasta in the microwave. You can leave your stuff first,” the vocalist was busy pretending to clean the kitchen counter with his back facing the tired guitarist. 

Toru went straight to one of the doors and motioned to twist open the doorknob when Taka followed right after him. 

“In the guest room,” Taka nervously told him. 

The lead guitarist realized he was actually about to open the door to Taka’s bedroom. No one can blame him though. Getting into Taka’s bedroom had become his habit throughout the years; that’s where they slept together when they’re in LA and nobody else was sleeping over at the short man’s house anyway. He got so used to it that it practically seemed natural he would immediately go to Taka’s room after a long and tiring flight from Tokyo. Only that would make sense if they’re still together.

He lowered his hand and chuckled softly to himself, and then proceeded to the guest room.

“I’m going to sleep in first,” he informed the frontman, but without looking at him, and then shut the door. 

Taka wanted to melt on the floor after that. His heart felt like it would explode because he had no one to tell of his past relationship with Toru and their break-up, and their current predicament. 

“He was gonna open the door to my room! My room!!” he exclaimed but in a form of a whisper so the guitarist won’t hear him. 

When the night came, Taka was still feeling uneasy knowing that Toru was just in the room across from his. He was on his bed, typing random lyrics on his laptop, but his thoughts were flying here and there not knowing what to do once the lead guitarist would wake up from his slumber. 

He tiptoed his way to the guest room to silently check if the guitarist was alright. Everybody knew of Toru’s fear of flying, and how it would extend into his jet lag. There were times he wouldn’t sleep very well no matter how hard he would push himself. And if he did get himself to sleep, he’d be attacked my a massive migraine and an intense mood swing after that. 

The vocalist carefully opened the bedroom door to check on the guitarist. He saw that the guitarist was sleeping peacefully, back lying flat on the soft bed. He went closer to the guitarist to see more of his facial features. Features that he hadn’t seen in a long time, and even his paparazzi photos won’t do justice as to how better looking the guitarist have already become since they broke up and he dyed his hair jet black. 

Taka just stood by the nightstand with Toru’s face being illuminated by the yellow light from the side lampshade. He slowly reached forward to the guitarists nose, missing how ecstatic it made him feel before every time he’d boop Toru’s nose to annoy and wake him up from his sleep. Only a few more inches and he’d finally touch him on the nose. When suddenly, the guitarist’s eyes flickered and his forehead scrunched.

“Taka…” the guitarist whispered, called his name like he was in pain. 

It was spoken so softly, so unlike how Toru spoke his name that night he called him on the phone. He felt so selfish for thinking that maybe after he had hurt the guitarist, Toru couldn’t possibly fall out of love for him that easily. How full of himself was he? 

“Taka…I…” the guitarist spoke some more but still wasn’t fully awake. 

“You…what?” Taka leaned closer to the leader’s sleeping face. 

“Migraine…” the guitarist replied and slowly opened his eyes this time only to find two almond-shaped eyes staring right at his face. He felt his heartbeat fast at the sight of the vocalist so close to his own face.

To Taka’s utter surprise, he jumped and immediately sat at the foot of the bed. 

“My head hurts so much. I don’t think I can meet with the rest of the guys tonight. Can we do it tomorrow instead?” the leader said. 

“Sure, sure,” Taka awkwardly answered.

“Also, please don’t come in again. I’ll come out when I need something,” the guitarist calmly told him and then covered himself with his blanket. 

The frontman didn’t know what to respond to that. The climate had no match to the coldness that Toru was giving him. He grumpily walked out of the guest room and intentionally banged the door. 

“What an asshole. This is my house!!” he wanted to scream to the guitarist, but he’s a coward motherfucker who clearly couldn’t say that to the man’s face. So instead, he just proceeded to his living room to sulk. 

He flipped through the pages of a magazine to kill some time before Jamil and some of their friends would arrive. They were to welcome Toru’s arrival, but it might be a bad idea now that Toru was suffering from migraine and is giving him the cold shoulders. 

“Did he just come here to ignore me? In my own house??” he was starting to talk to himself, flipping through the pages of the magazine a little to strong then. 

He placed the magazine down on the coffee table and began scanning his phone. As if he wasn’t having the confusion of his lifetime, he went to his gallery to look at the photos of Toru and that girl again. He wasn’t able to help himself back then. All those photos he saw, he saved them in his phone. At times he’d catch himself staring at Toru on those photos and question the way he smiled, why he dyed his hair black, and why he still had the earrings on. 

Why the hell did it matter anyway? He’d scratch the back of his head because of how unnecessary those notions were. Of course whatever the answers to those questions were, none of them was his business. He kept forgetting he was the one who broke up with Toru. 

“You look so happy, huh?” he said, zooming in on Toru’s face on the photo, voice sounding a bit more bitter. 

His paranoia started creeping in his system when it came to him that the guitarist was already dating someone new now. Paranoid about how important could he have been to the guitarist or was he at all important? Only several months have passed and Toru was already dating another person while he’s isolating himself because of how miserable he was with everything. 

“How could you be that happy?” he addressed the question once again to the zoomed in photo of Toru on his phone. 

Later on he called Jamil to cancel tonight’s plan to gather in his house, to which Jamil agreed to because none of them wanted to be the subject of Toru’s bad temper due to being jet lagged. He apologized for the short notice and immediately informed the others as well. When he finally settled everything, he went back to his room but not without checking on the other person sleeping in his guest room first. 

“Toru?” he opened the bedroom door and was surprised to see a shirtless Toru who was also about to open the door. 

Taka immediately turned his back and said, “oh my God I’m so sorry,” and hurried to his own room. 

The guitarist only stared at the now closed door of Taka’s bedroom with his ever bored and dead eyes. After which, he took a shirt from his suitcase and dressed up. 

The grumbling of his stomach was becoming unbearable, and he needed to fill his stomach with anything before he could take his medicine. He began scrambling through Taka’s cabinet for instant ramen, strongly disagreeing to eating anything the vocalist would cook. Even he couldn’t believe he was standing at the kitchen counter in the house of the man that left him broken and almost wanting to die. He let out a deep breath to calm himself from his dark thoughts. Just a petty heartbreak couldn’t trample in any way. He wouldn’t allow that; wouldn’t allow a single man to make him feel like shit. Not this long, never. 

When he finally found a pack of ramen from the cabinet, he proceeded to preparing his own food and he was going to do it successfully. After all, you only need water and heat for instant noodles. What else could go wrong? 

“Toru! What are you doing?!” 

The lead guitarist jumped from where he was standing by the electric stove and accidentally touched the hot surface with his bare fingers. 

“Fuck!” he whispered, blowing air on his burned fingers. 

Taka immediately run to the guitarist and grabbed his hand that accidentally touched the hot surface of the electric stove a while ago. 

“Toru-san, you know you and the kitchen don’t match,” the vocalist told the guitarist while blowing thin air on the injured fingers. 

The lead guitarist’s heartbeat was loud in his chest seeing how close Taka was and how soft his hand felt holding his. He quickly pulled away. 

“I was doing fine before you came and surprised me,” he explained while looking blankly at the man before him. 

“I told you there’s some pasta in the microwave if you’re hungry. If you don’t like it, I can make something else,” the short man responded and avoided sounding as if he was offended by the tall man. 

“No. I’ll make my own food. You don’t have to do anything for me,” was Toru’s plain response. 

“But you’re my guest. Come on,” he tried softly pushing Toru to the side to volunteer cooking the instant noodles.

But the guitarist didn’t budge. 

“Stop. I said I’ll make my own food.” 

_You’re an asshole, Toru._ He wanted to say that out loud, but he lost his ability to speak and walked away instead. 

Before completely leaving the kitchen, he spoke, “don’t even try to burn the kitchen down.” 

The guitarist ignored him completely, still massaging his painful hands. He went on with making his own meal, which he did successfully, and took his medicine. 

It was half an hour past midnight, and the vocalist was already asleep in his bedroom. From the room across, a guitarist was heavy with sweat in his sleep. Images of them in that dressing room when Taka told him he needed a break from him kept replaying in his dream. And that one night he went to Taka’s house in Tokyo to beg for some answers and explanation. 

“Taka, what did I do wrong?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if this is too dragging or what. Let me know what you think. Thank you! :)

Loud music blasted all over Taka’s house in LA as his and Toru’s friends came by to welcome the guitarist. It’s been a long time since the last time they all got together for a party without having to think of work and related stuff yet. So, everybody managed to give time to each other, and even when it was moved to a day later because of Toru’s jet lag, none of them minded anyway. 

Some of their friends were at the back of the house doing barbecue, while Taka and Tyler were in the living room. 

“Toru seems a little odd today,” the Issues vocalist said. 

Taka looked over from his phone, a little frown can be seen on his forehead. 

“Probably just jet lag still?” the short man suggested. 

“I think it’s not that, my friend,” Tyler lowered the volume of his voice, nervous that the lead guitarist might suddenly appear. 

Taka nervously laughed at that not knowing where the topic was heading, or if Tyler was aware of something he shouldn’t be. He looked inquisitively at his friend encouraging him to continue talking. 

“I’m sure you’ve seen the photos circling the internet.”

_Oh, that._

Taka scrunched his nose.

“Read somewhere that the girl’s father didn’t approve of him coz of his ‘gangster vibe’ so they broke up. Maybe he’s broken-hearted now,” Tyler responded and looked at the direction of the kitchen where the guitarist stood getting a glass of water.

“Those are just rumors. He never mentioned any of that to me,” Taka replied to the other vocalist. 

Of course the lead guitarist had not told any of that to him yet. They barely even had a decent conversation since forever. He knew very well that if he’d push Toru into telling him about his life after he broke him, the lead guitarist may not talk to him at all anymore. He’s just going to wait til the guitarist himself would open up voluntarily and without him forcing anyone. After all, it’s only been a day since the guitarist arrived. Although he was given the coldest of cold shoulders by his band leader, at least they haven’t fought yet for whatever reason. And that’s enough for Taka.

Honestly, he himself couldn’t stop thinking about those photos of Toru and that girl since they came out. The days when Toru smiled at him that way happened such a long time ago that it’s almost blurry in his vision, but at least he could see that smile again, even when it wasn’t for him anymore. 

Tyler snapped a finger in order to call his friend’s attention, who might have been staring at Toru’s back for quite some time.

“I said, ask him what’s going on with him. I’m just worried. I would ask him, but the two of you are closer so that’d be better.”

Taka gulped audibly. How can he possibly do that? What if Toru would get mad at him for meddling with his private life? What if he asks questions and finds out how deep Toru’s feelings were for the girl? 

Suddenly he felt his eyes sting with tears, just right at the waterline.

“Holy shit my eyes hurt. I think something got into my eyes,” he said and immediately excused himself to go to the toilet inside his bedroom. 

The moment he came in and locked the door, he quickly burst into tears, which also surprised him. His hand clenched onto his chest and it was in so, so much pain that he could hardly breathe. 

He couldn’t help but curse at himself for falling into pieces once again after days and days of convincing himself that the process of moving on for him would be a piece of cake. The fact was, he miscalculated everything. He was dumb enough to set aside the obvious fact that they were in one band, and meeting almost every day was inevitable. 

“Guess someone’s back to cycle one, huh?” he told himself in the mirror while wiping his tears. He must not look like a thrashed piece of shit, not now that the party hasn’t even fully began. He needed to stay steady and stable.

While he was busy conditioning himself before going out to his friends, he heard a light knock in his washroom door and a low voice saying, “are you ok? The guys are waiting by the poolside.”

Ah, that low, baritone voice. There’s no way it could belong to somebody else but his ex-lover. 

He checked himself first and made sure he was looking fine before he went out where the guitarist was waiting for him. The moment he came out, two dead eyes greeted him. At that moment, he knew he shouldn’t be wearing his heart on his sleeves no matter how weak he felt. Kept convincing himself that it’s what he deserved anyway. 

Taka smiled at the guitarist shyly and went ahead to their friends, leaving the tall man inside his bedroom alone. 

The guitarist was about to follow the short man. But being inside Taka’s room, he couldn’t help himself but look around just for a short time. 

Strong smell of lavender and mint surrounded the room, and it almost choked him at his throat with all the memories that came with the scent around him. He walked towards the desk where papers began mounting. One of which looked familiar. It was the song they wrote together. He thought the vocalist had thrown it away after being spilled with coffee. A soft chuckle escaped his lips. 

“Why would he keep such garbage?” he asked himself. 

He started feeling furious and disappointed, and the urge to smash everything on Taka’s desk was growing bigger and bigger. He was being reminded of that day again. That day he went to Taka’s house in Tokyo; head full of questions. 

“Takahiro! Why? Just please open up,” he remembered himself saying. He was very calm even then, careful enough not to get the attention of the neighbours. But no one answered. Not on that day, and not to the many messages and voicemails he had sent. 

Sure he got a few, but only if they had something to do with work, and not with his broken heart. He loved Taka so dearly, and he knew he took care of him very well to deserve the immeasurable pain he was feeling. 

The guitarist placed the music sheet back on the desk and decided to head back to the poolside with the others.

“Toru!” Everyone greeted him the moment he stepped outside. 

He looked around and the sight of Rola and Taka sitting beside each other caught his attention. 

“Hey! Rumoured couple!” Their friends started teasing the two, to which they only laughed at.

Toru seated himself on the couch just across from Taka in order to see them in full view. 

“Stop it, man. That issue’s been long done,” Taka replied and drank his beer from the glass.

“Let’s post a photo and see how the media would react on it,” Tyler suggested in a joking manner. 

The others laughed and continued teasing the two. 

“Guys, Taka here is just like my brother. We all know that,” Rola responded sweetly. 

The chuckles continued as they merrily enjoyed the drinks and food they all prepared. 

Out of the blue, somebody spoke up. 

“Isn’t that what they all say? But it’s obviously just a lie.” 

“What do you mean by that, Toru?” Taka was annoyed by the sudden comment from the lead guitarist. 

“I meant, some people say they are this only to cover up something,” the guitarist answered back, his back leaning against the couch while holding his glass of beer between his legs. His tired eyes were glaring at Taka. 

“What? Are you saying that Rola and I are lying? Really though, she’s not going to date someone like me. She knows better,” Taka talked back and kept his composure why laughing at the awkward situation. 

“Someone like you?” the guitarist sounded so intrigued.

“Yeah, someone like me. You know me,” the vocalist said, maintaining the awkward smile on his face. 

“I don’t know if I know you,” the guitarist whispered to himself, but it was loud in Taka’s ears.

Rola and the others felt the intense tension between Taka and Toru. They weren’t sure if the two were fighting judging from how Toru looked at Taka or the way the guitarist spoke. Instead, Rola broke the tension by initiating a fun activity. 

“Really, Toru. We’re not lying about anything,” she smiled sweetly at Toru, and the guitarist just chugged his beer. 

“Hey Taka! We haven’t seen you two jam together in like, forever! I bet Toru misses jamming here, too,” Rola suggested. 

“Yeah yeah! Let’s do it, Toru!” Taka got excited and went to get his acoustic guitar from inside his bedroom. 

When he came back, his friends have already set up two chairs for them. The guitarist almost didn’t want to do it, but he also wasn’t rude to deny their friends a simple request. 

“Maybe Heartache?” Taka inquired. 

The guitarist nodded and proceeded to tune Taka’s acoustic guitar. He started strumming the intro to the song, randomly looking at their friends, glancing at the vocalist seated beside him. Slowly, he closed his eyes the moment Taka sang the first stanza of the song. Years ago, it wouldn’t have had the same effect on him performing that song as it did at the present. It was merely just a song for a movie; just a track from an album. To be clear, none of them had experienced what the song was about. But in general, it was painful. Even more so for Toru now. 

_I want a break from you._

His strumming broke off. Taka wondered what happened, if the strings got broken, or if Toru forgot the next chord. But he knew this song with all of his being that there was no way the guitarist could have forgotten any part of it. 

Toru looked at the people in front of him; they all looked like they were anticipating something from the guitarist. Obviously they were wondering why he had stopped strumming the guitar. But the lead guitarist only stared blankly at them and put his guitar down. 

“What’s wrong?” the vocalist directed the question at the guitarist who seemed to have zoned out. 

“Sorry, I can’t do this,” he declared and then left the group to come inside the house. 

The rest were left jaw dropped at the exit of the guitarist. Tyler came to the vocalist and patted him on his back.

“See? Don’t tell me that’s still jet lag. Talk to him, man,” he told the short man who was also confused as hell. 

“Don’t mean to intrude but Toru seems a little off,” Chrissy joined the conversation. 

“It’s just jet lag, Chrissy,” the vocalist wanted to dismiss the topic. 

“Chrissy, hear me. I’m sure you’ve seen Toru’s photos with that girl. Heard they broke up already. I think that’s why Toru’s acting the way he is,” Tyler responded, to which Chrissy reacted to in a surprised way. 

“Stop gossiping about that, you two! Seriously,” the short man replied, picked up his guitar, and followed after his lead guitarist. 

Outside, his friends went on with their organized house party while Taka was arguing with himself whether he should talk to Toru or just leave him alone. He placed the guitar on his couch in the living room and went to the guest room hoping to find Toru there. When he reached the room, he knocked softly in order not to disturb the guitarist or whatever. He really didn’t know what to do or what he did or what any of his friends did that made Toru walk out from them. 

He gently opened the door and found the guitarist sat at the foot of his bed, playing his own guitar. 

“What do you want?” the low baritone voice pierced through his ears. 

“Are you sick, Toru-san? You don’t look well,” the vocalist asked. He closed the door behind him and sat beside the tall guy. 

There was no response from the guitarist. 

“Uhh…I was just wondering if there’s anything you want to talk about. You can always tell me, Toru-san,” the vocalist told him. 

The guitarist scoffed. 

“I have nothing to say to you,” the guitarist finally answered back. 

Cold air dominated the guest room; Toru must have set the air conditioner too low because now the vocalist was shuddering at the chilly atmosphere that seemed to be swallowing him. He was sure the music outside was loud, but all he could hear was the deafening thump of his heart. The vocalist wanted to get up from the bed, but he also couldn’t stand up like he was glued to where he was seated. 

“Please just tell me what’s wrong!” Taka didn’t mean to raise his voice at the lead guitarist. Right after he had spoken, he immediately regretted it. 

Toru ultimately stopped playing his guitar and placed it carefully on the bed. He stood up, walked towards the direction of the door, paused and then looked back. Still, Taka was not able to move from his seat. The vocalist was stunned by the swift motion of the guitarist, but ultimately because he was abruptly being left behind by Toru like he couldn’t wait to get rid of him at once. 

He bowed his head, hands entangled with and pressing each other— a habit he had developed every time he’s trying to keep his calm. 

Out of nowhere, Toru came back to him and grabbed his left arm so quick that he almost fell. He didn’t tho. Instead, he was brought so close to the guitarist, their bodies only a few inches away from each other. The hand gripped tighter on his shoulder as Taka looked up to the two dead eyes that glared at him intensely. In his mind, he was already moving away from Toru. But in reality, he could not even move even a single muscle. For a fraction of a second, he saw something in Toru’s eyes. He couldn’t quite pin it down. Anger? Annoyance? Either of those wouldn’t be good anyway. After that, they were replaced with the lead’s tired expression. Little by little, he felt Toru’s grip on his arm loosen. But even then, the guitarist never took his eyes away from Taka’s.


	6. Chapter 6

The record label only needed Taka and Toru to compose one song together before the guitarist could fly back to Tokyo to take a brief vacation before they start rehearsing again for the summer music festivals they were listed to join. Just one song, Toru surmised— one song that they needed to finish and he could finally take back his peace of mind for a while. The faster their ideas come out and get merged, the better for him. In all honesty, he couldn’t wait til they complete the words so he would finally regain his sanity. Couldn’t wait til he’d come back to Japan away from the vocalist. Even for just a short time. 

He stood their, hand tightly gripping the short man’s arm. The vocalist’s lips were turning pale and it could be because of the air condition or the short distance between the two of them. The almond-shaped eyes were staring at him, looking right through his dead eyes. He wasn’t sure if Taka was about to tear up, or if it was him who’s going to break lose at their current position. He had not stared at those eyes that long in a while, and he wished time would stop so he could watch Taka’s pupils dilate or how long his lashes were and that it complemented his bright eyes. There’s no use denying how beautiful he thought those eyes were. 

The first time he got the chance to observe Taka’s eyes was when he cornered him in the vocalist’s living room, in his drunken state, when he confessed that he may have deep feelings towards the short man. He admitted to himself even before just how beautiful Taka’s eyes were. To put simply, they were iridescent. Mesmerising like a kaleidoscope pattern, and much more when a ray of light from the Sun would hit Taka’s face and some of it would reflect in his eyes. Toru had wished nothing but to see his own reflection in the eyes of the vocalist all the time.

He loosened his grip on Taka’s arm, feeling scared for a second that he was gonna lose control. The vocalist only stared at him in confusion, and in the guitarist’s mind he kept convincing himself that he only needed to complete just one song with Taka, and he could finally go away. 

Just one song. 

“Let’s go back,” the tall man spoke. 

“I won’t go back til you tell me what your problem is, Toru-san. They’re all wondering what’s gotten into you,” Taka replied, this time holding the guitarist by his wrist. 

“You wouldn’t take if I tell you, so let’s just go back there,” the guitarist sharply looked at the man in front of him. 

Toru realized that the singer has gotten so much younger ever since he cut his wavy hair back to a shorter one. The singer’s features still had not changed that much compared to the first time he saw him sing in a live house. The moles on his face, his long lashes, smooth skin, the way he smiles when he’s nervous or excited— all of which Toru adored so much aside from the angelic voice he possesses. The more he stared at the short singer, the slower the spinning of the Earth seemed. Outside, the movements of their friends were fast in order to follow the beat of the music. But in that guest room, time seemed to have slowed down and Taka was afraid he was having one of his nightmares again. Although no way anything with Toru in it could ever be a nightmare. Not when the guitarist was within his close proximity. 

_I missed you so much._

He wanted so much to say it. To let all his effort of building walls around him be put to waste just to cherish this very moment of having Toru so near.

“Why wouldn’t I be able to take it?” he finally asked. He felt so, so scared about what the other would answer, if he would. There was a lump on his throat, and he thought it was unfair that he felt the anguish he was feeling even when he was the one who left Toru. It shouldn’t hurt that way. It shouldn’t be crushing him that easily because it was what he wanted. 

“I just realized you haven’t really told me why. I have questions, too, Taka. Plenty of questions that were left unanswered. But I’m not forcing you to answer them. I hope you’d do the same for me,” the guitarist replied and pulled away from Taka’s tight hold of his wrist. 

The vocalist felt that that was it— it was the end. After all, if they weren’t in one band and were pretending to be ok in front of others, they would’ve cut ties a long time ago. Both of them loved the band so much that leaving it was never an option. 

“Are you mad at me?” the singer asked, looking down. 

“You’re clever, Taka. You can answer that on your own,” was Toru’s last words before he left the singer inside the guest room and headed back to their friends by the poolside. 

Taka sat back on the foot of the bed. 

It was the end, he thought. He was totally shut off and he didn’t know if there’s anything he could do to bring Toru to talk to him like he used to. 

Few drinks here and there, and Toru was certain his head was going to blow up any moment. The more he drank, the more liberty he felt, so he decided to drink some more. His throat was enduring the sharp texture of tequila and lemon, and he wasn’t sure what else it was that he’s been drinking with them. 

The guitarist sat on one edge of the pool with Rola who was as thrashed as he was already. Both their legs were shin-deep in the pool. Though physically inebriated, Toru’s brain was working pretty decently and was trying to control his actions. 

“Toru, is it true?” the blonde girl spoke. 

“What’s true?”

“You and that girl? Everybody has already seen it,” Rola answered. 

It didn’t take seconds for Toru to reply to Rola with a yes. Rola was surprised at the immediate answer from the guitarist. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand as she gasped. 

“But we only went out once. Those photos, the media took them during our first and only date,” he continued, poured another shot of tequila in his glass and placed the bottle between him and the blonde girl. 

“What happened after?” she looked at him inquisitively. 

“She didn’t like it— the attention that I brought along with me. Said she felt she’s not going to go on dating a _superstar_ ,” the tall man scoffed at that remark. 

“Must be really tough for you, right?”

“Well, I’ve had worse experiences,” the guitarist chuckled. “How about you and Taka?” 

His hand gripped the glass tighter. 

“Oh no. He’s really just a brother to me,” was his abrupt answer. 

“No chances of ever dating him? The whole world seems to like you two together.”

That left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

Rola began hysterically laughing the idea. 

“When I say he’s just like a brother to me, I meant he can be a pain in the ass most of the time! You know him! He is his own chaos,” she explained and drank her shot. 

Sure he was, the guitarist thought. It was either tranquility or chaos when it came to Taka and no in between. In hindsight, he felt quite proud of himself because amidst the chaos that was Taka, he consoled him and loved him even more on his dark days than he could ever possibly know. Taka’s heart was achingly beautiful, he knew. It was built from the scraps of his awful past and bitter life experiences. Sometimes, the dark would swallow the vocalist whole at night, and Toru was there to see him in his most vulnerable state, and he would love him even more. He wasn’t a saviour or a hero— he’s only a man who withstood it all and was willing to withstand more of it. For Taka. 

“Such a spoiled brat, right?” he jested towards the blonde beside him whose attention was already focused on her phone. 

He struggled from standing up and out of the pool. As soon as he stood on the ground, the hard drink started kicking in. Most of their friends had already gone home, and he concluded that it could already be hours past midnight. His vision was spinning as he staggered on his way to the glass door upon entering the living room. Before he came in, he bid good night to his friends who were still outside and told them he needed to rest. 

The guitarist turned the knob slowly and entered the room with his head feeling a little bit light from the drinks he had. His footsteps were careful on the floor and he even had the strength to take off his shirt before he lied down on the bed. The lampshade on the side table beside Toru emitted a mix of blue and green light on the wall, and Toru couldn’t help but follow with his eyes the little glittery flickers that came with it. He covered his body with the thick blanket which laid conveniently on the bed, pulled it more to himself. 

“Who the fuck?!” 

His attention shifted from the light flickering to the voice that came from behind him. 

“Why are you on my bed?” the short man drunkenly exclaimed. He was too surprised that he got up and hit Toru with his pillow. 

Toru also got up, the blanket that used to drape on the top half of his body now fell on his hip level, exposing his bare chest. 

“I thought this was the guest room,” the guitarist replied, eyes squinting at the vocalist. 

“You have to go to your room, Toru,” the vocalist gulped.

“But I’m too sleepy to move. Why? Can’t handle being on the same bed?” he teased the short man. “I see dark intentions in your eyes.” 

“What dark intentions?” the short man glared at the guitarist until he realized what he had meant by _dark intentions_ and quickly stepped out of his bed. 

“Piss off, Toru. I don’t have dark intentions toward anyone. Now will you please go to the guest room,” he continued. 

Taka could feel his cheeks grew warmer. Before he could scream at the guitarist again, Toru had already lied down back on the bed. 

“I’m too tired to walk a little more. Let me sleep please,” the guitarist sounded like a puppy and Taka almost exploded due to the loud pounding in his chest. 

“You drank too much,” the vocalist complained and hit Toru again with a pillow. 

“Yes I did. And you ditched us by sleeping early,” the tall man murmured in his pillow. 

Taka reckoned that this was the longest conversation they’ve had ever since the break up, and it was all thanks to all the alcohol the guitarist chugged. It occurred to him that maybe Toru was really feeling down over something and that it wasn’t only jet lag or migraine, or whatever it was that he convinced himself of believing. 

The vocalist guessed that he could take advantage of this situation and extract every possible answer from the drunk guitarist. Though he was a bit skeptic about because he knew very well that a lot has already happened in interval of him breaking up with Toru until now. 

He looked at the guitarist’s lying form. 

“Toru-san, are you asleep?” whispered. 

The guitarist slowly opened his heavy eyes and darted his gaze at the man sitting on the bed. 

“Why?” Toru examined him. 

“I just want to know if you’re ok. I mean, not like this. If you’re ok before you came here. Fuck this is difficult,” his impatience was rising. 

Toru blinked ever so slowly as if forcing himself not to sleep in between their conversation. 

“Toru,” he called his name once again, sounding more certain this time. 

“What?” Toru replied, softly massaging the bridge of his nose. He looked at the flickering lights again as though they could keep him awake a little longer. His other hand stayed flat on the soft blanket, fingers lightly tapping like he was nervous. 

“Do you love her?” was Taka’s question. 

Toru stopped his finger-tapping and beamed at the small vocalist. There were no more voices of friends chatting and laughing from the outside. Around them, the green and blue flickers swam around the walls and ceiling. But the lights weren’t the brightes; it was the smile that Toru gave Taka after that question.


	7. Chapter 7

The lights continued flashing all around Taka’s bedroom. Sometimes, it would go dark when the flickers only focused on one side of the walls or at the ceiling. Then it would hit Toru’s face and his bright smile got even brighter along with the candescent flashing of the lights. He was giving Taka that sick smile without answering his question yet. Though he felt his heart sinking and shrinking all at the same time having been asked such a question blatantly, Toru didn’t want to show the vocalist he was feeling that way. 

“Do you love her?” he repeated and sat nearer Toru’s side. 

Taka wasn’t ready for the answer, and he will never be. That, he knew for sure. 

For the past months that he had not seen Toru privately, he was sure everything with him was alright. After that incident in the dressing room after shooting a music video, he had decided it was the start of his new life. No more hang-ups and petty heartaches. 

He recalled that day to be the saddest day of his life. He was on his seat in front of the huge mirror, feeling so tired about everything in general. And Toru was standing behind him, so beautiful and illustrious. How could he break him when he’s perfect like that? His heart was clenching beneath his chest, and he almost didn’t want to do it. But why would he let Toru stay when he himself didn’t feel right and enough for him anymore? It would have been unfair— to ask so much from someone you love so dearly when you’re unsure yourself about what you’re capable of doing. It was too much. Toru was too much for him. 

Despite being intoxicated, the vocalist kept his sanity by waiting for the guitarist’s response. He knew for a fact that he wasn’t asking for a resolution or any form of reassurance from the guitarist. There was no use for it now, but he just wanted to save their friendship at least. Or was it his selfishness that’s running him again? 

“Ah! You don’t have to answer—”

He was cut off when the guitarist finally gave him an answer. 

“I only ever loved one person so much,” Toru answered. 

The guitarist slowly closed his eyes to go back to sleep, looking so content with his answer; the smile quite remained on his lips. Taka felt his whole world crash around him with the feeling of guilt and misery all at once. What had he done to Toru? Why?

“Why?” he recalled his mother repeatedly asked him as he chased for air in between sobs. 

He remembered rushing to his mother’s house after the break-up, feeling so lost and terrible. His mother didn’t know what to do with his 30-year-old son bawling in her living room like that— as if there was no tomorrow. 

“It hurts so much, ma,” he said and his mom didn’t know her son would ever reduce himself to a crying mess until that night. 

Of course she wasn’t told what it was about. Taka never told her, and she respected that. He stayed there for quite some time. Went to work like nothing happened. Met up with some staff. Sometimes, he would see Toru but only from his peripheral view, and he would smile at others because he didn’t want to somehow look like he regretted his decision. Every time he’d see a glimpse of Toru, he felt like he would just falter and cry right there. But he didn’t. He was headstrong nonetheless. 

Not now, though. Not after hearing the guitarist’s response. 

“Me, too,” he whispered so softly.

***

The papers on the table started mounting as Toru continued revising his music for the draft lyrics he and Taka had started written. It was already the third day since the both of them started on the song which was going to be the hidden track of the new album they will soon release. Three days had passed and the good thing was he became civil with the vocalist and so was the singer to him. 

In the morning, Taka would prepare their breakfast at 7. Instead of waking Toru up, he would eat first because he knew very well that the guitarist was never a morning person. So, he’d wait til the guitarist would wake up by himself and when he did, he could eat by himself while Taka would start the songwriting alone by the poolside or the balcony, whichever made him feel inspired. Once the guitarists finished his food, he would follow the vocalist to help write the lyrics and melody. 

That morning, Toru was left alone in the vocalist’s house because the latter decided it was time for him to do the groceries. He looked at the few papers scattered on the table. They have written quite a few drafts already and it was up to the producers to decide which one would make a fitting hidden track. He felt quite proud of himself and Taka that despite their current situation, they could still be productive like that.

He smiled, arranged the papers in one pile, then figured out he needed something to drink. It’s been more than an hour and the vocalist still wasn’t home.

The guitarist proceeded to the kitchen to fetch himself a drink.

“Ah there’s nothing here. I hope he doesn’t forget,” he told himself and fished out his phone from his pocket. 

He dialed the vocalist’s phone number and waited til it started ringing. The house was so huge and quiet with only him in it. After a while, he heard a ringtone somewhere inside the house. 

“Shit. He left his phone,” he murmured. 

The ringtone came from the singer’s bedroom, he concluded, as he continued calling the number and listening to it. He slowly opened the door to find out where the vocalist accidentally left his phone. It didn’t take a minute for Toru to find it just casually lying on Taka’s bed. He picked it up, and as soon as he dropped the call, he couldn’t believe what he saw. Taka’s lockscreen wallpaper. 

He sighed and the scent of lavender and mint became too strong around him. He couldn’t help but feel that familiar ache in his chest and his throat began stinging.

Toru always found it amusing how small the vocalist is and even more so when he was standing beside the guitarist. At any given chance, he’d take stolen shots of the vocalist when his back was turned against him. Taka was the type to take photos with him when he’s looking or when he’s up close. But the guitarist preferred it when he can see how adorable the singer was. So when he had that chance, he took a photo of Taka standing by the shore during their day off some time in 2015. Taka had since then used it as his lockscreen wallpaper; that no matter how many times he had changed his phone, it remained as his wallpaper. Even until the present. 

Out of curiosity, he examined if the phone was locked. To his delight, it wasn’t. He knew it was wrong, but wanted to know so much what else had remained there. 

“Ah fuck what’s this?” he almost found it difficult to speak when he discovered that Taka saved those online photos of him and that girl. He could only imagine what it could have made Taka feel. Obviously he didn’t want any assumptions to take over him, let alone be a delusional prick. But why else would the vocalist keep the photos in his phone? He tried so hard to recall that day the photos started spreading, and he remembered very well that a certain vocalist called him out of nowhere.

The front door began clicking and Toru hurriedly threw the phone back on the bed and immediately left the vocalist’s room and rushed to the living room. He was sweating when he walked up to the vocalist who was carrying two heavy grocery bags. 

_He looked so small._ He thought. 

Absentmindedly, he stared at Taka who was still standing by the door. There was an immense feeling within his chest of want— wanting to hold the vocalist, wanting to let his guard down, wanting to embrace him, wanting to look at his eyes, wanting to touch him. 

His thoughts were in rambles and he tried his best to keep his tears from falling. 

“Are you ok?” Taka asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“You…,” he stuttered. “You left your phone. I called many times.”

“Why? Is something wrong?” the vocalist suddenly felt so worried that he dropped the bags and proceeded to the guitarist to check his temperature on his forehead. 

“Nothing.” He answered and wished the warmth of Taka’s hand would remain a little bit longer. “I was just going to make sure you don’t forget anything.” He smiled nervously. 

“Geez I thought something bad had happened,” the vocalist relaxed, picked up the grocery bags, and went to the kitchen. “I’ll make lunch then we can both talk about the songs while eating.”

Toru nodded and helped the short man bring the groceries to the kitchen. He stared at Taka’s back as the vocalist started organizing the groceries one by one in the cabinets and refrigerator. It was an all too familiar scene where Toru would stay the night at Taka’s house, telling the rest of the band they had to finish a song as an excuse, and they’d only do stuff domesticated couples do like cooking and preparing meals, watching movies while cuddling on the couch, looking at funny videos online. Stuff like those he never thought he’d long for and he wished so strongly to take back time so he could return to those days and relive them. 

The question of why’s in his head started flooding again as he followed the vocalist’s movement. 

_Why me, Taka? Why did you choose to hurt me? Why did you break me like that? Why did you leave me? Why did you act like I was nothing? Why? Why do you make me feel this way again?_

“Toru?!” he didn’t realize he was in a trance til the vocalist snapped his fingers at him. “I’ve been calling your name and you weren’t listening.” 

“I’m sorry I just had a thought,” he answered and sat on one of the tall chairs by the kitchen counter. 

“Can I ask what is it?” the vocalist inquired. 

“It’s nothing. I’ll help you with cooking?” the guitarist attempted at diverting the topic. 

“Toru, you and the kitchen are never gonna happen,” the singer said, pointing a pair of chopsticks at him. 

“I’d feel useless if you won’t let me,” the guitarist replied.

“Why do you suddenly sound so sulky?” Taka squinted as if he was speculating Toru very meticulously.

“I don’t.” 

“You do. Did you do something wrong?” 

The vocalist squinted more, if that was even possible, at the man in front of him. He was scanning the guitarist’s face as if catching him in the act based on his facial reactions. 

“Stop that.” 

“Stop what?”

“Looking at me like that,” the guitarist suddenly felt uncomfortable being stared at. 

“I feel like you did something wrong, Toru. Did you accidentally throw one of our songs?” 

“No, of course not!” 

“I really feel like you did something you shouldn’t have done. But I’ll shrug it off,” Taka replied and smiled at the guitarist in an attempt to make him feel less nervous. 

The guitarist sighed and slumped his shoulders. He watched the vocalist switch from one cabinet to another as he searched for the right ingredients to use for their lunch meal. Their present situation looked normal to the leader. It was all too normal that it started to knife an excruciating pain inside him because he couldn’t comprehend how the two of them had lasted a few days alone and together in the vocalist’s house as though both their near pasts weren’t bitter and harrowing. 

“By the way, Rola will be flying to Europe in two days so I’ll be out tonight to attend her send off party with friends in her house,” the vocalist said as he worked his way in the kitchen. 

“Oh. What time will you be home? We still need to finish the songs,” he uttered. 

“You’re not coming with me?” the vocalist paused from cooking. 

“Is it ok if I don’t? You can go while I make the melody arrangement here,” the guitarist suggested. 

“Hmm…ok. I’ll just tell Rola you’re busy. I won’t be too late, too,” the short man responded and went on with making their lunch. 

Toru nodded and exited from the kitchen to smoke a stick, letting the time pass. He thought of the photos in Taka’s phone again and couldn’t help himself but create theories in his head for possible reasons the vocalist would keep his and that girl’s photos in his own phone. His head started whirling as he was filled with confusion. The thing is, he was already a hundred percent sure the vocalist had long wanted to break free from him. Otherwise, he could’ve given a chance to explain or a chance to be answered. But he didn’t; not a single chance was given— not for Toru to deserve an explanation or for their relationship to thrive somehow. One way or another, he would have to ask Taka about it. 

He crushed and left his cigarette butt in the ashtray and went back inside to head to the kitchen to talk to Taka. 

“Hey, how’s the preparation?” Toru let out a nervous laughter. 

“I wish you’d pay me for all the food I make for you,” Taka replied as he grumpily placed food on each of their plates he put on the kitchen counter. 

“Why so snappy? I asked if I could help but you won’t let me anyway,” the guitarist responded. “You look like a grumpy cat preparing food like that.”

“The send-off party was moved to an earlier time and now I have to rush and maybe not help with the songs before leaving. I was planning to at least finish one of our songs before going,” the vocalist explained as he stared down at his food. 

Toru sighed as he beamed at the vocalist who looked so down. He knew that look very well. He knew Taka was feeling bad again because he had so much to do but couldn’t control time in his hands. 

“Don’t do that, Taka. You can go to the send-off while I arrange a few melodies, and when you come back, doesn’t matter what time, we can work on it together,” the guitarist assured him calmly. 

“I’m really sorry I had to leave you here,” the short man apologized. 

“It’s fine. Eat up so you can start getting ready.”

***

That night, Toru decided to spend some time at a nearby coffee shop to kill time. Taka’s house was too enormous for his liking that he decided to head out for fresh air and coffee, and since the vocalist wasn’t home to make dinner, it was the best option he could come up. 

He was sipping his caffeine doze when his phone started ringing almost endlessly from numerous messages he has been receiving. It was an odd timing considering that most of his friends back home should still be asleep, but they’re wide awake sending texts. He looked at his phone and noticed that some of them were notifications from his social media account. Upon opening, he was shocked to see more of his photos with the girl from before spreading all around the internet. The guitarist thought that if he had gotten those notifications, it wasn’t impossible that Taka could already have seen them too. His palms started to sweat at the idea of Taka looking at those photos, not that he was being delusional. He slowly felt his migraine creeping in as the images continue flashing in front of him. 

They look so cute together, he read one of the comments. 

“Hey Toru, we saw the photos.” Jamil’s text read and even had a heart emoji at the end.

With that, he was sure his friends at the send-off party had already seen the photos. Including Taka. He remembered he had told Rola that he only went out with the girl once, but now he probably looked like a big fat liar to her because obviously, the pictures were taken at two different occasions. The truth is, he really didn’t lie and that they only went out for a date once, and the photos were from the time the girl asked to meet him to tell him she didn’t want to continue whatever it was they were doing. Even had to put on a disguise just so the media wouldn’t see them walking around Tokyo together and make a fuss about it. 

This time, he felt a nagging feeling within his chest that he should pick Taka from the party as if he owed him an explanation, even when he knew himself he didn’t owe him anything. 

The next thing he knew he was in a taxi on the way to Rola’s house, his migraine creeping in but it didn’t matter to him at all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka becomes a mess in front of Toru, but unknowingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think! Is this becoming too cringey? Leave a comment. Lmaooo

Toru entered Rola’s house which was cramped with strangers he was sure he hasn’t seen before. He couldn’t quite make a face among the crowd as his migraine was slowly getting worse as time passed by and he still couldn’t find the vocalist in the middle of the sea of people. 

“Toru!” He heard the sharp voice of Rola from behind him. 

“Ah, hey. Have you seen Taka?” he asked. 

“Taka-chan? He was just here minutes ago. I thought he was heading home already. Didn’t he text you or something?” Rola replied with a slightly drunken tone. 

From the loud crowd, Tyler came out and went to Toru’s direction with a separate glass of liquor. 

“Finally! You came. We thought you drowned in papers from writing songs. Oooor, was relishing your last day as a single individual. Girlfriend, huh?” Tyler also sounded very intoxicated as he shoved the glass of liquor, and based on Toru’s smelling sense was scotch, to the guitarist. 

That confirmed that his friends in the party might have talked about the leaked photos before he came. 

“Not my girlfriend,” he nervously laughed. “Also, where’s Taka?” 

“I don’t know. He got pretty wasted though, I thought he went home,” Tyler replied. 

“He can’t possibly go home alone when he’s so drunk,” Rola added.

Toru scratched the back of his neck, realizing that the two weren’t of help to him. He grabbed the drink from Tyler and consumed the scotch in front of them out of respect. He bid goodbye to his friends and proceeded to look for the vocalist. Judging by his friends’ answers, Taka was probably still inside Rola’s house. 

He had never mastered the floor plan to Rola’s house, so he just went upstairs thinking the bedrooms were there and that, if Taka was already super wasted, he might have already dozed off in one of the rooms. 

As courtesy, he knocked on the door first before entering, scared shit about what he’s going to see if he would just barge in every room. But Taka wasn’t in any of the rooms— not in the guest rooms and even in Rola’s. The guitarist even checked the kitchen, closets, bathrooms, and every other room in the model’s house, but there was no sign of the vocalist. Just other people enjoying the party. 

He decided he would just ring Taka’s phone in the hopes that the vocalist would answer somehow, even when he was thrashed. But after several attempts, no one answered. 

“What am I even doing?” he asked himself as he sat on the wooden bench at the porch facing the backyard. He felt so stupid for being there in the first place. 

A few minutes later, he heard movements from the bushes near the porch stairs followed by the sound of wretching. It sounded like whoever was there was probably dying from drinking too much out of their tolerance. He stood up to offer some help. 

“Fuck this. I fucking hate my life,” said the man squatting near the bushes. The voice sounded too familiar and Toru’s eyes went wide when he discovered the man vomitting all over the place. 

He came to help the vocalist stand up by placing his arm around his own shoulders and led him to the wooden bench on the porch. 

“Thanks, man. I feel like I’m dying. Is this how near death feels like?” Taka kept mumbling with his eyes closed. He could hardly open them as he was very inebriated and high up in the clouds. “I really feel like my intestines are going to come out of my mouth any moment now. Jesus Christ, I don’t deserve this fucking hell.” 

His head was bowed down and Toru figured that he still had not realized it was the guitarist that had just helped him. Toru decided that he should stay quiet and listen to the vocalist whining and cursing. Maybe he was already drunk before the photos came out. Maybe he had not seen them yet at all. Maybe, Toru thought. 

“Can I tell you something? Ha! You have no choice though. I’ll keep talking even if you just pretend to listen,” Taka spoke and hysterically laughed at himself before becoming quiet. 

“Don’t drink too much, man. Ugh this is horrible and I really want to bang my head on the wall right now. Or maybe punch my gut. Whichever is more painful, I’d take that. Not this...” his voice slowly faded.  
“Not this...” he whispered as his hand clutched upon his clothed chest. 

Toru looked down on the vocalist’s face. He saw that the singer was already in tears as he rubbed his hand on his chest. 

“I think I really want to die right now,” he was sobbing as he said those words. “Or maybe head back to Tokyo and be with my mom and cry all day like I did before,” he chuckled and Toru thought maybe he had gone crazy. 

“I just want to fucking die right now. God, why does this hurt so much? I was already ok. I was fine. Then they came back and I’m a fucking mess. I can’t stand this please. I’d rather be stabbed than endure this pain. Just fucking stick a knife on my neck, please,” Taka spoke as he placed his head in his hands and started bawling. 

The guitarist just stared at the person beside him, unable to do anything but pat him on the back. 

“Look. The funniest thing is that, I broke their heart and left them. But I feel like a loser now, and they’re moving on just fine without me. I’m a huge ass mess. I kept telling myself I did the right decision, but the truth is, I regret every bit of it,” the vocalist continued. 

The music from inside Rola’s house started to die down. Still, nobody had barged in on them in that state and Toru couldn’t feel more relieved. His migraine was killing him, but the sight of Taka breaking down was something he thought he would see with his own eyes. 

“I regret everything. Whenever I see them, I wish I could take back what I said and did, and just take them back. But you see, I’m a blackhole and I don’t deserve happiness or affection or...love. And they don’t deserve a fucking mess like me. They’re so good with everything, but me? I’m nothing without my voice. In time, I’d be nothing, and they don’t deserve a nobody like me.”

“I’m so mad at myself for being mad at them for finding someone new,” the vocalist started breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself down but without stopping the tears from flowing down his cheeks. “I want to stop loving them. I want to stop hurting already. I just want to...” 

Taka sniffed and wiped his face with the sleeves of his shirt. After a few seconds, he had stopped crying and sat up straight. 

“I’m selfish, right? I left them and still keep feeling that I’m hurting more. I hate myself so, so much because I keep thinking and hoping they still love me. I don’t know what to do,” Taka continued and then leaned on the back of the bench, eyes closed. His hair was unkempt and his eyes were visibly puffy. 

In the middle of the night, the two of them sat on a wooden bench in an unlit porch. In the background, a mellow song was playing. A sign that the party was already over. Taka had already passed out, his head lying on the guitarist’s shoulder. He didn’t see it, but tears were welling up in Toru’s eyes while he attempted to reach and touch the vocalist’s cheek. 

Suddenly, Tyler came from the back door looking for him. 

“Toru? Who’s that?” he asked. 

“It’s Taka. He passed out. Is everyone already out? Don’t want them to see Taka this thrashed. We’ll take a taxi home,” Toru informed him. 

Tyler volunteered to call a cab for Taka and Toru. The guitarist gave Taka a piggyback ride on the way to the taxi. 

“Message me when you get home,” Tyler, who has finally sobered, said his goodbye before he went back to Rola’s house.

***

Toru gently laid the drunken vocalist on the couch in the living room, then he proceeded to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. His hands were still shaking aware of Taka’s state. Though he was undecided if what he felt was anger or worry towards the singer. He stared at the ceiling for a short time trying to decipher what just happened to Taka a while ago. His grip on the glass tightened as he recalled what Taka had said, and he started feeling confused and infuriated he almost threw the glass at the wall at the suffocating feeling in his chest. 

“Taka?” the guitarist called out his name, tapping his cheek so lightly, trying to wake him up. 

The singer scrunched his nose and frowned. 

“Toru? Is that you? Did you come here to finally tell me about your girlfriend?” Taka spoke, eyes still remained closed. He was smiling wryly. 

“It’s me. Do you want some water?” Toru replied. His voice was breaking, enduring the lump in his throat and the heaviness of his chest. 

“Toruuuu,” Taka called his name in a singsong manner. “Yamashita Toru. Even your name sounds so beautiful in my ears that it makes me want to cry.” 

“Come on. Drink some water.” 

“Even your voice sounds so beautiful. You’re so beautiful, but you’re so unaware of that. I wish you felt it somehow, when we were together,” the vocalist kept on talking without opening his eyes. But even then, Toru could see his tears start welling up. 

“Drink this then I’ll bring you to your bedroom,” Toru said in a rather calm tone, almost without any hint of emotions, that it made Taka open his eyes. 

His vision was still blurry and spinning around while he tried to focus on Toru’s presence. He blinked many times to make out an image, but because his eyes were puffy, all he could see were blotches of colors before he finally passed out again. 

“Toruuuu,” the vocalist sang in Toru’s ear. Toru carried him in his back while he climbed the stairs to his bedroom. 

“Toru-san,where are you taking me? I’m dizzy,” the short mumbled. 

“In your room, dumbass,” Toru replied and adjusted the drunk man on his back. 

When they reached the door, the guitar hurriedly opened the room and slowly laid the intoxicated vocalist on his bed. Even with the humidifier, the smell of vomit overpowered the lavender scent in the vocalist’s bedroom. 

“I’ll get you changed, ok?” Toru said before he grabbed a shirt from Taka’s cabinet. 

He lifted Taka’s arms and took off his shirt. After which, he used a wet face towel and wiped Taka’s upper body then slid him in his shirt. The singer naughtily smiled at Toru. 

“Thank you, Toru.”

“You’re welcome. You can go to sleep now,” the guitarist answered.  
A frown found its way on Taka’s face and his lips pouted. 

“Can you stay for a while? Just a few more minutes. I’m scared I’ll feel sick and you won’t be here,” Taka pleaded as he held onto Toru’s wrist. “Please?”

Toru agreed and when Taka moved to the other side of the bed and leaned back on the headboard of the bed, he decided the singer was asking him to position himself beside. So he did. 

“I saw your photos, by the way. I’ve seen the first ones, too,” Taka started speaking. His eyes were closed still and his voice sounded drowsy. 

“Oh. What about them?” 

“They’re nice. Kinda stings here,” Taka placed a hand on his chest and smiled. “But still nice. You had the brightest smile.” 

“Is that all?” Toru asked. Gradually, his head started aching again. 

Taka nodded amd opened his eyes. He looked at the guitarist and he was massaging his forehead to his nose bridge. 

“Migraine?” Taka said in a very worried tone. He shook his head to wake his senses then he went nearer the guitarist. 

Toru nodded and frowned when he couldn’t take the pain in his head anymore. He had been enduring the pain for hours, taking care of Taka more than himself. Taka slowly reached forward to offer Toru a massage on his head. He used his thumb to rub Toru’s temples in circles. 

“I told you to always take painkillers whenever this happens,” the singer cooed at the man in front of him. 

Toru never took his eyes away from the vocalist. 

“How could I sleep when I know your head is aching?” the vocalist added. 

“You’re drunk and can pass out anytime now,” Toru jested and snickered at the vocalist. 

The singer’s massage started to become unruly as he started feeling dizzy from alcohol again. So, Toru held both his hands and placed them on the bed. He let out a voiceless laugh at the singer whose eyes were half open.  
“Toru?” the singer spoke. 

“Yea?” 

“Please don’t leave me.” 

Toru stared at the drunken vocalist. Taka’s eyes started to well up with tears again and his hands were clasping the bedsheet underneath them. Before he knew it, Toru was already cupping Taka’s face in his hands, his lips an inch away from Taka’s.

“I might kiss you,” he said. 

“My mouth may taste like shit?” Taka replied. 

Slowly, Toru reached for the vocalist’s lips. He hadn’t kissed those lips in a long time, but even then, it still felt familiar and right against his. 

Toru angled his face so he can kiss Taka better; his right hand now holding Taka’s hand upon the sheet, while his left held onto Taka’s cheek. The taste of hard liquor was strong in Taka’s mouth as Toru’s tongue made its way to the singer’s slighty parted lips. And he missed it so much that he felt as if his heart would explode in pure ecstasy just by the rough contact of their tongues gliding in their mouths. The sensation of Taka’s lips still hadn’t changed. It was still soft and plump that Toru couldn’t resist but bite the vocalist’s lower lip before sucking it again. A soft moan escaped Taka’s mouth and he instantly raised both his hands and held Toru’s nape, pulling him closer as though it would deepen there already deep kiss a little more. 

“I...” Toru tried to speak when they’re lips parted. “I’m still...”

Taka had his head lie on Toru’s shoulder face first, and his hold on the guitarist’s nape was starting to loosen up. 

“Taka, I want you to know that I’m still-,” 

He was cut off when he heard that the vocalist was already snoring. He slowly positioned the vocalist on his bed and placed a blanket over his body. 

“Good night,” Toru said before he stood up, turned off the light, and left Taka to finally sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka gets the worst hangover of his life and unknowingly shatters a heart of a certain guitarist.

Toru was woken up by the loud ringing of the doorbell downstairs. With eyes closed, he reached for his phone on the nightstand beside his bed to check the time. He squinted as he looked at the screen and when his phone wouldn’t turn on, he grimaced realizing it has been dead before he slept. 

“Wait!” He screamed at the possible guests as if they would hear him. 

The ringing continued, and he almost tripped while he hurriedly slipped through his sweatpants and run to the front door. 

“Toru!!” the bassist greeted him with a huge grin on his face. Behind was the drummer who also had the same smile. “Good morning. Or should I say, good noon?” 

The guitarist rubbed his eyes trying to make out the faces of his bandmates who were actually in front of him. His hair was still unkempt and even his clothes were wrinkled. He stared at the two in disbelief. 

“You didn’t tell me you’re coming,” he said as he led Ryota and Tomoya inside Taka’s house. 

The two observed that nothing much had changed in the vocalist’s house since the last time they stayed over. On the table, in the living room, a half full glass of water was left abandoned, which was very unlikely of Taka. The rhythm duo knows the vocalist well enough to come to a conclusion that something might have happened between him and the guitarist. Hence, the abandoned glass of water; Taka would never leave a single unwashed glass anywhere. He’s a clean freak. 

Ryota looked over at Toru with concern. 

“We tried calling you before our flight, but it seemed like your phone was turned off?” Tomoya replied. 

The drummer went straight to the kitchen and checked inside the vocalist’s refrigerator for some food. Ryota tapped the guitarist’s shoulder and whispered in his ears so the drummer couldn’t hear what he was about to say. 

“How are you and Taka-chan?” he asked. 

Toru’s eyes widened when it came to his senses that Taka was batshit drunk last night, and that if he had already woken up, could the vocalist have already woken up too? 

“Ryota, I may have done something I shouldn’t have done last night. I’ll tell you later though. Just have to check on Taka. Wait here,” Toru replied and then sprinted as fast as he could to the vocalist’s bedroom. 

Before he attempted to open the door, Toru knocked twice first. He wasn’t sure if Taka was awake, but looking back to last night, the vocalist wouldn’t be able to get up and take it himself alone. So whether or not the guitarist would be under fire for what had happened between them, that was not the time for it. He decided to enter the room, but was surprised to find it empty. The bed was unmade, though, which was very unlike Taka. He never leaves the house without fixing everything first. 

“Huh. Where is he?” he asked himself. 

Gradually, his mind started to create random ideas that made him anxious. He thought what if Taka actually remembered their kiss and was regretting it and felt disgusted for doing it with his ex that he had decided to runaway? What if Taka realized something after and kiss? That he wasn’t really in love with him anymore? What if Taka wasn’t really that drunk last night and was just playing around with his feelings? He started to hyperventilate at how preposterous his thoughts have slowly become. In order to catch his breath, he sat at the end of Taka’s bed and all of a sudden, images of him diving onto the vocalist’s lips began flashing in front of him. 

“You’re such an idiot aaaaggghhh!!” he whispered to himself, pulling his hair out of annoyance. 

Out of nowhere, he heard the sound of retching which seemed like someone was spewing out his guts. It came from the bathroom, he concluded. 

The door was locked when he tried to open it. He was sure it was the vocalist, and he now felt guilty he wasn’t at the party to look after his friend. But it would have been all the same even had he been there because Taka drank too much because of him and the pictures after all. That was how it appeared to him. He decided to wait by the door til the singer’s retching would come to a stop. Yet, his chest felt like imploding whenever the vocalist would cough out loud as though he was forcing himself to vomit. Toru could hear Taka sniffing, and every time he did, Toru wondered if it was because he’s hungover or was he crying over something? When Toru couldn’t endure the situation anymore, he summarised that calling the singer’s attention was the way to go. 

“Taka? Can you open the door?” he asked as he twisted the doorknob multiple times. 

“Toru, I think I’m going to die,” the vocalist cried, and it was reminiscent of the night before. Toru’s heart twitched. 

He heard the flush go off, and then Taka came out of the bathroom looking so disarrayed. 

“You’re not going to die. Come here,” the guitarist said, taking the hand of the singer as he lead him to the bed.

“How did I get home? Fucking hell. I don’t even remember drinking so much,” the vocalist spoke as he pulled his hair as if it would take away the wrecking pain in his head. 

Toru stared at the singer beside him. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The vocalist didn’t remember anything— not their conversation, not when he bawled at him unknowingly, and not when Toru kissed him. And suddenly, he felt his sadness and guilt slowly becoming invalid.

_He doesn’t remember._

“I wish I didn’t do anything stupid last night. Did I though?” the vocalist eyed him with worry. His shirt was soaked and even when it’s already morning, he still smelled of hard liquor and puke. 

Toru nervously smiled at the singer when he didn’t take his eyes off him like he was grilling him for answers and must not lie. 

“Don’t answer that,” Taka said and proceeded to go back to his bed and sleep. 

“You can’t sleep again. Ryota and Tomoya are here,” Toru informed him while he made his way out. 

Taka sat up without second thoughts and immediately, his head felt like it was going to shatter. 

Tomoya had already prepared the vocalist a hangover soup, which he impressively placed in one of Taka’s fancy bowls, and had it ready on the dining table. The singer squinted suspiciously at his friends, and he started suspecting whether or not he was still drunk and these were all his hallucinations. 

“Mori-chan, we can hear you retching from your room. God, what happened to you?” Ryota went to check his forehead like he was a sick child. 

The drummer invited him to sit down. 

“But Toru here seems to be fine. Were you together last night?” Tomoya asked as he fed himself with Taka’s reheated leftover food. 

“No. He stayed here all day, while I was drowning in alcohol at Rola’s send-off party,” Taka directly answered and helped himself with the soup. “Aahh, Tomoya thank you for this. If I was left here with Toru with this massive hangover, I would’ve been dead already.” 

Toru nudged Ryota and signalled him to have a smoke outside. They headed out while the other two were finishing their meal. 

“How’s the songwriting?” the bassist asked. He had long quit smoking ever since his daughter was born, so he just watched Toru as he put a stick of cigarette in between his lips. 

“We’ve done quite a lot, but the producers have yet to examine them,” he answered and then puffed a smoke. 

“Judging by how angry you were at him, I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be able to stay here for days,” Ryota replied. 

“What do you mean?”

“That you’re intentionally prolonging this so you can be with him longer,” the bassist chuckled but earned a death glare from his friend. 

“No way.”

“Liar.”

“Am not. I can’t wait to go back to Japan,” the guitarist said, his cigarette already halfway from being consumed. He peaked at the glass door to look at the slouching form of the vocalist eating his food. 

“You’re a bad liar. Just admit it and get over it. Remember he hurt you.”

“Ryota,” his tone started sounding serious. “Last night he got so drunk. I picked him up from Rola’s, then when we got home, he was a wreck.”

“Yea, and so?”

“I…I kissed him,” Toru declared and hurriedly placed a finger upon Ryota’s mouth when the bassist was about to scream in surprise. 

“You what?!”

“I kissed Taka. And he doesn’t remember now. Jesus, please take me now,” Toru repeated and whined as he remembered how desperate he must have looked last night.

“You kissed and he doesn’t remember? Oh man. What are you gonna do now?”

“I don’t know. Stupid feelings! Ryota, can you just make up a story like an emergency back home?? Like a really convincing excuse for the manager to allow me to go back to Japan?” He began panicking. 

Ryota laughed at his current predicament. 

“I can’t do that. Just forget it, Toru. He doesn’t even remember it. What’s the point?”

“It’s unfair. I remember everything he told me. I remember the kiss. I remember it all, but he doesn’t.” 

The guitarist sat on the concrete bench and squeezed the remains of his cigarette in the ashtray. Ryota observed how worn out Toru appeared. He was so fixated with the fact that the four of them were finally complete that he almost forgot to think how difficult it could’ve been for Toru to be alone with the person who hurt him. It must have stung in his chest when he first came here, and the bassist recalled how Toru was basically a shipwreck after Taka left him for reasons he wasn’t even aware or sure of. Now he could see the dark circles turning even more visible under Toru’s eyes and it must only mean that he had not been sleeping well. 

“How are you though?” he asked the sulking guitarist. 

“I’m ok. To tell you the truth, it was ok here. We didn’t really talk about _it_ , and only communicated when we had to. Like when we need food or when we make songs. But we kept our businesses to each other. I was ok, til last night,” Toru explained. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through this. But we’re here now. We’ll keep things calm,” Ryota responded as he tapped the guitarist’s back. 

“Just don’t make it obvious that you knew we dated each other. Tomoya doesn’t know. And Taka doesn’t know I told you,” he informed him. 

“My lips are sealed,” Ryota assured.

Later that afternoon, the rhythm duo slept in to remedy their jet lag whilst Taka and Toru stayed in the vocalist’s bedroom to work on the songs Toru had left the other night. The vocalist kept whining about his pounding headache that the only way he could work on with the songs was if they did it in his bedroom when he’s surrounded by his multiple pillows, huge ass futon, and a thermos of the hangover soup Tomoya made. He was lying down on his bed as he stared at the whirling ceiling above him wondering if he was only hungover or still drunk. 

“Worst hangover ever?” the guitarist spoke while he was tweaking something on his laptop, back turned against the vocalist, as he slowly swirled Taka’s swivel chair side by side. 

“It feels like a part of me has been taken away,” the vocalist replied, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

Toru turned to him. 

“What do you mean?” he asked nervously. The air condition was set just enough, but he could feel himself sweat. 

“I woke up this morning and can’t remember a single thing after I asked Tyler for shots. How did I get home?” Taka wondered. 

“By taxi. I took you home. You don’t really remember?” Toru turned the swivel chair to face the vocalist. 

The vocalist slowly sat up, hugging his huge pillow to his chest. 

“I don’t remember a single shit. I hope I didn’t make a scene though,” Taka whispered in defeat. 

Toru huffed and threw one of the pillows on the singer’s face. 

“Stop whining. We have to finish this so we can bring the songs to Dan tomorrow.” 

“Sorry. I just really feel like something happened after that,” Taka muttered. 

The guitarist picked up his guitar to strum the chords he had assigned along with the words to Taka’s song. Taka just watched him as his black hair almost covered his eyes while his shoulders drooped as he played the song. There were a few blurry images in the singer’s head watching the guitarist practice his song, like whatever happened last night involved Toru somehow. But the more he tried to recall, the more his head hurt and his chest tightened. 

“Toru, why did you pick me up last night?” he asked after zoning out for a while. 

The guitarist stopped strumming and glared at the vocalist. 

“I didn’t. I decided to swing by to bid Rola goodbye, but found you were already wasted so I took you home by taxi,” he explained with a blank expression on his face. 

His heart was slowly sinking the more Taka declared how he didn’t remember the incidents the night before. But he was sober and all of it, he recalled very clearly in his head. The way Taka bawled about him; the way he spoke his name; the way his lips felt against his— he remembered it all. Not a single detail was forgotten. And it crushed his poor, poor heart. 

He placed the guitar back on its stand and sat beside Taka on the bed. Taka looked up to him in confusion. The surroundings began feeling a little gloomy as Toru stared at Taka’s tired eyes. 

“I took you home, gave you water, brought you here,” he started telling him. “Then you fell asleep.” 

Taka sighed. 

“Is that really all? Pfft.” 

“Yep. So can we just focus on the songs now?” 

The next day, the four of the headed to the studio to check on the songs the leader and the singer had created during the past few days. When they arrived at the studio, Jamil was also already there, and Tyler also came to visit the band and watch them doing a session. 

Upon entering the studio, Tyler immediately went to confront Taka. 

“How are you? You were so thrashed the other night. I even saw you bawling at Toru. Poor man really went to find you at Rola’s. I don’t know why though, but later I saw you were crying beside him then he carried you to a taxi,” Tyler told him. 

He felt flabbergasted but at the same time disappointed that Toru lied to him. But even more confused as to why he would lie to him in the first place. 

During the session, Taka was careful not to stare suspiciously at the guitarist. Every time Toru would ask him to hum the melody of a certain line, he’d do so. Whenever he made mistakes because the thought of Toru lying to him would suddenly come across him, he’d just laugh it off. But in truth, he was a frustrated mess and he felt so pathetic. 

When they got home, he tried so many times to confront Toru. But every time he did, Tomoya and Ryota were always around them and he couldn’t risk revealing their past to their bandmates just because of a drunken incident that he absolutely not have any memory of. So he decided to just shrug it off. Because if Toru could hide it from him, he might as well not mention it at all. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s an awkward silence between the two ex-lovers. But Taka isn’t gonna have it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone still reading this crap? Anyway, I finally had time to write a new chapter. Work is super tiring and I have tons of shit to take care of. It’s difficult to get inspiration for this kind of story, even my own past heartbreak stories cannot seem to suffice LOL. But here we go anyway. Read away and let me know if you find any mistakes of whatever form. 
> 
> I may have fucked up the timeline. It’s just confusing, but who cares ha ha ha
> 
> Really now, you can start reading.

Getting through grief involves five stages. All of which Toru had experienced and endured from that time in the dressing room Taka dropped the break-up bomb on him and left him with no answers whatsoever. 

The first is Denial. 

When Taka left him alone in that dressing room, he swore to the universe he felt his whole life crash right in front of his very eyes. It was as though the mirrors had started cracking in half along with the tiled floor, and he couldn’t get ahold of the world that was torn in half by the second. He didn’t know what to do, but even more hurtful was that he didn’t know what he did that caused the love of his life to walk out just like that. He kept thinking it was his problem. Kept thinking he could find a way to fix everything and maybe Taka, with all of his heart and soul, will decide to come back to him and he will accept him once more. He loved him so much that it was impossible to feel anything else but anger and despair both at the same time. There could have been something more from it, right? It couldn’t have been only a hasty decision from Taka. It wasn’t like he woke up that day and decided “ah, today I’m going to leave Toru.” It’s not supposed to be like that. They had dreams, individually; and ones they made together. 

Toru remembered the late night talks in some hotel in the US or Europe (wherever they were touring), they’re beds only half a foot in distance from each other. The way Taka would smile at him in agreement when he said he wanted the band to be successful overseas. He remembered they way his fingers played with Taka’s palm when the vocalist couldn’t sleep from a bad dream. He remembered the way Taka would distract him whenever he panics inside the plane, enduring 13 hours of flight. He recalled his gentleness and he was so sure they were all so true and genuine that there was no way Taka would hurt him that bad. But he did, and Toru had to believe it to forget. 

The first thing he did when it hit him that Taka had left him was to drive off to Taka’s house. The lights were off that night. Maybe he was asleep, Toru thought. Inebriated, he kept pressing the doorbell hoping to wake him up and get him to talk about them. But no matter what he did, Taka never came out. Confusion started to cloud his mind and whatever form of logic jumped out of his system that he decided to just scream Taka’s name. Only a bit too loud so the neighbors couldn’t hear. He didn’t want to start a controversy; he only wanted clarification. At least, it was what he deserved. 

But the night grew darker, and no one came out from the door. 

Days later, when the band and staff met again for work, he saw Taka again for the first time since the break up. He seemed fine, and it was unfair. How could he look and feel fine? How could he go on about his life while Toru nearly wanted to die in so much pain? How could he not regret it? Why did Taka do it to him? 

And so the second stage commenced: Anger. 

It was exactly one in the morning when Toru got out of the studio after recording a guitar demo for their new album. Only few weeks after they broke up and he was sure he was doing fine until rumors of Taka and some figure skater spread across the internet and found its way to Toru’s instagram account where fans unnecessarily tagged the members asking them if it was true. He didn’t know what to say and believe. He felt his head grow hotter and there was a plethora of questions gathering in his pretty little head that he felt dizzy as well. He wanted so much to scream, but all he could do was sit back on the studio’s couch and place his head on the palm of his hands and cry. He cried hard for a good minute til Ryota came back to the studio wondering why he was taking too long fixing his stuff to head home. 

The other members were waiting outside since everyone decided to get ramen before heading home. Thank God for Ryota who was surprisingly smart enough to create an excuse as to why their lead guitarist couldn’t join for the night. Ryota said Toru was feeling under the weather all of a sudden, and the bassist could swear that when he looked at Taka, he could see a kind of look that was leaning to being cryptic— like he couldn’t quite decipher if the vocalist was sad, regretful, or just faking it all. Nonetheless, he was Toru’s best friend before anything else, so he just shrugged it, figured it was all Taka’s fault, but didn’t make a fuss out of it at all. 

The rumor eventually died down. But without a single word from Taka other than if he was, in fact, dating someone, the band would know of course. And if he wasn’t at all dating, what’s the point in talking about it? Toru scoffed at that, realizing it was only a percentage of the whole truth. Taka never told anybody that Toru was his boyfriend. Since Toru was all kinds of angry, he lost his sense in believing that Taka only wanted the best for them, and revealing their relationship would only spark major controversies and may even lead to future suspension or worse, disbandment. 

And when he thought of that, his anger only grew even more intense. If Taka was having difficulties with their relationship, why didn’t Taka let him in so they could’ve talked it out and fixed things? Toru began feeling even more useless and helpless that sometimes, he would find himself driving halfway to Taka’s house. Then he’d get mad at himself more than he’d been mad at Taka. 

A month later, Taka was finally set to fly to LA to continue with the songwriting and work with producers. 

When he found out about it, he knew he’d finally be able to take back some kind of peace. Taka would be away, and he’d never see him for a considerable number of days or even weeks. 

So he decided to make the most out of that time to find solutions for his mending heart. Bargaining. 

The first few seconds of looking at Ayaka’s face, Toru could feel his heart flutter a bit. She was introduced by a friend who had a friend in the entertainment television sector. And while Toru was never really fond of the mainstream television, he still took the opportunity of meeting new people no matter where they came from. 

Ayaka was charming, to say the least. Heck, she was smart and her appetite for food was insane. At some point, whenever she stood beside the guitarist, her height was emphasized and Toru was only reminded of a certain vocalist. He couldn’t help but remember Taka— how short he is beside him, how he would latch onto him sometimes when they cross the street, how fond Taka is when it comes to eating and cooking. It broke Toru’s heart as if it was set into a shredder. He would look at Ayaka laughing and he’d see Taka and the way he laughs with his teeth flashed wide. He would look at Ayaka eating and he’d see Taka shove a piece of meat in his mouth like he was deprived of it for a long time. He would look at Ayaka and his chest would start crashing, wondering why it wasn’t Taka with him on this late night date. 

Few minutes later, the paparazzi began swarming around Toru and Ayaka; mostly because of Toru. Apparently, someone told them about a certain rockstar on a date with a reporter in a restaurant in Tokyo. The media people started asking if they were in a relationship and if they’re getting married soon. That kind of bullshit, to which they only smiled at, refusing to give out answers. 

If it were Taka with him, no one would even suspect. But then again, they wouldn’t even have a date night in Japan in the first place. 

He scoffed and told the reporters that they were just friends and that he’s not going to get married soon. 

It was chaotic. He wished he hadn’t done it. Wished it wouldn’t come out. The last thing he wanted was for fans to think that he did it for clout to sell the concert dvd or whatever it was they’re promoting. 

But it did. 

A few days later, his photos with Ayaka obviously having a date night in a restaurant in Tokyo spread throughout the internet. And he knew right there and then that he fucked up. It’s late, he needed to sleep it off, but his phone began ringing. Who would call at this hour? He thought.

The sky was half filled with stars and surrounding was humid, clouded in summer wind. Toru held onto his phone, gripping a little too tight. It’s Taka. It’s the man that broke him. It’s the man that started his downfall; the cause of his misery. He wanted to hurt Taka. Wanted him to suffer the way he had been. 

So he answered the call, spoke Taka’s name with utter neutrality. But his hand gripped tighter until he could feel his nails cut deep. He was going to fall apart again. Was going to drop on his knees, stopping his voice from breaking. And if Taka hadn’t cut the line off, who knew what he could have done? Would he have told him he was still in love? Would he have been able to tell him he missed him every waking hour and that no one could ever replace him? The sound of the dial tone was loud in his ear. 

The worst news he got was that in a few days, he had to follow Taka to LA. Hearing it from the management, he was pretty sure he was going to be a wreck. The fourth stage: Depression. 

He didn’t become depressed, per se. Although he was extremely sad and anxious. Apart from the fact that he hates high places, he would hate to see Taka again. He’d hate for the vocalist to tear him open. It was sickening that at night, he couldn’t sleep without crying til the day of his flight arrived. There was no turning back. If anything, he is a good leader. And being such, there was no way he’s going to let their personal lives destroy the band. 

The moment the plane took off, he started feeling his inside crumble. He was nervous to be on that plane, but even more because he would see Taka again. 

And now he’s stuck on the fourth stage, staring at the vocalist’s back turned against him as Taka strummed his white Gibson. 

“Taka’s gonna melt if you keep staring at him like that with your laser eyes,” Ryota nudged Toru from where they were seated, comfortably, on one of the couches in the living room. 

“I’m still bothered, man. One time, he kept asking me about when he got wasted. Then after our studio session, he’s been radio silent about it,” Toru explained, his guitar seated on his lap. 

It’s literally only been hours since then. 

Taka continued to form out a melody, when he snapped and jolted towards Ryota. 

“Hey!” 

Both of them flinched, thinking Taka had heard their conversation. 

“Hey, Ryota. You think that melody was nice?” the vocalist asked, grinning at Ryota. 

“Uhh, I didn’t really grasp most of it though,” the bassist replied with a questioning look. 

“I’ll play it again for you. But can we jam by the poolside? Kinda stuffy here,” Taka responded, which earned him a raised eyebrow from Toru. 

The vocalist headed out first with his guitar and a glass of water. 

Ryota looked at his friend and tilted his head in disbelief. “Talk to you later?”

“What’s happening?” Tomoya walked in, bringing a tray of snacks. 

“Taka wants to jam with me outside.” 

“How about Toru?” the drummer asked. 

Ryota was about to open his mouth to tell the truth, but Toru cut him off. 

“I’m a bit tired so I decided not to join. I’m going to rest for a while. Call me when it’s dinner time,” he informed everyone and left for his bedroom. 

“Let’s go Tomoya. Taka’s waiting.”

Toru spent his entire time in the guest room, covering himself with the thick blanket. He kept wondering what was wrong with Taka and why he had seemed to be ignoring the guitarist. But no matter how hard he tried comprehending, nothing came to his mind. And it was killing him, his migraine began kicking in. He was never going to get past the fourth stage. Not when his brain was 99% Takahiro and 1% random. He buried his head amidst the pillows til sleep took over him. 

 

“You think Toru’s well? He looked kinda pale.” Tomoya asked, beaming through the far glass window hoping to see Toru from it. 

“He said he wasn’t feeling well earlier. Maybe Taka-chan poisoned him,” Ryota jested and chuckled at the vocalist who stopped from strumming the guitar and stared at the bassist with a look of doubt. The bassist wanted something from Taka— some information, maybe a bit of his feelings, without being too obvious. 

Taka glared some more at his bandmates at the accusation. “Why would I poison him? We literally ate the same food since breakfast.” 

“Oh yeah? Why wouldn’t you poison him then?” Tomoya playfully asked. Just out of plain stupidity. 

The vocalist looked even more confused, mouth slightly parted. 

“Why would I poison him? I would never poison the lo…” he paused, realizing he almost had a Freudian slip. “I said, I would never poison the leader of our band,” he continued and straightened his posture. 

“Good point. Why do you think he doesn’t feel well?” Ryota asked some more, earning a groan from Taka. 

“I just realized this. I haven’t seen you two talk about the songs together lately. Did you do something to Toru?!” Tomoya gasped, slapping his mouth with his palm in disbelief. “Are you guys fighting?” 

“What?! No. No way. Why wou…why would we? That…that’s not, no,” Taka panicked and placed his guitar on his side. 

“You’re stuttering though. You know something, don’t you? Can you just be honest with us?” Ryota said, unintentionally sounding serious. 

Taka felt his forehead sweat being questioned by his bandmate. He didn’t ask for this and he most certainly didn’t want to break down in front of Tomoya and Ryota. 

“We didn’t fight, ok? It’s just that, I think Toru lied to me?” he responded, hand softly shaking in nervousness. 

“About what? Toru would never lie to us,” the drummer said, eyes eagerly looking at the person in question. 

This was the moment Ryota has been waiting for. He focused on Taka, but on the back of his head, he kept seeing his best friend’s face gloomy and miserable, looking for answers. 

“He said he didn’t pick me up from Rola’s that night I got so wasted. You knew that, too, right?” The rhythm duo nodded. “But Tyler told me otherwise. He said Toru really meant to look for me in the party. That he searched for me, and when he found that I was insanely drunk, he took me home.” 

Ryota’s cheeks were flushed, thinking that maybe Taka actually already remembered the kiss that had happened. 

“That’s it?” he confirmed. 

“Yea. That’s it. Why would he lie to me? “ 

“That’s not really a problem, man. So what if he forgot whether or not he picked you up at the party? As long as he got you home safe,” Tomoya responded calmly. 

Taka was already screaming internally because he couldn’t tell the whole truth of what he knows. He couldn’t tell them about him knowing that he cried about Toru, to Toru. He couldn’t tell them that he knew that Toru knew he was still in love with him after breaking his heart. He felt so small and pathetic because Toru lied about it, almost as if he was ashamed for him that it had happened. He couldn’t tell them how much he wanted the Earth to swallow him whole. How shameless and embarrassing he was that Toru literally wanted to scrap the whole incident. 

Now he was a fucking mess who couldn’t even approach the man. 

_But he’s sick,_ he thought. His mind wondered in the four corners of the guest room where the guitarist was probably lying down. 

“You can tell Toru about that when we have dinner later,” Ryota said, smiling. He never knew this was going to be complicated for him. He looked at Tomoya and wished the drummer also knew what he knew so they can help their miserable friends make amends with their past and fix their present. 

At dinner time, the guitarist refused to join the band as his excuse of feeling under the weather became real and he had to stay in bed for the night. 

“I suggest Taka to go to Toru’s room, serve him his food, then talk about their misunderstanding,” Tomoya said, firm in his decision. 

“Shut up. I’m not doing that. Why don’t you go to his room instead?” Taka protested as he picked up his plates and set them in the dishwasher. “I’m not sure if that’s even a good idea.” 

“Why are you so hang up about it? Just fucking go. We have songs to make, but we can’t go on about it if the two of you are fighting like lovers. Geez,” Tomoya argued, both arms crossed over each other. 

Taka glared at him, almost as if his guilt was showing. 

“The fuck you mean? We’re not fighting, and we’re most certainly not lovers.” 

Taka threw the guys a death glare before sitting back again. 

“I’d give him his food and some medicine, but I’m not the one who has something to say to Toru,” Ryota voiced out, looking at Taka’s sulking form. “He probably has his migraine now and forcing himself to sleep. Maybe even overthinking, too. Oh my God, Taka. Can you even endure Toru not talking to you for a long, long, looooong time?” 

“Shut up, ok?” The vocalist stood up and started preparing a meal for the guitarist and some painkillers. “I shouldn’t have told you my problem. Now y’all are just hovering over my head.” 

He stomped his way to Toru’s room, tray of food and meds in both of his hands. He could hear the chuckles of his bandmates from the dining room and he wondered just how strong the punches his gonna give them later on. But more importantly, he was concerned about how his incoming confrontation with Toru would be. 

He held the the tray carefully in one hand and twisted the knob to open the door. When he entered the room, the first thing he noticed was how incredibly hot it was inside and that Toru had in fact never turned the AC on. On the bed, Toru was lying down, face flat on the pillows and covered by the thick white blanket. Taka hurriedly placed the tray on the nightstand and checked on Toru. He looked at the sleeping form of the guitarist and noticed that he was shuddering despite the humidity of the bedroom. 

“Toru-san, you’re hot,” Taka declared as soon as he placed a palm on Toru’s forehead. “I mean, yeah, you’re incredibly hot. What?! Ugh. Jesus fucking Christ, Taka, will you focus for a goddamn second??!”

He straightened himself and stretched his arms to relax. 

“Hey, hey, come on, can you get up?” he said softly, tapping Toru at his arm. The guitarist groaned in annoyance, frowning. 

“I brought your dinner, Toru.” 

No response. 

“Toru-san, please? You need to eat.” 

No response. 

“Toru? I know you can hear me so please just get up and eat, please?” 

The guitarist’s eyes started to flutter. 

“There you go. Can you get up?” the vocalist asked. 

“Taka, I’m tired,” was Toru’s reply. 

“Ok let me help you,” Taka replied, attempting at helping the guitarist get out of bed. But Toru refused and buried his face even more on the pillows.

“You’re being difficult now, Toru.” 

Toru jolted. 

“Stop calling my name, please. Can you just leave me alone? You’ve managed to ignore me since the studio session. Why are you here now?” Toru blurted out, the pillows obviously failed at drowning the sound of his complaint.

Taka felt his stomach turn upside down. 

“Taka, please, stop hurting me.” 

The room began feeling even more humid as Taka stared at Toru beneath the sheets. His hands were trembling as he stopped himself from bursting in tears, the walls of his chest slowly colliding as his breath became incoherent. 

He sat himself on the carpeted floor just beside the bed, back against Toru. The sweat on his forehead was starting to mount; the sound of Toru’s voice reverberating in his head. There was a lump in his throat like he was about to cry but couldn’t seem to let it out; not sure if it was because of Toru being sick or him hurting Toru. Probably both. 

Silence. 

Then Taka started feeling a pair if arms wrap around his shoulders, warm and ragged breathing so close to his right ear. Toru’s hair tickled in his neck and ear, and he was so warm and heavy. Warm and heavy and so carefully embracing Taka.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryota and Tomoya try to burn Taka's kitchen down because, apparently, somebody locked himself in his bedroom after having an emotional confrontation with a certain guitarist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such an emotional roller coaster ride and I hope you all don't hate me yet at this point. 
> 
> I am not an expert of how their songwriting process goes, but this is fictional so we make do of what we can write lol

Hugs don’t always feel the same every time. There’s the kind that’s consoling and carefree; the kind that relaxes the soul and takes away the burdens. There’s the kind that’s just calm and simple, familiar and expected. There’s the kind that screams of happiness and excitement. 

Then there’s the kind that’s unexplainable. That kind of hug that’s so softly and carefully done, but also so dreary. The kind that you’re somehow already used too, but then it still feels so new and surprising. The kind that somehow attempts to keep you from pain, but it’s the exact same thing that hurts as well. 

And that’s how Taka felt within Toru’s embrace. So small, but so overwhelmed. Like he won something but lost something bigger—that kind of feeling. Loss and absence. 

He held onto Toru’s forearms, only gripping them so lightly. It’s been a long time since he felt the guitarist this close to him he could feel the warmth of the guitarist’s breath upon his ear. That time, it didn’t matter to him what negative feelings he had been having. It didn’t matter to him how his heart was gently being shattered into bits. It didn’t matter how his head hurt in confusion because this was the closest Toru had ever been since he left the guitarist. And it’s almost suffocating him to the point that he had to squeeze his eyes to steady his vision and breathe deeply. 

The embrace gradually felt tighter as though Toru never wanted to let him go. Taka could feel Toru’s unsteady breathing just right underneath his right ear and a warm liquid along his neck. Tears. Toru was crying, and Taka, he just sat there. 

“Why does everything fall into place for you, Taka? Why are all these so easy for you?” Toru whispered, sniffing, and not removing his arms around the vocalist. 

It felt like thunder and lightning in Toru’s head. 

“You’re so unfair. So unfair.” Toru’s words were almost in a form of a whisper as he slowly lifted his arms away from Taka’s shoulders. 

He slowly got up from his bed and sat beside Taka on the carpeted floor. His hair was disheveled and eyebags even more prominent. Taka could still see that Toru’s hands were trembling as the guitarist dragged his palm over face, harshly wiping his own tears. The vocalist tried talking, but no voice would come out from his mouth. 

“I…I’m sorry,” was all he could say. 

He immediately stood up remembering the food he placed on the nightstand.

“Wa-wait your food. You’re sick,” Taka said while placing the rice bowl in his hand. “You need…you need to…you need to eat, Toru,” he added, kneeling in front of Toru, scooping rice in a spoon held by his shaking hand. He was fighting his own tears from falling, biting his tongue. 

Toru threw him a gaze. 

“Sorry? I bet you don’t even know what you are sorry for,” the guitarist replied, gently pushing the bowl away from him. “I don’t need this.” 

“Toru please, just eat a little so you can take your medicine and then you can go to sleep again,” Taka pleaded. 

“I said,” Toru started, “I don’t need this. Stop doing this. Stop taking care of me. Stop acting like you care!” The last sentence was spoken so loudly, almost a scream, as the guitarist strongly pushed the bowl off Taka’s hand, spilling its contents on the floor. Taka flinched in shock, bowing his head as a single tear fell from his eye. Even then, he stopped himself from breaking down. 

“I’m not acting. I’m really worried,” he whispered, voice cracking.

“How are you able to do this to me?” Toru said, sniffing. “I hate you so much, Taka. But every time I look at you, my knees start to tremble, and I go weak because look at you. How can I hate you? I want to be so angry at you, and I fucking hate it because I can’t. 

“I look at you and you’re ok. You’re smiling. You’re writing songs. You’re seeing friends. You’re moving on. But what about me? What about me, Taka?”

Taka finally looked back into Toru’s eyes and he couldn’t take what he was seeing.

“Why did you lie to me?” Taka asked, swallowing. 

“The fuck did I lie about?” Toru raised his voice in confusion.

At that point, both of them didn’t care if Tomoya and Ryota could hear them. 

“You lied about not intentionally picking me up from Rola. You lied to me and told me nothing else happened when something else did! You must think I’m pathetic, huh? I’m so low? Crying over you? Bawling my eyes out in front of you. Confessing my feelings to you,” Taka spoke almost uncontrollably. 

“It’s pointless even knowing that Taka. So what? So what if I did that or if you cried to me? You woke up the next day like nothing happened. But me? Did you ever think about my feelings for once?” The guitarist started whimpering and Taka wanted so bad to comfort him, but he knew very well that Toru wouldn’t let him. 

“You ruined me, Taka. When you broke up with me, I felt my whole world crash. And I didn’t know what I did wrong or what I lacked. I wanted you to know that I tried so hard. You don’t know how difficult it was for me.”

Toru’s sobs became uncontainable as soon as all the feelings he had been suppressing came crashing altogether. The more he cried, the more he felt his skull compress like he was actually already going to die that moment. He placed his head between his knees and whimpered. 

When Taka tried to reach out to the man in front of him, he was taken aback by the ringing of his phone. It’s Dan calling him asking for updates on the songs. He looked at how devastated the guitarist was and turned to his phone again to tell Dan that the band was doing well. After the call, Taka slowly picked up the utensils thrown on the floor. Then he heard footsteps outside, followed by Ryota deliberately opening the door to Toru’s room. Taka immediately wiped his eyes, praying no evidence of crying could be seen.

Ryota eyed the spilled food on the floor. “What happened?” he asked calmly, giving all his best not to throw a fit at Taka. 

Ryota had seen this version of Toru before, and he had prayed many times hoping not to witness it again. But there he was, on the floor, convincing his best friend to get up. 

“Ryota, I…he wouldn’t eat,” the vocalist tried to explain. He felt so terrified.

The bassist glared at him, and for a second Taka thought that Ryota would scream at his face, too, and he couldn’t understand it. 

“I’ll take care of him. You can go now Taka. Thanks,” Ryota said and then Taka left with the tray in his hands.

***

The following day, Toru still wasn’t feeling any better when Ryota checked up on him. Even Taka didn’t come out of his room, like he usually does, to cook breakfast for the four of them. His door was also locked form the inside, which Tomoya discovered when he tried to open his door that morning. 

“We’re not gonna finish any songs, are we?” Tomoya spoke, sipping from his cup of tea. 

Ryota was focused on his phone, sending his wife random pictures from the internet, while the two of them are lounging in the living room.

“What makes you say that? Taka and Toru had already written and arranged a few,” he answered, looking over his phone at Tomoya. “It’s only a stupid misunderstanding that they need to resolve now.” The bassist sighed in relief knowing that the drummer hadn’t heard much of Toru and Taka’s fight the night before.

“It’s just that I’ve never seen them fight over something so petty. Do you think Taka did something really bad? Or Toru?” He started pulling his hair, stressing out about the issue at hand. 

Ryota only rolled his eyes at his friend. 

“Ask them, not me. I don’t know anything other than what Taka told us,” he calmly responded. He really should get awarded as best actor for hiding his panic, aware of how much he knows and concerned about how much he had already been lying about. “Both of them are professionals, so don’t be worried about the album tracks.”

The drummer could only sigh and lean back against the couch as they waited for Taka to come out of his room. 

“What happened to Toru anyway?” he asked the bassist. 

“Fever and migraine,” the bassist answered as he put down his phone on the table. “Tomoya, do you want us to make something to eat? I’m starving and our cook locked himself in his bedroom.” 

Tomoya wiggled his eyebrows at Ryota, agreeing to his plan, which may possibly involve burning a kitchen down. But whatever, both of them were already starving and could eat a horse. Taka’s kitchen be damned, but they better be eating before they stare to death and not be able to finish the songs. 

“What should we make?” Ryota asked, checking Taka’s refrigerator for ingredients.

“Just sauté some pork and vegetables. We can’t make anything complicate,” Tomoya replied, working about with the rice cooker.

Ryota proceeded to cutting some carrots and potatoes while the drummer sliced some pork strips. Thank God Taka always fills his fridge up with whatever he can, afraid that they might die of hunger while they work on their new album. While doing the cooking, music was playing from Taka’s bluetooth speakers which was Ryota’s idea to sooth the mood and make them enjoy what they were doing, even when Tomoya had almost cut himself with a knife. The drummer began placing the strips inside the frying pan with hot oil and covered it.

“I wonder if Taka also feels this tired when he cooks,” Tomoya muttered as he sat on one of the chairs at the dining table. Ryota followed him afterwards. 

“Aaaahh!!! Let’s not do this again, Tomo. Cooking is so tiring,” the bassist complained then sat on one of the chairs. 

Only a few minutes had gone by and Tomoya was alarmed by an odd smell, like something was burning. He got startled when he realized that he forgot he was frying something, and abruptly sprinted to the kitchen only to find thick clouds of smoke from the frying pan on the electric stove. Few seconds later, Taka came rushing from his bedroom, fury in his eyes. 

“What the fuck did you do to my kitchen?!” the vocalist screamed, grabbing the near fire extinguisher and sprayed it onto the stove. 

His hair was still unkempt and his eyes, red rimmed. Ryota concluded that it was either the vocalist didn’t have enough sleep, didn’t sleep at all, or cried himself to sleep. He knew he should be hating the vocalist as well for hurting his best friend, but he was unaware of Taka’s side, and that left a pang in his chest. Somehow, he felt pity for the vocalist, too. Taka really didn’t have anyone to share this problem to, unlike Toru. At least, Toru had Ryota. But Taka had no one. 

“Ryota!!” The bassist snapped out of his senses when Tomoya screamed his name. The heavy smoke had died down, but it was now replaced by Tomoya’s shrieking as the vocalist continuously hit him for almost burning the kitchen down. 

The vocalist looked around the kitchen and found the plate full of raw diced potato and carrots. He stopped hitting the drummer with the hand towel. 

“What were you doing? You know you can’t do shit in the kitchen,” Taka said, looking very concerned at his bandmates this time. 

“Sorry, Taka-chan. We were starving so we decided to cook on our own since you locked yourself in your room,” the bassist explained. 

Tomoya began throwing the wasted food in the trash bin and then soaked the pan in water. 

“I really didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s just that we didn’t want to disturb you since you and Toru seem to be having some trouble,” Tomoya said. 

Taka didn’t know what to respond. Instead, he fished out a clean pot from one of the kitchen cabinets, heated it on the electric stove, and decided to cook for his bandmates. 

“I’m sorry I got mad,” he told them and even when he had his back turned against the two, he could feel their smiles from behind. 

The three of them gathered in the dining room; beef stew, sautéed vegetables, and rice on the table. The rhythm duo was all smiles as they started eating the food Taka cooked for them. It was already 30 minutes before twelve noon, but still, the guitarist had not gone out of his room.

While his friends were enjoying the food, Taka couldn’t help but recall all the things that Toru had told him. He recalled how Toru said he wanted to hate him but he can’t, how Toru was suffering because of him, how he ruined the guitarist, and how Toru wanted him to stay away. 

He should stay away, Taka thought. He had long wanted to stay away ever since he found out that Toru was already dating somebody else. He wanted to stay away, but what can he do? They’re bandmates. And the band has been the most important thing to happen to him that he’s not willing to let it go and destroy it. No matter what, it’s the one thing that he’s going to keep. 

If there’s anyone else in the house who should be hating Taka, it was himself. He wished he hadn’t got drunk so much to the point of being wasted and blurting all his feelings to Toru. He wished he wasn’t so dumb enough to forget everything the next morning. And more importantly, he wished he wasn’t so petty to pull a cold shoulder towards the guitarist. Now, he’s sure he had already put the band in jeopardy because of his childish behavior. The very thing he’s been avoiding. 

“I’ll bring this to Toru. I’ll see if he decides to come down so we can proceed with finishing the songs,” Ryota volunteered and brought the tray upstairs to Toru. 

Dan had called Taka during their lunch again asking, yet again, about the secret track that he and Toru were making. Said they’ve been writing the song since January, and that there’s no way the song wasn’t finished yet. 

“It’s almost complete, Dan. Toru’s been sick so we can’t really finish on the touch up. But he isn’t going back to Japan til the song’s done,” Taka explained to Dan. 

“Just let me know if you can bring the demo this week,” the producer said. 

Taka sighed after the call ended. All four of them were busy with the album tracks in the past days that Taka and Toru had completely forgotten about the secret track to the album. He facepalmed himself, stress eating up every bit of his body.

***

Toru stared at the cold stew which settled in a tray on his nightstand. He didn’t have appetite for anything, let alone something Taka had prepared. Ryota sat himself at the foot of Toru’s bed, observing his sick best friend. Toru looked better than he did the other night. Honestly, he already felt well, at least physically. 

When images of the night before start flashing in his mind, he would grimace in disappointment and self-pity. He must have gone crazy for blurting out everything he had said to Taka.

“I think he hates me now more than ever,” Toru said, softly, almost a whisper.

“Who? Taka? No way, man. He’s really worried about you,” the bassist replied, moving towards Toru’s side and patted his shoulder in assurance. 

“It’s just all too much for me.” 

Toru stirred the soup, and he recalled the one he pushed off from Taka. 

“You need to talk to him, Toru-nii. And be honest this time. Straighten things out so we can all be alright.” Ryota told him in a calm manner, like he was an older brother, when in fact, the bassist was the youngest among all of them. 

“Remember when you told me that I should let this pain linger ‘til I don’t want it anymore? It’s a bad idea, Ryota.”

“You only think it’s bad because it hasn’t worked yet. It takes time. Plus, how would you even acknowledge that pain if you still haven’t accepted your fate with Taka?”

“That’s why I have to be away from him. I can’t move on whenever I see him. I need to go back to Japan,” Toru responded.

Ryota didn’t know what to do with his best friend anymore. Instead, he grabbed the stew in his hand and scooped a spoonful. 

“Here, eat this and be well. You know exactly what you have to do to go back to Japan as soon as possible,” the bassist said and pushed the spoon onto Toru’s mouth, to which the guitarist obliged. 

In the night, Taka busied himself with the lyrics of the song he and Toru had written. If Toru wouldn’t recover and get out of his room for days, he might as well finish the song by himself. It’s the least he could do for Toru so that he could fly back to Japan away from Taka even for a short while. 

His guitar sat on his lap; face stained with ink from the pen he’s been using. Sometimes, he would absentmindedly cry to himself while he fixed the song. He kept thinking what if he had not broken up with Toru. Would all these emotional breakdowns they’ve been having, happen at all? For sure, he wouldn’t be a crying mess like tonight, locking himself in his room, trying to get done with the song that the two of them had started writing back when he still was with the love of his life. 

But one thing he knew for sure, he needed to finish the song so he could finally let Toru go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired of Taka and Toru fighting and crying and not solving anything. Will this story even have a happy ending at all? 
> 
> Also, I didn't proofread this chapter (again) because I got so lazy. So, apologies for any mistakes here. 
> 
> I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER! ^_^


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band goes out to eat dinner together at a Korean restaurant. At which point, Taka discovers that he lost something so important to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow me on ig, you would’ve seen in my Instagram story that I already made a chapter digest for Never Let Me Go. Meaning, I’ve planned out what’s going to happen in the next chapters. 
> 
> BUT
> 
> For chapter 12, I wasn’t very faithful with my own digest. Although the integral part of the chapter itself is still there. 
> 
> THIS CHAPTER IS LIKE AN ICEBREAKER. The last two chapters were angsty and heartbreaking, so let’s take a break from that and be lighthearted for now. 
> 
> I don’t own oor and this story is as fictitious as it gets. Enjoy reading! :D

“Taka please. I love your dishes, but I want more meat,” Tomoya hovered over the crouching form of Taka seated on his swivel chair. He’s been bugging the vocalist for minutes but Taka hasn’t given in yet. 

“You’ve been staying too much in your room and I’m worried about your sanity,” he added, shaking the swivel chair violently until Taka finally slammed his pen on the desk and glared at the drummer. 

Tomoya grinned at him, eyes glinting with persuasion as he turned the chair towards him so Taka was fully facing him. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Taka said, almond eyes shooting daggers at the pleading drummer. 

“Toru already said yes.”

The drummer had so much confidence in his voice that Taka had to raise an eyebrow in suspicion. He still hadn’t had a single decent conversation for days with the leader. Every time the other two would ask him, he always had the songwriting to blame. Toru was busy, too, with the guitar arrangement. Considering the situation they were in, they needed to work separately. Though Taka still hadn’t passed the hidden track lyrics to the guitarist out of fear and reluctance. He was still figuring out the best timing for it.

“Toru said yes?” he confirmed. 

“Yeah. If only you haven’t been staying in your room all the time, you would’ve known. He’s dying to get out of this house,” Tomoya responded and Taka internally winced at that. 

Of course Toru couldn’t wait to get out of his house. 

“We’re getting Korean barbecue,” the drummer continued, clueless. “You’re coming, ne?” 

“No.”

“Please, Taka. I need to see the world. I’ve only been seeing song lyrics and doing arrangements. I’m not complaining, but I wanna go out,” Tomoya insisted, dramatically clenching his clothed chest and even had to give Taka the puppy face. 

Taka stared at the drummer some more. Measuring the possible outcomes if all four of them go out for dinner. Him and Toru together, possibly sitting side by side. Him and Toru together, walking side by side. Him and Toru. Together. He sighed so deep it reached the abyss.

He moved back to reality when Tomoya snapped a finger at his face. 

“Ok! Ok! I’m coming with you,” he answered and stood up to push Tomoya out of his room. 

 

The grilling pan was scorching hot at the center of the table as Tomoya gladly cut the meat in strips while Ryota volunteered to serve the guys a shot of some Korean alcoholic drink. Toru was sitting next to Ryota, and Tomoya next to Taka. Great. Taka was so nervous he would have to sit beside the guitarist. But sitting across from the guitarist was a much challenging position. 

From where he was seated, and considering that the distance between the two of them is not longer than a meter, Taka was uneasy as he occasionally scratched his nape or his arm every time Ryota or Tomoya asked if he was alright. It’s a habit all too familiar to Toru. 

“Mori-chan, are you okay?” Ryota asked him, placing some slices of the cooked meat on Toru’s plate. “You’re not hungry?” 

Taka jerked when Tomoya clapped the tong in front of his blank face. 

“What the fuck Tomoya!” He shouted, elbowing the drummer. “I’m fine. I’m hungry though, just give me some of that.” 

“You’ve been zoning out a lot! Imagine if we have left you at home, what would you be doing? Nothing!” Tomoya kept speaking like a nagging mother while continuously cutting some of the cooked meat and placing them on Taka’s plate. 

“Shut up! You’re so full of yourself,” the vocalist replied, after which he devoured the meat and almost collapsed at the lingering taste of pepper in his mouth. “My God, Tomoya. This is delicious!”

“Good thing you came with us, Mori-chan. We live in the same house but I rarely see you,” the bassist added, poking the meat with his chopsticks. 

Taka smiled at that, genuinely. Frankly, he didn’t even know when the last time was that he smiled and meant it. Tomoya and Ryota were right though— coming with them was a good idea. He just needed to focus on the food and less on thinking about Toru ever speaking to him that night. 

 

Shortly after, the band decided to do some walking before lastly going home. They were huddling near a watch shop along the street when a group of girls came up to them. 

“You’re ONE OK ROCK, right?” one of them asked and Toru smiled at them, nodded, and looked inquisitively. 

“Can we take a photo with you? We’re fans,” one girl, pretty eyes with blue dyed hair, approached Toru. “Toru, you’re my favorite.” 

Taka’s neck almost broke when he turned to look at the girl who was talking to Toru. They were already lining up to each get a selfie with the leader, then the drummer, and the bassist. Taka’s glare remained shooting at the leader who had no idea that the vocalist was watching him underneath the thick-framed glasses he’s wearing. For a time there, his chest felt heavy looking at Toru with other girls. It’s oddly reminiscent of those photos from days ago. 

He shook his head when the girls then proceeded to him one by one. One of the girls raised her hand where she was holding her phone, front camera on, and on the screen were her face and Taka’s. His smile was genuine, honestly, even when smears of negative memories and feelings would come to his mind every now and then. 

“Thank you so much,” the girls said in chorus.

When the last girl pressed the button, Taka noticed his reflection on the screen and discovered something odd. He waited til all the girls had crossed the street before he came to Ryota with a panicked expression. 

“Ryota, I lost my earrings!!” He told the bassist, almost crying as he touched both his earlobes. Yes, he was indeed not wearing his earrings anymore. 

He turned to Tomoya and whined. “Tomoya, my earrings!” 

Toru was taken aback at the panicking form of Taka who was now cowering, sitting on the curb by the nearest lamppost. He’s still holding his earlobes, recalling his activity for the day, hoping to remember if he had taken his earrings off. But his memories were water drops on a lake— they ripple then they’re gone. It had only caused his head to ache a bit, forcing himself to mentally list down everything he did during the day. But to no avail.

“Taka-chan, you’re not allowed to sit there,” Ryota came to him, worry evident in his eyes, as he patted Taka on his back. “We’ll buy a new pair. It’s just earrings.” 

Toru frowned. 

“No.” Taka deadpanned as he stood back up.

Only him and Toru knew about the earrings. Only him and Toru knew what it meant— the world and the whole universe.

Only him.

And Toru. 

He felt like crying. The only remaining piece of the love that was— now gone and he’s not even sure where he left it. He wanted so much to scream at himself. It wasn’t like him to take them off. The relevance it holds was incomparable that there was absolutely no way he’d be so careless as to leave the earrings anywhere. He was already slowly losing Toru, and now, also losing the very remembrance he had of him. He could really bawl in the streets now; chest tightening and lungs heavy. 

He was about to spout just how important the earrings were when Toru interrupted him, squeezing his left shoulder. 

“Hey, don’t worry,” Toru told him. 

Toru then fished out his phone from his pocket and scanned through it. Tomoya and Ryota eyed each other in confusion. 

“Here,” Toru started, showing his phone screen to Taka. “You’re already not wearing them when we’re at the Korean restaurant.” 

Taka stared at the group photo harder, squinting his eyes to confirm. 

“Why fuss over the earrings?” Tomoya asked, scratching his head. 

The vocalist sighed deeply before he lunged a slap on Tomoya’s back. Tomoya squealed so loud that it made Ryota laugh and the passers by looked at them wondering what they were doing. The bassist went to his best friend while Taka and Tomoya were bickering over Taka’s loss. 

“It’s oddly the same earrings as yours,” Ryota teased and Toru only huffed at him. 

“Holy shit! Couple earrings?” the bassist teased him again, grin so wide that he feared his mouth would tear into two, as he eyed the earrings Toru was wearing. “You haven’t taken those off, have you?” 

“Shut up. It’s a fashion statement,” Toru elbowed Ryota. 

“Sure it’s a statement,” Ryota snickered before he continued. “A statement of your undying love for Taka.” 

Taka halted from trying to strangle the drummer upon hearing the mention of his name. He removed his arm around Tomoya’s neck and straightened his shirt; the drummer heaving at how hyperactive Taka was seconds ago. 

“We need to find the earrings or Taka would go berserk,” the drummer said in a pleading tone directed towards Toru and Ryota. 

“Taka, it’s just a pair of silver earrings. We can give you a new one. Unless of course…” Ryota wiggled his eyebrow as if giving hints that he knew something. 

“Unless what? It’s just my favorite pair! I’ll look for it myself,” Taka dismissed his friends and continued walking ahead of them, absentmindedly touching his lobes. 

The absence of the earrings made him weary deep inside that he almost forgot Toru actually spoke to him. He was so caught up in the situation that it only occurred to him that Toru actually talked to him despite the fact that they haven’t had a decent, nonwork related conversation for days. He looked back to check on Toru who was looking around and then back at his phone. 

_Damn this heart._

 

The moonlight reflected amidst the blue water of Taka’s swimming pool. It’s late at night and while Toru was being sentimental, strumming his acoustic guitar, his lit cigarette dying away on the ashtray, he could hear Taka’s loud whining as the vocalist was scouring throughout his living room for his missing earrings. The walls had no chance of ever enclosing Taka’s loud voice, and the guitarist understood. He might also be doing the same if he were in Taka’s position.

“Toru, I’m seriously going deaf,” Tomoya complained as he made his way to the slouching guitarist by the poolside, his feet stomping in distress. “He’s getting worked up over a piece of jewelry.” 

“Tell him to shut up then,” the guitarist said. Although what he’s been dying to say was that it pained him, too. 

“Seems like the earrings matter so much though,” the drummer said as he fiddled on his phone. “Here. It looks quite similar to the ones he had. You think he’ll notice if we get these and tell him we found it in the kitchen or something?”

Toru looked over Tomoya’s phone and sighed. 

“It looks nothing like it,” the guitarist deadpanned and smoked the remaining cigarette. 

Soon after, he left Tomoya and went inside the house to find Taka lying face first on the couch having completely given up on searching for his earrings. Ryota accompanied the drummer outside when he deemed it was best to give the two some time alone. The guitarist only rolled his eyes at him. 

There was a sound of sniffling and Toru couldn’t distinguish if Taka was crying or did he catch a cold? 

“Taka, calm down,” Toru said as he sat on the coffee table, attempting to pat Taka on his back, but ultimately decided against it. 

“I lost it, Toru,” the vocalist murmured. 

“Just let it go. For now. Maybe you’ll find it when you’re not looking for it.” 

Silence. 

And then more sniffling from the vocalist. 

Not the view Toru was very fond of, frankly. 

After what seemed like a minute of awkward silence, the guitarist heard some sort of an apology from Taka. But it’s a whisper that’s so soft that he wasn’t so sure if he heard it right. 

 

Ryota was shuffling along the hallway going to his bedroom when he heard sounds from the vocalist’s bedroom. He was confused because he was sure he saw Taka fall asleep on the couch in the living room just before he got upstairs. Without hesitation, he opened the door to check if anybody has illegally trespassed the vocalist’s bedroom, ready to launch a punch on whoever it could be. When he swung the door, he almost fell on the ground when he discovered that it was only Toru rummaging Taka’s work desk and drawers. 

“Jesus, Toru! You almost gave me a heart attack! What are you doing in Taka’s room?” the bassist whispered, afraid that he might wake Taka up if he screamed, although he wanted so much to. 

“Looking for his earrings. He isn’t really good at searching for missing things especially when he uses his mouth more than his eyes,” the guitarist calmly answered not stopping from digging through Taka’s drawers. 

Everything Taka kept in the work drawers were only papers and not a single shadow of the missing earrings. He checked under the bed thinking maybe, for some odd reason, Taka became a little bit of a klutz and accidentally dropped his earrings on the floor. But no sign of the earrings still. 

“It’s our couple earrings, ok? Geez no need to look at me like that,” Toru spoke as he glared at the bassist who was looking at him knowingly. 

“You guys are weird. Shouldn’t you already have thrown it or whatever after you broke up?” Ryota asked, also starting to scour Taka’s drawer by the bedside. 

“Don’t act like you know nothing about our current situation. It’s complicated,” the guitarist said while walking towards Taka’s bathroom. 

He first looked at the floor, then underneath the sink, and finally in the shower room. Still, no earrings were found. He stared for a few seconds at his reflection in the mirror. True enough he hadn’t removed his own earrings. They just hung there, pierced in his earlobes. 

The fact is that he couldn’t— wouldn’t even dare. The silver hoops meant a lot to him in more ways than anyone could ever imagine. They always reminded him that Taka was always with him. But maybe Ryota was right. Maybe he might want to dispose it or whatever. 

He sighed realizing once again just how even the littlest thing was significantly a reminder of Taka. 

Back to the matter at hand, he needed to find Taka’s earrings or the three of them would have to live every day enduring Taka’s awful mood swings. He opened the cabinet table to see if the earrings were there. 

“Ryota! I found it!” he called out to the bassist as he found two tiny, silver hoops lying next to Taka’s medicines. 

They immediately smoothened out Taka’s bedroom and proceeded to the living room where Taka was peacefully sleeping.

“Should we wake him up?” Ryota whispered as he sat on one of the armrest of the couch, back against the sleeping singer. 

Toru placed the pair of earrings on the coffee table. He figured it would be nice if it’s the first thing Taka sees in the morning when he wakes up. He then stood beside the bassist so both their backs were facing Taka. 

“No. Let’s see how he’s going to react when he sees them tomorrow,” Toru said with a playful smile in his face. 

“Gosh Toru. Your gay is showing. You’re so in love with him,” Ryota teased and Toru couldn’t help but scoff.

“Shut up. We’re over now. Don’t let me backtrack on that,” the guitarist said, head bowed down as soon as he’s taken back to reality. 

“Really makes me wonder though why he would ever break up with you,” said Ryota. 

“I know, right? I’m such a great boyfriend.” 

The two of them chuckled in unison, but only very softly so the vocalist wouldn’t wake up. 

“Wait. Ryota knows?” 

Ryota and Toru jerked in surprise upon hearing the voice from behind them. The bassist could feel cold sweat running on his forehead as he slowly looked back only to find Taka sitting up, fully awake. 

“Ryota knows?” Taka asked again, both confusion and disappointment obvious in his eyes. 

Toru signalled Ryota to go to his room and give him and the vocalist privacy. 

He sat on the couch beside the vocalist, heart stomping so loud he was scared he wouldn’t be able to breathe. Taka was all forms of mad and even if he didn’t look at the vocalist, he could feel the intense gaze targeted at him. 

“Ryota knows about us, Toru? You told him about us without me knowing?” 

Taka’s voice was also shaking. 

“I accidentally told him when you broke up with me and I got wasted. I’m sorry,” Toru explained. 

“Do you have a knack for making me feel stupid and clueless?” 

“He didn’t tell anybody, Taka.”

“That’s not the fucking point! Fuck, Toru. At least have some decency to tell me.”

“You would have been mad if I did.”

“And you think I’m not mad now? Finding out that you told someone else about us without my knowledge! And to a bandmate! I kept wondering why Ryota sometimes looked like he’d kill me.” 

Taka dragged his palms on his face, suppressing a scream from coming out. 

“I’m really sorry, Taka. For not telling you. I didn’t intend to make you feel this way,” Toru said apologetically, looking at Taka. 

“You know what? It’s already done. Might as well tell Tomoya, too.” 

“Could’ve been nice if they knew during the time we’re still together,” Toru told himself. 

“Shut your mouth.”

In the next minutes, Toru told Taka how he accidentally told Ryota about him. Sometimes, he was a little cautious as to not let his voice crack. After all, it was about the saddest day of his life. But Taka only sat there casually and Toru was feeling like his world was shattering into smithereens beneath him. How could Taka look like this— like he wasn’t hurting? 

“Anyway,” Toru paused and got the earrings from the coffee table. “You left these in your medicine cabinet.” 

His heart ached at how pretty Taka’s eyes twinkled upon seeing the earrings right in front if his eyes. 

“Toru!! You found it!” Taka’s jolly tone faded. “Why?” 

“Why?” 

Toru thought hard. 

“The boys said they’re turning deaf from your loud whines so I searched for it. Am I forgiven for telling Ryota about us now?” 

Taka nodded as he enthusiastically placed back the earrings on his earlobes. He must’ve removed it to clean it or whatever; it didn’t matter already. 

“I’m really sorry about that, Taka,” Toru spoke again before he got off the couch gesturing that he’s going to sleep. 

Taka got up, too, and they walked upstairs side by side. 

The vocalist looked over his back as he watched the guitarist open his door and enter his room til he was no longer in sight. He stood a little longer by his doorframe, staring at the closed door across from him. There was no saving their relationship, he thought. 

Not even when they’re both aware they still love each other. 

There’s an immense sinking feeling within the walls of Taka’s chest as he lied down on his bed. He’s never felt this envious of Toru before. He envied that he had Ryota to tell about his heartbreaks. He envied that Toru had someone he could be wholeheartedly honest with outside of him. He envied Toru for having the courage to tell someone about them. 

The more he thought of it, the more he felt just how much he didn’t deserve Toru. 

He stared at the blank, white ceiling above him as he let sleep take him finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn’t a letdown of a chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s their day off and the quartet heads off to an adventure of a lifetime. Or so they thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful  
> coz the last time that you looked at me  
> i did all i could; i watched you leave  
> i keep trying to forget how you were  
> Beautiful  
> all the things you gave to stay with me  
> all your smiles when i would disagree  
> i keep trying to forget but you were beautiful
> 
> -You Were Beautiful / Day6 
> 
> Ok long update ahead. I don’t know how this would turn out, but I’ve been waiting to write this chapter (along with another one). I hope you will enjoy this chapter as much as you all did the others. 
> 
> Also, the song above was a heavy influence. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own OOR, the names herein, only the story.

Three men were running around the house, one of them chasing the two with his rolling pin. The drummer was laughing so hard as he ran for his life while the bassist was already cowering in the couch, covering himself with couch pillows to hide from the furious Taka. 

It wasn’t really what Toru wanted to wake up to especially on such a lovely morning. Wait, what? Since when did he start using the word lovely to describe morning? Odd. He felt great though, until he heard the sound of rampage downstairs. 

He found Taka hitting Tomoya, albeit not very hard, with a rolling pin. As per the witness named Ryota, Tomoya almost burned the kitchen down again attempting to bake a goddamn banana bread. Taka’s beloved kitchen almost going down in flames. Terrifying.

“Banana bread sounds nice for a picnic outside a cabin in the woods,” Tomoya explained, now sitting on one of the chairs around the dining table. 

The four of them had finally settled down like responsible adults around the table in complete peace and no clawing at each other. Taka was still glaring at him, threatening him with his laser eyes and fast hands as he pretended to fling the rolling pin at the drummer. 

“What would you be doing in a cabin?” Toru asked, confusion flickering in his still sleepy eyes. 

“The banana bread is the focus, Toru!” the drummer exclaimed. 

The vocalist rolled his eyes at the situation and turned to Toru who was still obviously dazed from sleep. 

“It’s our day off today and Tomoya managed to book us a night at some cabin in the middle of a fucking forest. I’m going though,” Taka revealed and spoke the latter sentence in a tone as though he was suggesting for Toru to say the same. 

“I’m going, too. It’s our day off and I wanna try living in a cabin,” Ryota interrupted and watched the dazed look of their leader. 

Toru just stared dead at his band members. They’re watching him too, anticipating a word. He started thinking of the many things that could happen to the four of them in the middle of an unfamiliar forest. Maybe Ryota would get lost in the middle of the night if he ever tries to smoke outside. Maybe Tomoya would attract bad elements with his loudness. Maybe Taka would complain about bugs and grasses and all that. Maybe Toru himself won’t survive having to be the leader who m’d mediate his members when worst things would happen. 

Also, he really just wanted to stay at home in Taka’s guest room sleeping the day away. Plenty of things had happened days earlier— most of which involves Taka. And another chaos would really turn him crazy in no time. Aside from that, he really already wanted to go back to Japan where he’d very much prefer to take a day off. But Taka hadn’t even discussed the hidden track to him yet, and he pretty much fucked up with Taka because he knew Toru told Ryota about their relationship. So, he didn’t want to bombard the vocalist with asking for the hidden track every second unless he’d wish for Taka to be completely mad at him altogether out of annoyance. Taka’d present the hidden track in time, he thought to himself. 

He was snapped back to reality when Taka lightly punched him on his arm. 

“Are you sleeping with your eyes open?” Taka asked playfully, watching Toru flinch at the punch.

“No,” he paused and leaned back against the seat and crossed his arms. “Also, I’m not coming with you. I don’t want to.”

“Why? You love nature!” Tomoya protested. 

Three pairs of eyes watched him in utter disappointment.

“Come with us, Toru, please. You ought to give yourself a break,” the bassist pleaded. 

Still, Toru didn’t budge and was firm in his decision as he shook his head to say no. 

“You owe me this, Toru,” the vocalist declared in a serious tone that made Toru snap out and look at him. 

He knew exactly what the vocalist meant by it. 

“It’s the least you can do. Unless you’d rather be spending your day off with other people than the three best men in your life,” the vocalist continued to speak without straying his gaze from the guitarist. 

“I don’t owe you anything!” Toru protested. 

Taka had a mischievous smile plastered on his face, provoking a frown to crawl up to Toru’s forehead. 

“He does owe me, right, Ryota?” the vocalist turned to Ryota with a knowing look. 

At first, Ryota was confused not knowing what Taka exactly meant by it until he realized it and said, “Oh.”

A pause. And then a longer, “oooh.”

“He really does, right?” Taka asked again and looked at Toru this time.

“Fine.” Toru surrendered.

Tomoya watched them with a face full of bewilderment. 

“What does Toru owe you?” 

“Let’s just say he said something he shouldn’t have said without my permission,” Taka answered. His eyes focused on Toru looking so defeated. 

The guitarist, in full surrender, sighed a deep sigh as he stood up to go to his room. 

“I’m getting my things,” he said dryly. 

The trio giggled in victory and then Taka with Tomo went back to the kitchen to prepare some food they could bring to the cabin. Ryota checked on the car they rented while he arranged emergency kits on the table in the living room. 

 

The horror that was waiting to happen started when the trio forced Toru to drive the car to the cabin site. Taka took the shotgun while Tomoya and Ryota were in the passenger seat choosing the right road trip playlisy while Toru was getting pissed off at the whole day off situation. 

When the traffic lights turned red, Toru relaxed and leaned back on his seat and absentmindedly looked at the person beside him. He had a faint smile looking at the sleeping form of Taka. The only thing that was holding Taka up and preventing him from falling was the seatbelt. It had been a long time since the last time the two of them drove together to get away. Taka would always stay up to annoy the living shit out of Toru while the guitarist drove, trying his best to focus on the road before him. Other times, other things happen in the car, too. Not that Toru wanted to recall it though. Now, Taka looked like he could do no harm with his eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Toru wondered why the vocalist seemed drained and he concluded that maybe it’s because of the recording and jam sessions they’ve been doing. 

“Isn’t Taka-chan the cutest?” Ryota spoke out of nowhere and it surprised Toru. 

He peeped through the rearview mirror and found out that Tomoya had dozed off as well. 

“Don’t say that. They might only be pretending to sleep,” Toru whispered. 

“There’s nothing wrong with saying he’s cute, though,” the bassist huffed. “Tomo’s asleep. For real.” 

“Taka doesn’t like being called cute,” the guitarist said, eyes focused on the road in front. 

Ryota giggled before he said, “hey, did he really use it against you? You telling me about, you know, _that_?”

“Yes that’s why I’m here. Obviously. Can you shut up now? You’ll wake them up.” 

“But are you two ok now?” 

Toru looked at Ryota’s reflection in the rear view mirror. He bought some more time by checking the navigation to think first before answering the question. Quite honestly, he hadn’t been sure if they were ok. He wasn’t even sure if he was ok.

“Maybe? We haven’t sorted things out from the last time. I just kinda started to talk to him and he did the same,” he explained, fingers tapping on the steering wheel. 

“Fair enough. Though I hope things between you get fixed for real.” 

 

It was a long, exasperating trip going to the cabin site. Apparently, the place is a campsite for tourists who want to experience a bit of the wilderness, but with the privilege of living in a quite luxurious cabin. Note that it was luxurious being a cabin in the middle of the woods. The caretaker told them that the campsite is empty of people and the last group of friends who came already left a few hours ago. 

“We’re only staying overnight so that’s good right? We’ll have the place to ourselves,” Ryota said while he was placing his back pack on wooden table. 

“I like how quiet it is here,” Tomoya spoke and suddenly turned to taka. “Taka better not disturb the silen—oof”

Tomoya winced when Taka hit him his palm on his head. All four of them laughed in chorus and true enough, it echoed all around the house. And if they had been louder, it might have had echoed outside, too.

“I’ll make lunch,” the vocalist suggested, leaving the three amused men by the living room of the cabin. 

The cabin was made out of wood all over. Wooden floor tiles, wooden walls, wooden ceiling, wooden doors. It’s a classic cabin, pleasing and beautiful. Toru even had twinkles in his eyes when he entered through the door, marveling at how nice the cabin looked. It has two bedrooms, and when the three of them checked, they found out each room had two single beds.

“Ryota and I are roommates as always. Also, nobody’s even gonna sleep tonight,” Tomoya uttered as he threw his bag on his bed. 

“Yea sure,” Toru replied sarcastically.

He proceeded to their assigned room and tossed his bag on the floor. The huge window projecting the view of the trees outside looked stunning. Toru surmised that it was a good thing he was forced into coming with the band. 

“Help with making food?” Taka asked as he walked in their shared room and placed his things on his bed. 

“Uhh…sure.”

“Apparently, you’re going to see my cute sleeping face,” the vocalist jested and had a playful smile on his face while he unpacked. 

Toru blushed and immediately stood up in panic. 

“It was Ryota who said that.”

“I didn’t say you said that. Although you’re right about me not liking being called cute.”

“You really should stop pretending to be asleep.” Toru said shyly but trying his best to sound offended. 

“You really should stop talking about me behind my back,” Taka flashed a plastic smile. “Lunch?” 

 

The immense night wrapped around the campsite, laughter echoing from the lit cabin in the middle of the woods. Dinner was finished early and they decided that a campfire outside would be nice, except with lesser fire because it wasn’t really that cold at all. Just enough to kill bugs. 

Speaking of bugs, Taka was dressed in baggy, thin pullover and sweatpants, covering himself up from bugs that flew here and there. 

The cans of beer were cooling in the cooler box, skewers neatly arranged over the little fire, and music resounded on Toru’s phone. It was a wonderful night for some deep talking. Toru had his guitar on his lap while the four of them jammed along their older songs from way back before they broke into the US market. 

After two cans, Toru decided he wanted to take a walk in the woods to check the vast lake the caretaker was talking about. He insisted on being alone and walked by himself, holding a half empty can of beer in one of his hands and his phone on the other. The other three obliged and stayed around the little bonfire to drink some more. 

“Don’t take too long,” Tomoya said. “I heard the woods is full of restless ghosts wooo.”

“Shut up! Don’t get too drunk while I’m not here.”

 

Toru sat on a huge rock by the end of the dock on the lake, smoking his electric cigarette as he marveled at the bright moon hanging in the horizon. The sound of cicadas echoed in the background and some rustling of leaves and twigs. He didn’t mind it and stayed quiet— one with nature. He had his phone in silent mode to avoid potential work related calls or texts. He smiled to himself when he remembered he almost refused to come because if he did get left behind, he’d have nothing to do but eat salty ramen and play his guitar. Maybe even just watch TV alone. He didn’t actually want to be alone. 

“Oof—aack!! Fuck!” 

Toru was taken aback from his dazed state when he heard a loud screaming from behind him. There he was, fallen on his ass, the vocalist that couldn’t even control the volume of his voice. Toru wanted to laugh at the poor singer on the ground, but he was more concerned about Taka being there.

“Why did you follow me?” he asked while helping the vocalist get on his feet. “Have the roles been reversed now?” 

“Shut up. I’m not stalking you,” the vocalist muttered and dusted off his sweatpants.  
“It’s kinda scary here for you to be alone.”

“I like to think about things alone.” 

“Sure you do.”

The two of them stood in silence while Taka continued to straighten his pullover. Toru then kept his e-cigar in his pocket and checked the time in his phone. It was almost the midnight.

“Let’s go back. We need to sleep, it’s getting late now,” Toru said and walked ahead of Taka.

Taka followed him and replied, “actually, Tomoya said it’s useless if we sleep through the night. He wants to drink til daylight.”

“Hmm. Bullcrap. I bet by this time, the two of them have already dozed off.” 

The two of the continued to walk amidst the dim trails of dry twigs and leaves. Taka would visibly flinch every time he heard noises from the woods. 

“Toru, I think something’s in the woods,” Taka said in his shaking voice. 

The guitarist checked the time in his phone and discovered that they’ve been walking for twenty minutes— more than the amount of time they had walked going to the lake.

“I think we’re lost,” the guitarist stopped walking and deadpanned.

“Lost?! Oh my God, Toru! I don’t want to die in the forest! Why did you even walk this way?” Taka started whining.

“We can’t get lost here, Toru. We literally cannot! I’m panicking. I’m going to lose my shit.” Taka continued to whine with occasional heavy breathing. 

Toru turned around to face the crouching form of Taka. He wanted to cackle at him for being to over dramatic, but seeing that the vocalist was legit stressing over the fact that they were lost also began to worry him. 

“Hey, Taka,” he spoke so softly, patting the vocalist on his back. “It’s ok. I’m sure we’re just around the camp site and will eventually get there. I’ll call Tomoya for help.” 

He fished out his phone from his pocket. 

“Fuck.”

“What now?”

“My phone died.” 

“What?! Noooo.”

“How about yours?”

“I left it in the cabin.” 

“Shit.” 

Toru and Taka eventually got tired walking in circles so they decided to just sit on the log conveniently lying on the ground. The vocalist was already shaking in his seat, panicking because of their situation while Toru just sat calmly and waited for the possibility of Tomo or Ryota catching up on the two of them not going back yet. 

“Sorry this happened to us. It would’ve been only me if you hadn’t followed,” Toru said inching a bit closer to the quivering vocalist. 

“No. It’s good that I followed you. You would’ve been lost here alone,” Taka looked at the guitarist, pouting.

The guitarist felt his chest tightening. He figured it was probably a chance given by the universe for them to sort things out. Taka was seated beside him, already sweaty from the baggy clothes he was wearing, and he felt pity at the small man. He huffed. 

“Thank you for being here,” Toru said.

Taka straightened up and mouthed a loud “wooh!” before he turned to Toru, more relaxed now that earlier. 

“I’m going to take this time for us to talk things out now, Toru,” Taka began speaking. “You said before that you have questions that haven’t been answered, right? You can ask them now.” 

They just stared for a couple of seconds. 

“Did you cry?” Toru asked his first question. 

Taka looked puzzled, not being able to understand what Toru meant. 

“I mean, when you broke up with me. Did you cry?” he expounded. 

Taka scoffed. “Of course. I was so afraid that I was alone again. I went straight to my mom’s house and cried the whole time. I think that was the time my mother got worried about me the most because I wasn’t stopping. Why does it matter?”

“Do you mean you weren’t home that night?”

“I wasn’t home.”

“Oh.”

Toru’s heart sank even more. He had thought badly about Taka— how he completely ignored him when he was screaming outside the vocalist’s house. He was wrong. 

“Why did you break up with me?” 

He noticed Taka swallow in his throat. The atmosphere became stuffier around them. Toru wasn’t sure he was already ready to finally hear Taka’s reason for their break up, but he needed to hear it nonetheless. 

“I loved you so much, Toru. I hope you know that,” Taka began speaking, preventing his voice from cracking while Toru was listening to him. 

“I really did love you. Immensely. Like even more than anything else in the world. I started feeling that I might even love you more than I could ever love the band. And it scared me because the band is our life. I was scared I’d ruin it when the time comes I cannot contain my feelings for you.

“It suffocated me. Every time I looked at you, my chest start to ache and it hurt so bad. I know you felt the same, too, of course. But you’re the leader of the band first of all, the band should come first. Then work started flooding in. There’s too much to do. You had so much work to do. But none of them even involved us, as individuals, as lovers. The band was a separate thing. It has to come first. And I can’t take it. So I had to end things before I get hurt even more, Toru. 

“I hope you understand. I hope you would stop thinking it was the easiest thing for me to do because it wasn’t. I woke up the next day feeling like I’m the worst person in the world for breaking your heart and acting like we had nothing. It’s the hardest thing, Toru.

“Even until today. I don’t want to admit it because I’m not a loser. But I regret losing you. I want you so bad, but we just can’t happen. It’s not good for every one. I can’t cause everyone’s demise ever again, Toru.”

Taka blurted out unstoppably and the tears in his eyes fall incessantly. He sniffled upon the sleeve of his pullover, hiding his bawling face from Toru. 

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“No, Taka,” Toru immediately answered, taking Taka’s face in his hands. “I understand. I…I’m sorry for hurting you, for not knowing how things were bad for you.” 

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Toru. But I still did because our dreams are far bigger than us,” Taka added. 

Toru took his hands off Taka’s face as he swallowed a huge lump in his throat. He took his time taking in what Taka admitted until he was sure enough that he’s ready to accept it. 

“I respect that, Taka. Please don’t ever think that you’re a bad person. From now on, I want you to be completely honest with me with whatever you’re feeling. I’m always here for you,” Toru spoke feeling a few tears welling up his eyes. “I loved you, too. So much. And I still do, that’s why it hurts every now and then. But I can still love you, as a friend and a band leader. Please don’t shut me off.” 

He took Taka’s hand in his, clasping them so tight as he kissed Taka’s knuckles. 

“Gosh this is so embarrassing,” Taka chuckled. “You’re my best friend, Toru. I’ll never shut you off.” 

Toru smiled at Taka this time, feeling relieved and contented that somehow they have talked things through at last. The guitarist gently placed Taka’s hands on the singer’s lap as he fumbled at his ears. 

“I’ll give these back,” Toru reached out a fist at the direction of Taka’s hands. 

The guitarist placed his fist on the singer’s palms, and when he pulled away, Taka saw Toru’s pair of silver hoop earrings lying there. 

“I don’t want to be reminded of how painful it was every time I look in the mirror, Taka,” Toru muttered, voice finally breaking as he felt his own tears falling. 

That’s when Taka had completely lost it. He thought he would not fall apart; he had long been ready for this confrontation. But finally settling down with a verdict that their relationship was really over and done seemed all too real now more than ever. He covered his face with his clasped hands as bawled as though the pain will never end. 

“When you’re ready, and you still love me by then, I will be there.”

The vocalist broke down even louder and Toru could only do so much as to rub the vocalist’s back for comfort. 

Finally, he let himself go. 

“I’m ok, Toru,” Taka sniffed, breathing in slowly, and wiping his face with the edge of his pullover. 

“I know we will both be.” 

The two of them became silent after crying their hearts out. Taka was almost falling asleep, his head lying on his knees, when he heard the strange rustling of dried leaves and twigs again. He looked to his side and noticed that Toru was trying to build themselves a bonfire. 

“Toru, I think something’s in the woods,” the singer whispered nervously, inching a bit closer to Toru. 

“You’re not going to scare me with that, Taka.”

“No, really. I don’t want to die here, Toruuuu!!” Taka whined softly, pulling Toru’s arm. 

“You’re not going to die, idiot. We just made up. I won’t let you die,” Toru answered, playing along the notion of Taka thinking about dying. 

Taka observed the silence more deeply. The rustling sound became even louder and louder until something from the grasses jumped out on the side of Taka. After which, Taka turned hysterical, so shocked and frightened that he stood up from where he was seated and ran around in circles. 

“Taka, calm down,” Toru said, laughing, and threw a twig at the panicking vocalist. 

The vocalist finally calmed down and turned to Toru. He was dumbfounded at the sight right before him. 

“It must be lost, too,” Toru mused. 

“It could be a monster, Toru,” the singer said in a high pitch. “Put it down!” 

“It’s only a cat, Taka,” he glared at Taka and added, “God, no wonder you never wanted to get a cat with me. You’re scared of them.” 

“I’m not scared of them. It suddenly jumped on me!” The vocalist protested. 

They both sat back on the log with Toru cooing at the cat on his lap. Apparently, the cat has chosen him over Taka, and now the vocalist is side-eyeing the cat for being much closer to Toru than he was. 

“Hey, I have a question,” Taka interrupted the moment between Toru and the cat. 

“Shoot.”

“What really happened when I got drunk last time?”

“Ah, that? I got worried so I picked you up over at Rola’s. You were already so wasted and you didn’t even know you were confessing to me of all people. Then I brought you home, took care of you, took you to your bedroom, and…” 

Toru paused to check the vocalist’s facial reaction. 

“And then what?” 

“I kissed you,” Toru admitted, smiled at Taka with a close-mouthed smile, and then went back to cooing at the cat. 

Truth be told, he got so nervous the moment he confessed to Taka that he’s trying to hide it by playing with the fur baby. 

“You took advantage of my innocence!!”

“It was with consent! Plus, you forgot about it the next day,” the guitarist responded. “Were you upset about me dating a girl?” 

“Where did that question come from?” Taka raised an eyebrow.

“You got wasted because you saw my photos.” 

“Oh, yeah. Well, obviously, duh,” Taka rolled his eyes. 

 

The Sun was slowly rising, sending hues of white and light blue in the sky, when Taka finally opened his eyes. He didn’t even know how the two of them had fallen asleep. And oh, Toru still had the cat sleeping by his feet. 

_Cute. ___

__He hated it; how fast his heart would beat when Toru was this near and vulnerable beside him._ _

__“Toru, it’s morning already. We can find the way back more easily now.”_ _

__The vocalist shook the sleeping form Toru._ _

__When Toru had woken up and straightened himself, the two of them began walking to the cabin again. It was dawn and the trail became visible. Toru carried the cat in his arms as Taka followed him._ _

__“Taka! Toru!”_ _

__The bassist and the drummer quickly rushed to their band mates once they appeared from the woods._ _

__True enough, nobody did actually sleep that night. Ryota and Tomoya had debated non stop the night before about who’s going to look after the two and stay in the cabin to wait. Apparently, none of them wanted to do things alone, so they both decided to stay and wait til morning._ _

__“Band meeting,” Toru declared as he went straight to the living room with the cat in his arms._ _

__The night before, it was settled that the two of them would come clean to the band._ _

__“First of all, Taka and I would like to apologize for worrying you last night. But most importantly because we’ve been keeping something important from you for a long time,” Toru started to talk._ _

__They huddled in the living room. Taka had prepared coffee for the four of them. He sat beside Toru, hands slightly quivering. For some reasons, Ryota was quite aware what the two would admit._ _

__“Actually, Ryota already knows. So our apology is for Tomoya,” Toru added and turned to Tomoya who had a shocked face._ _

__“What is it? Did you two get involved in a crime together??”_ _

__“No! We just dated each other for years and didn’t tell anybody until Toru lost control of his mouth and spilled our secret to Ryota.”_ _

__Tomoya felt his jaw drop._ _

__“Toru dated you?” Tomoya laughed hysterically to highlight his disbelief._ _

__Taka was so offended that he threw a couch pillow at the laughing drummer._ _

__“Ok ok. Sorry. Can I say something?”_ _

__“Shoot.”_ _

__“Honestly, I’m still surprised. Toru dating Taka? Wow,” Tomoya paused to cackle some more. “Anyway, I totally understand why you chose not to tell anybody. And I’m thankful that you’re telling me this now. Although I’m hurt it took some time, but that doesn’t matter. Let’s just consider this the new stage of our friendship where we don’t hide anything from each other.”_ _

__“Thank you, Tomoya. Just also want to add that we have already broken up months ago. So, apologies for how chaotic it was for us weeks earlier. Taka and I promise to be better adults so we can all go back to Japan in peace.”_ _

__The four of them shared some more laughter. Taka felt a huge relief in his chest seeing how alright everything had turned out to be. He looked at Toru and he was laughing so loudly, and Taka couldn’t ask anything more than to feel this at ease while looking at the person he loved so much with that look on his face. It was finally over, and it didn’t hurt as much anymore as it did before._ _

__

__“Thank you so much for your stay and for taking care of my cat,” the caretaker said as he waved goodbye to the four boys who had settled themselves in the car._ _

__The drive back home would be long, grueling hours of driving for Toru. But his heart was light with happiness and acceptance. He looked beside him and saw Taka sleeping peacefully; checked in the rear view mirror and saw Tomoya and Ryota sleeping peacefully as well._ _

__He couldn’t wait to get back to Taka’s house for his turn to sleep peacefully again._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the longest update I have ever written for this work. I am: exhausted. I don’t think it’s as good as I have imagined it to be because I am a lazy writer. But whatever LMAO
> 
> Tell me what you think! xx


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Taka is experiencing crises and Toru attempts to rescue him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this draft on my phone for about two weeks or less, but I didn’t post it because I wasn’t so confident about it. And in the middle of all that, I wrote Maybe, Definitely and uploaded it instead of this. 
> 
> I LIKE COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS YEY!! 
> 
> Disclaimer: THIS IS AS FICTITIOUS AS IT GETS.

A night had passed since their closure, but Taka still kept having puzzling feelings just looming right beside him. Like feeling something itchy on his body but he couldn’t seem to find where. The wounds hadn’t healed from the heart break for sure, but it was on the process of getting over that. It was true when he told himself it didn’t hurt as much as it used to. But he still felt like shit. He’d lie awake in his bed rewinding the confrontation between him and Toru. It didn’t sting as much anymore. But he still did feel like shit. 

Maybe losing Toru in that manner felt as though he had lost an integral part of his being. He didn’t know himself when he’s apart from Toru. He built his life around the guitarist after all. But since Toru and him were finally over, he didn’t know what else was there to do and be. 

He began rolling all over his bed trying to figure out what he was going to do with himself, except the band. The night was so quiet that he was pretty sure him ruffling his blanket and bedsheets could be heard outside. The uneasy feeling was taking him over, and it was torture because the first person he thought of telling about his crisis was Toru. He knew he promised Toru transparency of whatever he was feeling, but it just didn’t feel right to drastically break his walls again. 

He got up from his bed and headed to the kitchen hoping a cup of tea will soothe his swirling head. 

“Can’t sleep?” 

Taka was surprised by a deep voice from behind him. By the looks of it, the guitarist was having just as much trouble sleeping as he was. Toru’s hair was disheveled as if he, too, rolled all over his bed waiting for sleep to take him, which failed miserably.

“You look like shit,” Taka naughtily smiled before he sipped from his cup. 

“The coffee I drank after dinner just started kicking in. How about you?” 

The vocalist swallowed a heavy amount of tea not sure what to tell the guitarist. 

“Uhh…I’m just not tired yet,” he answered eyes unsteady on Toru and then on the floor.

Toru squinted in suspicion of Taka’s answer. He sat on the chair by the kitchen counter watching the vocalist drink his tea.

“You’re such a terrible liar, Taka,” he huffed and watched the vocalist some more. 

The vocalist flinched at the intensity of Toru’s stare. He deeply sighed and sat beside the guitarist like it was the easiest, most comfortable thing to do. 

“It’s really nothing.”

“That’s too bad. You used to be so open to me when I was your boyfriend. Guess I’d be sleepless tonight thinking about what’s on your mind,” the guitarist said. 

Taka could feel his face turn red and hot. 

“Babe…”

Toru whispered and slowly grabbed Taka’s hands and placed the tea cup on the counter. The vocalist was trying his best not to cackle while he looked at Toru doing his usual antics the way he did when they were still together. 

“Oh. So you’re gonna lure me into telling you by acting like my boyfriend?” he snickered. 

“Yea. That version of me had almost full access of your mind, so might as well try,” the guitarist answered and laughed with Taka. 

“Leader Toru has just about the same access, though,” Taka replied, clutching onto Toru’s hands. 

They probably looked silly, but they didn’t care at all since nobody was looking. 

“So, what’s wrong?” Toru asked again, playing with Taka’s hands on his lap trying to relax the vocalist.

It felt natural for Toru and it sent butterflies in his stomach being able to be that close to Taka again, without the drama. 

“Well,” Taka started to relax as he formulated his thoughts in his mind before blurting out. “I was just thinking of what other things I can do aside from the band. You know, my life literally revolved around the band, and you. I was able to do the things I did because of you. Now that I’m pulling apart, I want to know what I’m capable of doing without you.” 

Toru gripped the vocalist’s hands a bit tighter because he knew what this exactly looked like. He looked like the Takahiro he first met when the vocalist didn’t know what purpose he had for living. He looked like the Takahiro who couldn’t figure out the things around him. He looked like the Takahiro who couldn’t see what his worth was. 

“But nothing comes to my mind,” Taka continued. 

“Bullshit,” Toru immediately replied. 

“Really. What else am I good at aside from music? What if people start getting tired of me and think ONE OK ROCK deserves a better vocalist?” 

A wave of sadness crashed right through Toru as he watched Taka in his sensitive, vulnerable state. He felt guilty for ever thinking about leaving Taka altogether over a petty break up that they had ultimately fixed in the end. He realized right there that there was no way he could ever leave Taka behind. That he’s staying no matter what. 

“There’s no one better than you,” he assured Taka. “Look. I didn’t get branded as a stalking, in denial gay man just to get you as our vocalist for you to be thinking negatively about yourself. I’m insulted,” he added. 

The vocalist laughed, reminded of their early years when he used to sing in a live house and Toru would stalk him when he had the chance. It was a bittersweet memory.

“Yea stalker. And you also went straight to my heart,” Taka uttered in a playful tone, placing one of his hands on his chest. “Thank you for comforting me. You really are my best friend.” 

He didn’t know if he was about to tear up, but he held up whatever immense emotion he was feeling in his chest. 

“Thank you for telling me. You’re capable of other great things, Taka. You’re just unaware of it, but you gotta be confident. I didn’t fall for you over nothing,” Toru responded and gave Taka a sweet smile. 

“I know. You fell for my adorable face,” Taka joked and both of them laughed softly, not wanting to wake Tomoya and Ryota up. 

Taka went to his bedroom first and left Toru who decided he needed to smoke outside. The vocalist smiled to himself knowing how alright he and Toru were. That the bitterness had gone and they were back to normal, and could even put aside the pain of their past and act like they hadn’t broken up at all. It felt so easy and light. 

 

The next morning, Taka came barging into Tyler’s house with food in his hands. 

“Is it your day off?” Tyler asked inquisitively as he watched the vocalist walk from his door to the dining area as if he owned the place. 

“No, but I just really needed someone to talk to,” Taka answered, arranging the food he prepared on the table. 

He invited the Issues vocalist to sit with him. Taka was rather fidgety. He did get a good sleep, but only because he had gotten dreams with Toru in it. And they weren’t sad dreams like he used to have. Some neurologist or shit said dreams are repressed thoughts, not that Taka’s been reading about it. But he was bothered by how good the dreams were that he almost didn’t want to wake up from it. He wasn’t even repressing any thoughts of Toru. If anything, the man was still pretty much in his mind for hours. 

“Why? Did the others get tired of your whining?” Tyler jested. 

He twirled his fork on the pasta and ate a mouthful of it without taking his eyes of his friend. Taka just stared at the table as if he couldn’t articulate what he wanted to say. 

“Spill, Taka.” 

The vocalist cleared his throat before speaking. 

“Can I ask something personal?”

“We’ve always been personal with each other. What do you wanna know?” Tyler asked. He was on the edge of his seat as he anticipated for the short man to reply. 

“If you’re happy with Trent? Yea stupid question. I’ve seen your comments in his instagram posts. Why do I even ask the obvious? Jesus. Uhm—”

“Hey. Stop blabbering. Straight to the point please,” Tyler interrupted him, snapping his fingers at his face. 

“Promise me first that you won’t overreact?”

“Yes, I promise. Now, spill.”

Taka slouched and sighed. 

“How did you know it was Trent you want to spend the rest of your life with?” he asked. 

Tyler looked at him with sparkling eyes as if the mention of his fiancée’s name was magic. Taka knew it was always a delight for Tyler to talk about Trent. The vocalist would always see how fast Tyler’s face brightened up when someone mentioned Trent’s name.

“Well,” Tyler began, suppressing a silly smile from forming in his lips. “It’s cliché really, but I just looked at him one day and felt this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to let him go. He isn’t perfect and I’m not, too. But together, we make a pretty good team. He makes me so happy; it’s immeasurable.” 

After Tyler blurted out his feelings, he switched from having heart eyes to squinting in suspicion. 

“Why’d you ask? Are you getting married?” Tyler gasped. 

“God, no!”

Taka chugged a glass of water, feeling even more nervous by the second. When he finally relaxed, he looked back at Tyler with determination. 

“Was it always happy with him?”

“Of course, not. There’s always gonna be problems,” Tyler added. He took a mouthful of pasta first before he looked suspiciously at the man before him. “Why are you being weird?” he continued.

“No judgments and overreactions?” Taka confirmed with voice sounding more determined. His heart began pounding so hard he was certain it was going to jump out of his chest.

“I already said ye—” 

“Ok I’m dating Toru,” was Taka’s straightforward answer. 

Tyler almost spat the pasta he’d been shoving in his mouth in pure shock. 

“Actually scrap that. We dated, but we broke up already,” Taka continued with tone turning sullen. 

No, it didn’t hurt anymore, he convinced himself. It had exceeded the point of hurting him. It’s ok, but it’s also not ok. 

“You what?!” Tyler exclaimed in utter disbelief. 

Taka frowned and crossed his arms upon his chest. He said, “you promised no overreaction!”

“You dropped that bomb and expect me not to get excited?” Tyler replied in a sassy tone with an eyebrow raising at Taka.

“We broke up. Why does that make you excited?” 

Taka glared at Tyler. 

“No. The fact that Toru dated you makes me so excited,” Tyler responded as he set aside the food he was eating to focus on Taka. 

“Ugh. I know, I know. Toru dating me is a huge shocker. Am I that bad?” 

“Toru really put up with your shit. That’s something.”

The atmosphere slowly turned somber as Taka reminisced the glory days of his and Toru’s relationship. 

“He really did, man. I’m the one who broke up with him though,” Taka muttered under his breath, glaring at the tiled floor.

Tyler’s face brightened up when an idea came to his mind. 

“Wait. So you’re the reason Toru was so off and sulky the last time? Damn, the secrets you keep.” 

“Yes,” Taka deadpanned before he continued. “Hey, I really need your advice. You see, we’ve cleared things out already and settled with being friends. I’m ok with it. It doesn’t hurt that bad really. But I feel lost, you get me?” 

The Issues vocalist leaned back on his seat to decipher Taka’s statement. He watched as Taka anticipated for his answer. The two have mostly talked about anything under the sun considering the fact that they have treated each other as best friends. But the conversations did not really involve anything about Taka’s love life because Tyler was convinced he didn’t have one, and that was what the vocalist had been telling him. Yet, looking at Taka now, he felt bad that he hadn’t seen through the vocalist’s pain. Taka must have endured all of it by himself, Tyler thought. 

“Care to expound?” Tyler said, eyes more eager than they were seconds ago. 

“I broke up with Toru because my feelings started to overwhelm me and I got worried I would ruin the band. But now, I’m having a crisis. I don’t know what else is left for me to do aside from what I’ve been doing with Toru and the band. I feel like I’m nothing without him,” Taka explained.

Taka’s hands were entangled underneath the table. He was in a rush to understand everything and he needed the answers fast or else he would lose his mind. Tyler sighed and shook his head at Taka. 

“Toru would be disappointed if he ever hears you say that. He has so much faith in you and so does everyone else,” his friend responded. 

“I told him and he said that same thing. The thing is, I just want to stop associating my name with his in that way. I want to completely forget, fast. But the question is how?” the singer dragged his hand on his face in frustration. 

“Are you leaving the band?” Tyler asked calmly. 

“No. I can’t do that. I won’t do that ever. I’m sure there are other options,” he answered and chugged another glass of water. 

“I’m sorry for dumping this all on you. It’s not even the coming out party I had in mind, but I couldn’t sleep and it was difficult, and there was no one else I could trust with this but you. Obviously.” 

Tyler went over to Taka’s side and gave him a comfortable hug that the short vocalist willingly accepted. 

“It’s fine, Taka. I’ll always be here, I promise.”

“So what do you think I should do? Toru lives in my house,” Taka said as soon as Tyler let him go. 

“You’ve talked things out already. No use making it complicated with him again, so just work professionally til you finish recording and then let’s see afterwards,” Tyler responded. 

The short vocalist decided to stay over for lunch and then took a nap at Tyler’s house. He didn’t even notice the time and had totally forgotten they were scheduled to have a session over at the studio. His preoccupied mind was tired from all the thoughts he’s been having that when he closed his eyes, the nap became a deep sleep. 

It’s already 6 in the evening and Taka still hadn’t woken up. At this point, Tyler didn’t know if he could wake him up or just wait til Taka decides to go home. He was startled by the loud knocking at his front door and rushed to open it and found Toru standing before him.

“Tyler! Is Taka here? He missed our afternoon session. I had to lie to Dan because I didn’t know where he is,” Toru sputtered even before Tyler could invite him in. He still had his guitar strapped to his shoulder and Tyler could tell that he rushed from the studio to his house just to look for his vocalist. It took a lot of Tyler’s strength not to giggle, finding it cute that Toru was actually like this over Taka— always urging to look for him just like he did that one fateful night.

“He’s inside. Sorry, I had no idea he didn’t tell you he was coming over.”

Tyler asked Toru to come in and led him to the living room. 

“What did he come here for?” Toru asked as he sat himself on the couch. 

“He’s having a crisis?” Tyler answered not sure if he was allowed to tell Toru what Taka told him. 

He figured if it was big of a deal, it had to be Taka who was going to tell Toru. So instead, he offered Toru to wait in the living room while he got Taka to wake up. 

Minutes later, Tyler came down with Taka, who was still yawning while walking, obviously still dazed from sleep. Toru immediately stood up to assist Taka and sat him on the couch. Tyler just observed the two before he also sat on other chair. 

“You don’t look so good,” the guitarist said worriedly, feeling Taka’s forehead. “You’re not hot though. What’s wrong?” 

“Not sleeping well. I’m so tired, Toru,” the vocalist replied, leaning his head on Toru’s chest with eyes still closed completely forgetting Tyler was with them. 

Toru felt awkward and shyly smiled at their friend feeling a bit of discomfort. 

“Oh, don’t worry. He told me about you two,” Tyler assured. 

“Was the crisis about me?” Toru asked and hoped the answer was no. 

“No, no. It’s work,” Tyler responded. It was partially true. It did involve work, Tyler thought. 

The guitarist only nodded in agreement and started gently waking Taka up so they can go home. 

In the cab, Taka was already fully awake and was scanning through his phone. Toru was silent beside him in the backseat while in the background, a familiar song was playing in the car radio from a station the driver had chosen. Taka was mumbling the lyrics under his breath with words that went like “ _ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody love you like I do._ ”

“Shit,” Taka suddenly exclaimed. 

“What happened?” Toru talked back and watched confusedly as Taka locked his phone and placed it in his pocket. 

The vocalist didn’t answer him and just looked at the passing view outside the car window. Toru was having a hard time understanding Taka, but he didn’t feel mad. If anything, he was worried. Taka just recently told him how he felt lost, and if he was going to smother Taka with how he felt upset that the vocalist wasn’t talking to him, Taka would definitely feel worse than he already did. Toru couldn’t allow that, so he just calmed himself and waited til the cab pulled over and they got home. 

 

Toru later found Taka cozy in one of the seats near the swimming pool. The moon hung beautifully above them and the sound of passing cars was oddly calming. The guitarist sat on the seat beside the vocalist and comfortable silence wrapped the two whilst the vocalist held a cup of tea in his hands resting upon his abdomen. 

“What’s a cute guy like you doing in a place like this?” Toru broke the silence, snickering after he spoke the words. 

Taka failed miserably at stopping himself from laughing at Toru’s antics. 

“What’s a charming guy like you doing in this place with a cute guy like me?” he jested and turned to Toru. 

“A cute guy like you should only be spending time with a charming guy like me. I’m Toru,” the guitarist extended his hand to Taka and the two of them bursted into soft giggles. “Ok, I can’t keep up with this role play so out with it. What’s up?” 

Taka swallowed a huge lump in his throat. 

“I’m feeling down with all the negative comments about how our music is changing. I’m starting to get scared now that we’re releasing a new one,” he answered. 

The guitarist leaned back on his seat. He’s starting to worry too much about Taka’s mental health— first, questioning his worth and now worrying about the fans’ reaction to their evolving music. Toru didn’t like it. Didn’t like the look on Taka’s face. Like it was always breaking and he was too immersed in his own pain that he failed to even see it before. 

“Is that what you saw in your phone in the cab?” he clarified. 

“Yes.”

“I was worried it’s another photo of me with a girl,” Toru muttered but in a playful way. 

“What? So there’s more? You went out more than twice?” Taka questioned him. 

“Are you jealous?” the guitarist squinted his eyes and smiled wryly.

“I am. But that’s not the point,” Taka said straightforwardly which made Toru’s chest tighten. 

Toru was taken aback and didn’t know what else to say aside from thinking what Taka was drinking and why he was suddenly this bold. 

“We dated once and the next time we met was only so we could formally say goodbye to each other,” he explained. 

“I want dates, too,” Taka uttered and Toru, even though he wasn’t looking at Taka, was sure Taka was pouting. 

And sure enough, Taka had his lower lip jutting out and Toru didn’t know what to do with the crazy pounding of his heart in his chest. 

“It’s like work is slowly drowning me and even though we just had our day off and I literally ditched work today, too, it just wasn’t enough. Aaaggghhh!!!!” He screamed and almost threw the cup in his hands out of frustration. 

Toru abruptly stood up and invited Taka to stand with him. The vocalist wasn’t entirely sure what Toru was up to, but he was too drained to fight against so he opted to stand in front of Toru and just let the guitarist do whatever the fuck he had in mind. They stared for a few good seconds before Toru locked him in his arms and pulled the vocalist to jump in the pool with him. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you!!” Taka screamed the moment his head rose from the water and found Toru hysterically laughing. 

“Come here,” Toru said in between laughter. He walked to the struggling vocalist and hugged him so tightly, lifting him a bit so he didn’t feel like he was about to drown. “I’m sorry.” 

_I love you_ was what he was meant to say, but only a selfish, dumb person would be careless enough to complicate their setup. So he repressed the thought and took a deep breathe in order for his mad heartbeat to calm down. Taka was incessantly letting out a panicked breathing over the guitarist’s shoulder. 

“What did you do that for? I’m going to get sick!” 

“Sorry, sorry. You’re so worked up so I thought maybe the pool will cool your head down.” 

The two were still entangled in each other’s arms not noticing two pair of eyes watching them from the glass walls. 

“What if I catch a cold? You’re such a dumbass,” Taka protested. 

“Have a nice, warm bath upstairs then sleep. I’ll take you on a date tomorrow,” the guitarist said as he pulled Taka to the side by the pool ladder and helped him get up. 

“We have work tomorrow. I already ditched work today. Dan and the team would be so mad at me,” Taka said, shivering in the cold. 

Toru could see the slight flicker in the vocalist’s eyes. He was sure that even though Taka was protesting, he wanted the date to happen. 

“I’m just going to tell them you’re having some problems. They wouldn’t be so inconsiderate as to force you to record when you’re this unstable. Tomo and Ryota will be there anyway; they can arrange stuff,” Toru explained sounding so determined. “Now take a warm bath so you won’t get sick.” 

“I hate your guts,” Taka said smiling before they both headed inside the house. 

 

Toru lied down on his bed after taking a shower. He wanted so bad to bang his head on the wall for inviting Taka on a date. It sounded logical when they were deep in the water, but then he began realizing he was digging his own grave. 

“You’re just being a good leader taking care of his band member,” he told himself. 

He stared at the ceiling above him. This felt like that time after he confessed to Taka and the vocalist reciprocated his feeling. It felt like some high school crush slowly blooming. 

“What are you looking at?!” he aggressively asked, looking at one of Taka’s selfies on his phone. “Jesus Christ, I’m going crazy.” 

He pressed his face on a pillow and screamed as much as the pillow can muffle. 

Tomorrow would be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to combine two chapter digests into one, but it would only mean this chapter would have 10k words and i didn’t want that because then it’s gonna get boring towards the end I THINK? 
> 
> I hope you had fun reading this chapter, and will keep reading til it ends. xx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a long time before I could write an update for this fic because work has been tough and sometimes, I felt sick I couldn’t write :(
> 
> But I’m back with an update. I apologize in advance if this doesn’t match your expectation/s. I’ll do better in the next chapter! 😀

A speck of sunlight dropped on the face of the vocalist in slumber. The warm bath last night had cooled off Taka’s senses, and in his dreams, he was happy and content. Happy and content and running around in a field of grass and dandelions afloat with the only man he was ever going to love. Toru had a wide smile in his face full of admiration while he ran after the small vocalist notwithstanding Taka’s allergies.

For the first time in forever, Taka let go of everything. He didn’t care that the pollens swarming the air would soon turn his voice hoarse and his throat, sore. For the first time, he was sure that even without his voice, Toru would always be there. Free, like him. 

The speck of sunlight lingered on his face for a bit too long that it felt warmer. At first, he thought of indulging, until he felt it burning in his eyes and cheeks.

He was awaken. 

“Sun’s up, but you aren’t,” Ryota said after he drew the curtains apart, revealing the fiery glow of the sun through his window. 

Taka winced at the sudden contact of sun rays in his sleepy eyes. 

“You shouldn’t make Toru wait this long when you know you two are set to have a date,” Ryota spoke, face bored and staring at the dazed figure of the singer on the bed. 

The bassist leaned against the edge of Taka’s desk and crossed his arms. 

“Which begs the question, why are you going on a date anyway? I thought it was clear you two are over now?” he continued speaking, examining Taka’s flustered face. 

Taka scurried out of his bed obviously panicking from being questioned all of a sudden. 

“What date?” he asked, trying to dodge it somehow.

The bassist laughed hysterically and Taka wasn’t sure if it was sarcasm or he really found the whole situation funny. 

“We literally heard you guys last night,” Ryota said and slowly walked towards the vocalist. 

“Mori-chan,” he began saying, eye to eye with Taka, unwavering. “I hope you understand just how much I care for Toru-nii.”

Taka was fully awake then, realizing it may have been a mistake. Maybe it was going to make things complicated. Maybe if he hadn’t allowed his brain cells to swim away in the bleached pool, he wouldn’t have agreed with such a dumb idea. He bit his tongue in guilt. 

“I’m not saying you should cancel today’s plan. Toru was very firm that it was purely business and I understand that you need this break, too. You’ve been writing many songs. Just,” Ryota paused. His hands were slightly trembling in his pockets. “Just don’t cross the line and hurt him, or yourself. You guys are my family and I really don’t like it when you guys fight.” 

Taka could feel his nose start running. Ryota noticed the frightened look on the vocalist’s face so he smiled at him to reassure that there’s no need to overthink. 

“I’m sorry, and thank you,” was all Taka could say. 

“C’mon, don’t be sorry, Mori-chan. We all catch feelings,” Ryota lightly slapped his shoulder to lighten the mood. “Anyway, you only have thirty minutes to prepare before we leave. Tomo and I will go to the studio.”

With that, Taka’s eyes widened. He had completely forgotten to set his alarm for his _date_ with Toru and overslept. He immediately scrambled through his clothes to find something nice and comfortable to wear while the bassist had left him to his own devices.

 

Taka stepped out of his room minutes later and hurried down with unkempt hair, finding three people waiting for him by the end of the stairs.

“Is this how parents feel when they send their daughters to their prom dates?” Tomoya being all emotional, squealed as he covered his face with his palms, pretending to cry in happiness.

The vocalist frowned and rushed to smack Tomoya in the head. 

“You’re not my dad,” he protested. And why he suddenly turned shy around Toru was a mystery. 

“Yes, I’m not. But I’m sending you on a date nonetheless,” Tomoya jested. “Anyway, they’re waiting for us in the studio so we should go now,” he added when he noticed Taka was already glaring at him like he was going to stab him anytime. 

“You’re the reason why I needed this break,” Taka muttered as he hopped onto and wrapped his arm around Tomoya’s neck and dragged him to the door. 

Toru and Ryota followed after, laughing at the playfulness of the two. The guitarist felt Ryota tug at his shirt and he looked back, brows furrowed. 

“Your eyes look like hearts!” the bassist teased which earned him a dab on his stomach. 

“Can you shut up? You’re really triggering some major emotions in me with all the teasing,” Toru hissed.

“Oh, so you’re saying that Taka in an all black outfit makes your heart flutter?” Ryota laughed hysterically at the puzzled face of his friend. “Ok, ok, Toru-nii. Just kidding. I’m just trying to lighten up the mood ‘cause you look so tense.” 

The bassist smiled at Toru so sickly sweet that the guitarist shuddered and walked ahead of the bassist. A cab was already waiting for the rhythm duo, and behind it is another cab for Toru and Taka. Tomoya and Ryota went ahead, leaving their bandmates behind who had, surprisingly gone awkward with each other. 

Both the rhythm duo took the passenger seat, still snickering while watching Toru open the door for Taka like a gentleman. With that, their cab went ahead whilst the other turned to a different direction. 

Tomoya’s face suddenly turned a little serious as he faced the bassist who was looking out the taxi window. 

“Hey, do you think it was alright for them to, you know, have a date?” the drummer asked, skeptic about the whole setup. “I know it’s just a term and that Toru does that for us, too, when we’re worked up like hell. But now that I’m aware, I’m kinda worried about them and the band.” 

Ryota shifted his face from looking out the window, same concerned look plastered on his face. 

“Toru’s just a little too soft for Mori-chan. But he’s an adult who knows his boundaries, and I’m pretty sure Mori-chan’s the same. We’ll see how this goes later?” the bassist replied. 

“I hope they won’t fight again. I’m literally going to scream the next time they do,” Tomoya said letting out an exasperated sigh. 

 

The Sun burned in the sky with almost no visible clouds. Inside the cab, Toru sat in the passenger seat, hands fidgeting at the skin contact between him and the vocalist, who, even though he literally slept well overnight, was already leaning on the guitarist’s shoulder with eyes closed and mouth slightly parted. Toru couldn’t help but watch the small man beside him. He looked so exhausted. So dreary and defenseless in his sleep. 

Toru’s eyes roamed around Taka’s bleached hair and he was reminded of that time in their tour where he insisted that he’s too old for edgy hairdos, but still, Toru thought otherwise. He knew nothing will ever look bad on Taka, even on moments like this when the vocalist was asleep. Toru noticed the way Taka’s eyebrows furrowed in his sleep and his long lashes that were resting upon his cheeks as they were closed; natural and endearing. One time, Toru thought green was Taka’s color, but immediately took it back because maybe it’s teal or red or yellow, or even orange? He wasn’t even sure anymore. Taka’s iridescence just comes out naturally whichever color he takes. 

The guitarist sighed, not entirely certain of his own mind and heart. It didn’t matter that he gave back the earrings; it’s not them that reminded him of the pain. It’s Taka and their proximate distance, and the way he would still look at the vocalist like he’d never let him go. 

But he already did. 

He was pulled out of his trance when the cab driver suddenly stepped on the brakes, waking up the dozing vocalist. 

“Sorry about that, sir. A lady almost crossed the street and I got startled,” the driver explained. “But the place you’re looking for is exactly this one. I’ll leave my phone number to you in case you’ll find it hard to travel back later. I can pick you up,” he added with a hopeful smile. 

Taka straightened himself and started looking around from his seat window. Toru, on the other hand, said his thanks to the driver and took the mobile number written on a piece of paper.

“I hope you guys have fun on the beach today,” the driver greeted enthusiastically, although he looked at Taka with a questioning face. 

The two got off the cab right after— Toru straightening his shirt and Taka squinting at the brightness of the day. 

“Did you see the way he looked at me? You think he knows me? He’s seen the way I sleep and maybe he’s gonna sell that info in the deep web! Oh my god!” Taka blurted, dragging his palms on the side of his face. 

“Everybody on the internet has seen the way you sleep, dumbass,” Toru retorted and snorted at the vocalist. “He’s probably just judging you for wearing your most emo outfit like you’re some punk rock band vocalist from the 2000s, _in the beach with this heat_ ,” he added. 

Toru’s chuckle was loud in Taka’s ear that it irked the vocalist so he threw a hand at the guitarist that only landed on the air. A poor attempt at giving Toru a slap, which he could never do. 

“You never said you’d take me to the beach,” Taka said, crossing his arms upon his chest.

“You would’ve worn just the same have I told you,” Toru responded. 

Taka scoffed. 

“The sand will get in my shoes.”

“You’ve forgotten we’re both not beach-ready in terms of what we’re wearing now. Sand will get in my shoes, too. Now stop complaining and let’s go,” Toru replied. 

“Then why choose the beach?” Taka murmured as they walked to find a place to settle down. 

“Nothing. No reason.”

“Liar.”

“You’re going to laugh at me.”

“I’ll laugh at you regardless.” 

Toru looked at Taka with squinted eyes. He turned his gaze at the surroundings, examining the people around them, until he fixed his eyes on one spot. Taka was flicking the sand on his shoes when Toru suddenly grabbed his hand and dragged him on the space where there’s not much people. With a swift movement, he took out a blanket from his back pack. 

“Let’s sit here,” Toru said. “Like it’s 2015?” he added and chuckled. 

The vocalist’s eyes widened when he realized why Toru brought him to the beach. He was already chuckling when he sat beside the guitarist who was digging through his back pack. 

“Was it 3 years ago already?” he asked, grinning as he recalled a bittersweet memory of him and Toru. 

“I guess? We’ve never gone to the beach anymore since then. Just the two of us. So I figured maybe I’ll take you here,” the guitarist explained, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his cheeks. 

“Is this going to be a trip down memory lane?” Taka jested. 

“Ha-ha! No!” Toru replied. “Are you hungry? Ryota and Tomoya made sandwiches for us.” 

“Working like real-life parents,” Taka said and took a sandwich from Toru. 

He scrunched his nose as he took a bite off the hugely layered sandwich, and Toru couldn’t help but smile, finding the vocalist cute. 

“I’m sorry this isn’t exactly the kind of date you would want,” Toru muttered. 

“It’s the kind of rest day I want,” the vocalist replied, smiling with a closed mouth at the guitarist. “It’s spontaneous and…worry-free? I like it.” 

“Not sure about the worry-free part, but we’ll deal with that later on,” the guitarist snickered. “Here, wear this.” 

Toru handed Taka a pair of sunglasses. 

“It’s the only sun protection I brought with me,” he said. 

“Your stupidity is unparalleled, Toru-san.” 

The two of them laughed at their whole situation— but mostly Toru. He could’ve brought themselves to a theme park. Cliché, but at least they wouldn’t be out there exposed to the burning sun as if they were being barbecued. Or maybe he could’ve taken Taka on a museum date. Although he might only be busy staring at Taka staring at art. 

But he chose the beach because he was a sentimental fuckhead. 

“So nice to be out here without being bombarded by fans,” the vocalist blurted out. 

Toru had draped his black bomber jacket over Taka’s head to shield the vocalist from the heat. 

“Let’s take a photo and send it to the boys,” he suggested and took out his phone from his bag. 

“Great. Take the best photo of the beach. The beautiful the photo, the more jealousy they’d feel,” Taka snickered as he, too, fumbled on his phone to take a picture. 

The guitarist was moving his phone from here and there, finding the best spot where there’s not much people. 

Then he moved it to his left, right where Taka was.

And pressed the shutter.

He smiled at Taka as he lowered his phone. 

“You’re an idiot,” Taka said under his breath, finding it so difficult to suppress a smile from forming on his lips. 

He could feel his heart madly beating within his chest. This was exactly what Ryota meant when he said he needed to be careful. Everything just seemed too easy, but also too difficult. 

Toru made it so easy for Taka to fall for him again and again and again. 

But the rest that followed after was where the difficulties laid.

“Let’s play a game,” Toru said. “We’ll go to the waters and whoever gets his feet wet by the waves first loses and treats the other to an expensive dinner tonight.” 

“It’s hot and that game is shit,” Taka complained, not minding that Toru was already taking off his Converse shoes. 

“Don’t be a loser,” the guitarist laughed at him and went to run first to the shore. 

It looked almost like the one in his dream. But instead of a field and white dandelions afloat, it was the sandy shore and the smell of salty water in the air. He could see Toru laughing from where he was seated, untying his shoelaces. Even with the distance, he could hear the playful tone of Toru’s laughter by the way his eyes lit up, his mouth opened and his teeth showed up. It’s warm inside Taka’s chest and there he was again, wearing his heart on his sleeve. The sensation was gripping his lungs tighter and he almost couldn’t breathe as he was taking in how beautiful Toru looked with that smile and laugh. He had seen that before, but only now did he truly see it. 

Toru was enjoying the freedom amidst the strangers in the crowd. These were people that didn’t have the slightest idea who they were— just two men having the time of their lives. 

The vocalist finally stood up and run after the guitarist. He stood right beside the tall man, just right on the spot where the waves rush to wet the sand on the shore before they escape once again. 

As soon as another wave came crashing towards them, Taka was already on his toes ready to run. But, when it arrived, he held onto Toru’s wrist to stop the man from running ahead until the wave crashed on their feet, drenched. 

Toru looked stunned when he turned to face the vocalist and found Taka smiling at him. Not only with his mouth, but with his eyes. There’s a giddy feeling in his chest; one that he couldn’t allow to foster. 

But they’re faces were already a few inches from each other and the waves had come crashing on their feet many times. 

Just one more second of the way Taka looked at him and Toru would falter. 

Too much. It was all too much. 

“Let’s go?” he said and Taka pulled his hand away. 

“So, we’re splitting the bill for dinner then,” Taka said as he pranced on the way back to their picnic setup. 

They stayed a few more minutes under the sun, relishing the moment before going back to the city. Taka was hunched in his seat, Toru’s jacket still draped over his head. Toru was munching on the sandwiches their bandmates made for them. 

“We should come back here with everyone else,” Taka said out of the blue.

“Definitely. When the album’s done, we’ll come back,” Toru responded. “Do you wanna go now? We’ve been here for almost two hours, I think I can’t handle any more heat.”

Taka snickered but nodded. 

“Maybe we should stick to indoor dates?” he chuckled at Toru. “If there would ever be another one of these. I won’t take advantage of my privilege.” 

“And what privilege are you talking about?” Toru asked suspiciously. 

“Being the cutest vocalist you will ever have,” the short man said and cringed right after. 

“What unmatched confidence you have,” the guitarist uttered. 

 

The rhythm duo was already lounging in Taka’s living room when they came back. 

“It’s only 7pm, why are you home this early?” Taka said, surprised to find his bandmates sitting on his couch.

“We told Dan we had to finish off early because of an emergency. Also, it’s only 7pm, why are you home this early?” Ryota replied inquisitively. 

“We had an early dinner because your sandwiches weren’t enough. What’s the emergency?” Toru responded. 

Toru and Taka sat themselves on the vacant couch.

“Actually there’s no emergency. We just wanna be here before you guys come home so we can ask you about your _date_ ,” the drummer playfully said. 

“Ew no. You’re making a big deal about nothing,” Taka protested and faced Toru. “Maybe you should bring Tomoya or Ryota on a date tomorrow?” 

“What? No. I’m tired. When we go back to Japan, I’ll take them on a date if they’re so pressed about it,” Toru said, leaning back on the couch.

“I’ve never heard as big a lie as you saying you’ll take me on a date in Japan, Toru-nii,” Ryota responded and earned a laugh from Taka and Tomoya. 

 

Toru was playing his guitar when Taka knocked and opened the door to the guitarist’s room. 

“Toru-san? Can I have a minute?” he asked. 

“Sure,” the guitarist immediately replied. 

“Actually, I’ll show you something in my room.” 

The guitarist placed his guitar on his bed, stood up and followed after Taka to his bedroom. 

When they entered, Toru was welcomed by the strong scent of vanilla as he closed the door behind him. A little too strong than it did previously. Taka held his writing notebook in his hand, sighed deeply it reached the abyss, before inviting Toru to sit beside him on the bed. 

“It’s the hidden track. I’ve completed it days or maybe weeks ago. Just couldn’t find the right time to give it to you,” Taka started. 

“I’m sorry it took some time. I knew it was the only song you have waited to be completed so you can go back to Japan. It was so selfish of me to have kept it instead of telling the producers that it was done. But things were pretty bad between us before today, so I couldn’t just let you leave like that.” 

Toru stared intently at Taka. 

“There’s really no need to apologize. I understand, and I wouldn’t have left, too,” Toru spoke, swallowing a lump in his throat. 

“I pretty much combined this with the melody you made, just tweaked a little. Here,” he handed Toru the notebook. 

Taka felt the rising and falling of his heartbeat. It’s like opening up to Toru for the first time, even when he had been too exposed to the guitarist multiple times. Vulnerability wasn’t something he liked, let alone showed to people. But he was, all the same, in front of Toru as the guitarist read the words he wrote. 

He followed Toru’s eyes as they went from line to line. Until the movement was over and he was sure Toru was done. 

Toru pulled the notebook down from his face, revealing his blurry reaction. Was he sad? Disappointed? Frustrated? Mad? Taka couldn’t tell. 

But what he could tell was the slowing of time, the intensity of Toru’s gaze, and the way their faces seemed to get closer and closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was that ok? Let me know! 
> 
> Also, huge thank you to all those who read Windfall. xx
> 
> Lastly, I just want to thank Tomoya and ONE OK ROCK for finally doing instagram story and highlights! 
> 
> I’ll be incredibly busy this week with work and my upcoming trip to Hong Kong. So, updates may not come til third week of July? But who knows? 
> 
> Til then~


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taka and Toru complete a few songs for the album, including the hidden track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timeline isn’t entirely based on real life, ok? I mean, this is clearly set up after ambitions era, but the hidden track is the track from Ambitions. Ehe. It’s all for the feels. 
> 
> Also, the thing about Toru’s illegitimate child joke was from the ambitions era, not jinsei, amarite? 
> 
> JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. 
> 
> Also, sorry for putting in less dialogues :( 
> 
> HAVE FUN!!! xx
> 
> SONGS I LISTENED TO WHILE WRITING:  
> You Were Beautiful - Day6  
> Anywhere But Here - Safetysuit  
> Fly Away With Me - NCT 127

It was spring in March 2013 when Toru first realized he was beginning to feel something different for Taka— something he never felt for anybody else at that time. For the years they’ve been friends, and even at the start of their friendship when he stalked taka and successfully persuaded the latter to be their band vocalist, he was, admittedly, convinced that their friendship was the most integral part of his life yet. It’s not like he didn’t know anything about love. He had have several relationships in high school, of course. He knew how if felt to be attracted to someone; knew how it felt to be happy and be hurt. So when his and Taka’s friendship blossomed as time went by; the fact that they spent most of their nights together, writing songs and making music, talking about their dreams and ambitions, he was certain that it meant nothing close to love being romantic. 

It was all so familiar and comfortable, and what Toru told himself was that it only felt that way because that’s how friendship was supposed to be. But the stinging pain in his chest when Taka’s name was involved in dating rumors was unfamiliar and foreign to him. At first, he dismissed the excruciating pain in his ribcage whenever he’d see Taka with another person. He always told himself it was only because they’re friends and he was scared Taka would find a friend who was a far better confidante than him. It frightened him so much that some nights, he would think and think and think until he couldn’t think anymore. 

The pain of being so oblivious with his own feelings only caused Toru more sleepless nights. The more he tried to decipher his own emotions, the more scared he became. It began opening like a book with chapters he had not read yet but knew about. There was no use denying the inevitable. 

The pages began to unfold by themselves when he listened to Taka’s demo for All Mine in the singer’s living room. That’s when he realized that he might be, and irrevocably so, in love with his best friend. 

Frightening. It was frightening for Toru. And it’s not because Taka was a man; he didn’t have anything against that. He was frightened because the feeling felt too strong, and he was nervous and anxious he was going to confess to the singer and break the band up. 

So he kept his feelings for years and years, and believe him, he had endured so much to mask his own emotions. He couldn’t even count the many times he bit his tongue to stop jealousy from taking over him. It’s such a surprising discovery for him to know he was a huge ass jealous person when it came to Taka. Sometimes, he’d find himself going far and beyond for Taka— like staying until 6 in the morning to make sure that Taka was already asleep after suffering from sleep paralysis. Other times, Taka would call him in the middle of the night because he couldn’t sleep and needed someone with whom he could go and walk. And it would only take one phone call from Taka for Toru to be sprinting all the way to his house. Apparently, reasoning that it was only because they were very close and were basically _family_ wasn’t valid anymore for him to be putting so much attention and care towards Taka. He needed to restrain himself; lest he would expose his secret. 

Until one drunken night in February 2015, just a few days after the release of 35XXXV, Toru was so happy about their first American release that he wasn’t able to stop himself from clinging onto Taka. 

They just got home from a party in some bar and Toru had a little too much to drink. Taka had to be the one to control his alcohol intake so he could drag Toru’s drunk ass along with Tomoya and Ryota’s back to his house. 

“I can’t believe I have to take care of you, drunk motherfuckers!” Taka complained as he pulled Toru’s arms to make him get up and stand. 

The rhythm duo were already asleep in their bedrooms and Toru was left lying on the couch, eyes hazy from the tequila shots he took. He could still hear the faint sound of Bruno Mars in his head and chuckled a bit when he remembered he had attempted to hug Taka in a bar where many people could see them. He squeezed his eyes in an attempt to sober up a little, hearing Taka whining in front of him and feeling the strong pull around his wrists. When he opened his eyes, he was met by a pair of almond shaped, bright eyes that may as well have a place in the sky full of stars. 

Toru couldn’t help but smile. He tried; he really did. But two years of biting his tongue didn’t work anymore when even the fact that he was drunk and out of his mind, he was already sure he was in love with Taka. 

He sighed deeply, feeling his heart sinking farther into the galaxy of Taka’s eyes. They’ve always been so beautiful, so enticing, and Toru was also so vehemently falling even more in love with them that he was sure there were tears in his eyes. He felt it again— the immensity of how scared he was. It’s nagging and torturous because he wanted to say it; wanted to tell Taka, wanted to let it all out. But how could he when it’s the band that he’s putting at risk?

Before he knew it, he was already sobbing and pulling Taka in his arms, his tears ruining the fabric of Taka’s shirt. It hurt so much not to let Taka know. He knew words aren’t all, and that actions speak louder. But somehow, he believed only the words would make him free. 

“Are you ok?” Taka asked in a panicked tone. “Why the fuck are you crying?”

Toru whimpered, finally letting go of the sob that he had been holding back for quite some time. 

“I might say something stupid,” he said. 

“We can always blame the alcohol,” Taka replied. 

They were still hugging. 

“You know how we’ve always been so close since I met you?”

“Uhh, yes?”

“It’s fine if you want to cut me off after this. But I’d go crazy if I keep this a secret for the rest of my life,” Toru said, softly pulling away from the hug.

“What is it?” Taka asked, obviously annoyed that it was taking Toru too long to spill it. “Oh my God! Is the recurring inside joke about you having an illegitimate child true??” 

Toru only huffed in disappointment.

“I’ve always known you were a dumb fuck. But I didn’t know you would also fuck up the very moment I’m going to finally tell you I’m in love with you,” Toru blurted out, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. “And no, we can’t blame this on the alcohol because I’m sure when I’m sober, I’ll still be in love with you.” 

Taka stayed silent, mouth agape in shock. 

“I love you, Takahiro.” 

Maybe it was a bad idea. Taka’s eyes were already welling up with tears, too. 

“It’s fine if you’re disappointed or disgusted with me. I’ve made amends with that a long time ago. I really just wanted to let you know that I love you and I’ve been in love with you for two years now. I’d blame the alcohol for the unbelievable amount of courage I have now, but not for all these confessions because they’re all true and real— drunk or sober,” Toru spoke. 

He didn’t want to show Taka that the silence from him hit Toru’s heart like a gunshot to his chest. He’s good at hiding his feelings anyway; two years had practically prepared him for the heartbreak of his life. 

“You’ve been in love with me for years and didn’t tell me?” Taka finally responded when Toru straightened himself. 

The singer sat on the coffee table to face the drunk guitarist. It felt as though all the alcohol he had drank that night had been washed away from his body. Strangely, he couldn’t hear his surroundings, and maybe it was only because his heart was thumping so loud that it drowned out all the other noise. 

“It didn’t matter to me. My feelings for you didn’t matter. Only the band did, and it’s the last thing I would want to damage just because I love you,” Toru said. He was smirking at himself, conscious about his being chatty. He literally could hear the part of him that was sober, cursing him to his death for being so honest.

“You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. I really just want—.”

“But what if I’m in love with you, too? Maybe even longer than you’ve been with me? What if I feel the same? What if I’m ok with this? If I want this to work out?” 

Toru had to blink hard to wake himself up. The walls around them were still white, the couches were still grey, the front door was still closed, and Taka was still sat on the coffee table right in front of him. It’s hard to believe, and he even had to scoff at the revelation that Taka was even better at masking his own feelings than he had been. 

“I’m scared,” Toru admitted.

And he wasn’t the type to get scared, let alone admit to anyone that he was. He was headstrong, brave, and spontaneous. But there he was, crumbling down in front of Taka. 

“I-I love you, too, Toru-san,” Taka responded, a little shyly because he wasn’t used to saying that.

That took Toru back to those nights they spent together— that he was so stupid not to see that Taka needed him all those times when he was terrified to carry on. It was always there and he was too clueless to see.

“Can we try and make it work?” 

Toru looked into Taka’s eyes, and they’re constantly so bright and almost unworldly. He decided to take it in— marvel at how beautiful Taka was. And God, his eyes. It would not hurt to get lost in them. 

Just like this day. 

The notebook laid flat on Toru’s trembling hands. Taka was staring at him and he was following the singer’s gaze like it had cast a spell on him. He had never hated himself so much the moment he felt that he was stupid to let Taka go. That he was a coward to let himself go. But most importantly, because he still felt that he shouldn’t have let anyone go at all. 

“It’s an acoustic song so you only need your acoustic guitar. We can record a demo and hand it over to Dan,” Taka started talking, taking Toru away from his reverie. “Then you can go back to Japan.”

“The lyrics, they’re beautiful,” Toru replied and caught himself biting his tongue.

“You know what they say, you don’t have to be in love to write songs. You only have to have been, and I’ve been,” Taka spoke, but the moment he realized that he was talking too much, he chuckled at Toru. “Anyway, today has been a long day.” 

“It was,” Toru replied dismissively. “I’ll go practice this. Good night, Taka.”

*** 

The sky was a black canvas atop Toru’s head, and everywhere there were stars that shone, even those behind the white clouds. Just along the edges of the pool, the water touched the wall in a nice, calming sound of softly gushing water swimming with the air. Toru laid his head back against the chair, his guitar on his lap and the notebook, where the song was written, in his hand. It hung heavy on his hand like some sort of treacherous curse waiting to happen. 

There were sobs trapped in his throat and he knew he was back to square one. Who knew? Maybe he never had even moved on from that at all.

He read the lyrics again, feeling the lump in his throat getting much harder and harder to ignore. For several albums, the hidden tracks were always in a form of humor— just something funny and unlike the other songs. And maybe it reflected from their actual relationship as a band. 

It’s nothing simple, nothing emotional, nothing as raw as Taka telling the world that he just wants to love, just wants to love beautifully, but couldn’t love enough. 

Probably, if they were in some parallel universe somewhere, everything could have been in reverse. Maybe, instead of him sitting like a loser on his chair, he could have been running upstairs and tell the world, his world, that there’s always a second chance for making things work somehow. That in that parallel universe, the only single, absolute truth he would ever be willing to believe for the rest of his life was the strength of Taka’s gravity pulling him in again and again. 

But the world wasn’t made of magic, and the idea of a parallel universe remained only as an idea, nothing else. 

Toru proceeded to practicing the chords Taka had written on the notebook. There was no time to hurt— he needed to get done the song so he could go back to Japan before he would start fucking things up again.

***

Dan and the team had finally completed some songs for the album including the hidden track. And as per promised, Toru was set to go back to Japan for a while in the midst of recording. 

The rhythm duo hadn’t heard the hidden track. They figured a surprise wouldn’t be bad and Taka had told them it’s in a whole different genre. So they decided to wait til Taka was ready to let them hear it. 

“I bet it has something to do with your tragic love story,” Ryota whispered a laugh at Toru. 

They were in restaurant somewhere that served alcohol by 6 in the afternoon. It was already 9 in the evening and dinner was done, but Taka insisted on drinking to celebrate another accomplishment of the day. 

“It has something to do with me killing you,” Toru deadpanned before taking a shot of vodka. The liquid stung in his throat and he winced.

“God, you’re so violent!” Ryota complained. 

“It’s coz you wouldn’t let it go! Let it go, man,” the guitarist spoke, eyes looking down at his feet under the table. 

Tomoya and Taka were also having their own little world, probably laughing at nonsensical topics. Toru could see and hear Taka laughing and he couldn’t help but feel bad because he was back at doubting the way the singer looked so happy. It’s not right. No. He knew he shouldn’t go back to that shithole again because they had talked things through. He shouldn’t allow a single song to whirl up his emotions. 

“I’m sorry I’m just really not over the whole relationship. But! But…I’m just glad you’re both doing well and now you can go back to Japan and get some rest, Toru-nii,” Ryota defended himself. “I kinda miss seeing you smile, so take a rest.” 

“Thanks. But also, gross.” 

On the other end of the table. Tomoya was still devouring his meat every now and then, after taking shots. Taka was up in his ass about finishing some songs and concluded that it was only right to treat the band like he used to, especially because Toru would leave for Japan in a few days. 

“In a few days huh,” Tomo repeated. “When exactly is that?”

It’s a blessing that the music in the restaurant was a bit loud so the pairs didn’t get to hear each other’s conversation. 

“Honestly, I have no idea. But like, he can book his ticket anytime he wants,” Taka responded, taking a swig of the alcohol. 

“We’d be gone, too, once I’ve done the recording for the drums,” the drummer said. 

“I know. Don’t remind me about my impending loneliness,” the vocalist laughed and both of them took shots, making a face at the taste of hard liquor in their mouths. 

The four went on with their drinks and chats, ignoring the fact that it was already very late. Taka, who recently just had an awful experience with drinking too much, managed to downsize his liquor intake to half of the usual. So, then he was only half as drunk as his bandmates and, technically, was in charge of bringing three drunk adults home, safely.

After minutes inside the cab home, the four finally arrived at Taka’s house, body parts still intact. The sky was jet black with stars and Taka knew he was sobering up already to have been able to notice that detail. 

First, he left Toru on the couch so the guitarist could lament on how drunk he was, and helped the rhythm duo get upstairs to their bedrooms, as best as he could. After which, he immediately went back to check on Toru. 

When he came back, Toru had already pulled his shirt off and was leaning back on the couch, exposing his naked upper body. 

“How nice,” Taka murmured, almost in a mocking tone. 

He reached for the guitarist’s hands to pull him to stand up, but instead, Toru pulled him down and made him accidentally sit on his lap. In utter shock, he almost let out a sharp yell but got stopped when Toru covered his mouth. 

“Taka,” the guitarist began talking in a deep voice. “Let me sleep in your room.” 

Taka nearly laughed at how drunk Toru was. He tried to escape but Toru’s arm around his waist was undeniably and questionably strong despite being inebriated. There’s a fiery warmth in his cheeks because the moment was so damn familiar to him. 

“Then I’ll sleep in your room, nee, Toru-san?” he asked, intertwining his fingers on Toru’s hand that once covered his mouth. 

“No. Sleep with me,” Toru deadpanned.

“What?! Are you out of your mi—.”

“Beside me. I meant, sleep beside me.” 

The singer finally got off Toru’s lap and sat beside the guitarist, enabling him to see a view of Toru’s smug face. Only it wasn’t his usual sly face, but a rather sullen one. He gripped Toru’s hands tighter, allowing a little empathy and affection to escape from the short wall he was beginning to build around himself. For that time, he permitted himself to stare at Toru a bit more, and it ached. Still, it ached. All the impossibilities that surround him and Toru together. 

He began thinking that one of the days to come, he’d have to say goodbye to Toru again. It’s not like he’s not used to them being apart; it’s part of work after all. But it would be different this time. It felt like a final goodbye. It felt like the next time they’d see each other, both of them would be two entirely different individuals. It felt like he was never going to see Toru again. It felt like Toru would never see him again. 

“Fine. Let’s go,” he affirmed and dragged Toru’s drunk ass to his bedroom. “Also, taking off your shirt was unnecessary.” 

“It is, if I was trying to seduce you,” Toru chuckled. 

“Wow I wish I haven’t heard that.”

“I was only joking,” Toru replied, slightly laughing in between words. 

His breath was heavy and voice too deep and tired. 

The moment they reached Taka’s room, he immediately threw himself on the singer’s bed but not without whining about how the ac was turned off and that he was feeling hot.

“Normally, I wouldn’t let your nasty ass nag me into letting you sleep on my bed,” Taka complained. 

“I did…I didn’t nag. It was d-done in a polite manner.”

“Go to sleep, Toru.” 

“I can’t unless I feel you beside me.”

Taka held his breath for a fraction of a second, caught off guard by Toru’s blatantness. He swallowed, thinking maybe it would somehow prevent him from crying a little at seeing how vulnerable Toru appeared to be. Or he’s probably just overthinking the whole situation, and he was the one turning soft and sentimental. 

“The amount of alcohol you’re allowing yourself to take full control of you is unbelievable,” Taka protested, sitting on the end of his bed, just near Toru’s feet. 

The guitarist got up when he felt the bed dip down a little. 

“I think…Taka,” he began speaking, to which Taka tilted his head to look at him. “I think it’s all the same even when I’m sober.” 

Taka nervously laughed, remembering a particular night from years ago. And God, he’d be lying if he told himself it didn’t make him the least bit regretful and sad. For a moment there, he was starting to feel, as he watched Toru deeper and deeper, that maybe it would work this time, somehow. 

That he could now allow himself and Toru to love again.

“What do you mean?” the singer asked hesitantly. 

Toru was slowly inching a bit closer to him, and he allowed it. The next thing Taka felt were the warm hands cupping his face so gently like Toru was scared he’d break him again. 

“You and me?” Toru answered, voice breaking slightly, not sure if it was because he was drunk or about to tear up. 

The singer didn’t have time to voice his concern because he saw Toru had tears just right by his waterline. It wasn’t exactly how he imagined the night to become, but there was no way he could protest any longer when the guitarist was already barely less than an inch from his trembling lips. 

“I might kiss you again?” Toru spoke and Taka closed his eyes. 

It’s all shades of wrong, Toru thought. There’s so much at risk— fans, friendship, work, family. But there’s a speck of rightness— a tinge of yellow in the stretch of grayness. It’s Taka and the way he looks at him like everything will be alright in time. 

Their kiss was soft and delicate, and Toru lightly brushed Taka’s hair with his hand. At first, it was just their lips, until Toru pushed his tongue softly in Taka’s parted lips. Then they were sharing a torrid kiss, but not too hard and violent. Just adequate to let each other know.

“I love you,” Toru mouthed in between their kiss and Taka wasn’t sure if he heard him right. 

When Toru got tired of just kissing, he gently pulled away, eyes eager as he looked at Taka who was panting as much as he was. He kissed Taka back again, that time stronger and needier. He began caressing Taka’s back as Taka had his arms around Toru’s neck. The guitarist proceeded to pulling Taka’s shirt off him. As soon as Taka got off, the singer dragged himself backwards on his bed with Toru chasing him with soft pecks on his neck and ear. 

Toru’s touch were ever so delicate on Taka’s naked upper body. There’s a metaphorical, melancholic tune in the background that only the two of them could hear. They knew because Toru and Taka’s movements were seemingly patterned into a beat— a slow, mellow melody. Even when Taka bit the side of Toru’s neck when the guitarist accidentally brushed a finger on his nipple, it didn’t seem as dirty or perverse as their previous sex. It’s careful and calculated. 

Taka was already near the edge, legs sprawled with Toru in between him. He saw faint lights of different colors as his eyes were closed, taking Toru in. The sound they were both making were almost in a form of whisper— aware of where they were. Toru made sure they’d arrive together, so he drove faster, intently looking at Taka so passionately. It burned in his chest— the immensity of his affection for Taka. 

“I love you, Taka,” he cried as they came undone and totally fucked. 

It was loud in Taka’s ears. He was right— what he heard was right. Internally debating with himself, he slowly opened his eyes and discovering Toru softening on him. He was the same man he loved.

Maybe second chances were true and right.

 

When the morning came, he woke up with an aching back. But thankfully, he didn’t get hungover from last night. 

Oh. Last night. Last night was great, he recalled. 

He had made up his mind. 

He looked to his right and found the bed side to be empty of Toru. The clock showed that it was only 7 in the morning. It’s unusual for Toru to be up that early, not to mention he was probably hungover. He immediately got dressed and hurried downstairs to check if Toru was there. 

He was ready, finally. 

“Did you know today is Toru’s flight?” Ryota immediately asked as soon as he saw Taka running down the stairs. “He said he’s in the airport.”

The singer, still half asleep, couldn’t seem to understand what he heard. It couldn’t be true. Toru would never ditch him like that. Not when Taka broke his walls for him.

“What?” Taka miraculously found his voice. “What are you saying?” 

“Toru’s flying back to Japan today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that?? Did you have fun?
> 
> I intended for the sex part to only be so short and not explicit because (I believe) it didn’t quite fit the mood. I thought so hard about that, and this was the conclusion. Hope I didn’t disappoint anyone who wanted to read an explicit Toruka content. Huhu
> 
> Let me know anything that I need to improve on in this entire fic. Is this still making sense to any of you? Or just running around in circles? Please please please tell me. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!! I TRULY APPRECIATE!

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t proofread this. I wish that if anybody finishes reading this, you’d help me out? HAHA! Wrote this during my trip in Australia and I really don’t have much time here. So this fic isn’t polished very well. Should I continue this as a multichapter tho? Hmm.
> 
> EDIT: I'M NOT IN AUSTRALIA ANYMORE. I'M JUST ANYWHERE LOL AND OBVIOUSLY I'VE DECIDED TO TURN THIS INTO A MULTICHAPTER FANFIC. IF YOU'VE NOTICED, THE FIRST FEW CHAPTERS WERE SHORT. BUT I'VE GRADUALLY GROWN TO LIKE WRITING CHAPTERS FOR THIS THAT THE NEXT CHAPTERS ULTIMATELY BECAME LONGER.  
> (i'm not screaming, i swear lmao)
> 
> PPS  
> As I've already mentioned, I've prepared a playlist for this fanfiction.  
> [NEVER LET ME GO PLAYLIST](https://playmoss.com/en/starsdontdisappear/playlist/never-let-me-go)  
> Good Night by Jeong Sewoon being the song that mostly inspired me, aside from Letting Go.  
> Please tell me in the comments if you've checked the playlist and let me know what you think about it. Thank you again. xx


End file.
